Yup this is the place....seems like we have all been thru something.....it is very helpful to hear from others.
Good luck!

Okay, well here it goes....

About a year ago my wife looked at the internet history on our computer and found some things I had been looking at (porn). She was very upset and confronted me about it, and I finally admitted that I had done it. Once before (several years ago) she had caught me in an internet chat room chatting about the same. She was able to move past the initial incident and the most recent she is finding too troubling to let it go. Not trying to make light of the situation, but I have never been with another woman while I have been married to her, nor thought of it. The pictures and chatting were a release, not meant as a replacement.

The last incident was about a year ago, well about 3 months ago she came to me and said she had been thinking about it a lot and decided the only way for her to get over this was for a divorce. Hearing her say that absolutely tore me apart, we have been together for almost 14 years and married for almost 12 we also have an 11yr old daughter. I have been telling her every chance I get how much she means to me and that I love her with all of my heart. She and our daughter are my whole world and I would do anything for them. She has told me she knows I didn't mean to hurt her and that she still cares about me, but finding the stuff on the computer was too much and it doesn't go along with the person she thought I was.

Right before Christmas she said they were going to visit her brother out of state, and would be there to right after New Years, then it got changed to a week after. She said she needed "time and space". I was quite sad when they did leave, but she said they would be back soon and I'd see them then. She never gave me the indication that we were staying together, I guess I just have been hoping so. They have been there since before Christmas, I have had very little contact with her, trying to give her the time and space she wanted. The lease on our house is up, and she asked me today if I had renewed it and took her off or just signed up for a month to month with the property manager. This hit me like a ton of bricks, not that it hadn't been discussed before but I guess I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.

Now I told all of that just so I could ask this, how do I apologize for this and help her see that I really am the person she thought I was?I don't think I am addicted to internet pornography, for me it has been something to do while bored (yeah I know find a different thing to do). I have no problem giving it up and being clean. I just don't know how to tell her that, and how to save our marriage.

Any suggestions or advice are welcome even if I've tried it. I am looking for any and all help, I don't want to loose my family over this.

have you two talked about going to marriage counseling? Possibly that would be something that could help.

The thing is, any apology you could make, would just possibly fall to the side. I mean, she probably does believe you are sorry you continue to do it, but you continue to do it. So I don't think anyone could blame her for not believing you will stop. That would have resonated with her if you had stopped the first time, or second or even third time, she caught you. But you didnt.

I know a lot of guys who look at things online just cus they are guys. I can't say I haven't look at a pic when someone said, "oooh check out so-and-so" , or whatnot. Men and women alike will take a look. But thats different then someone who spends time, at home or alone, signing in to porn or sex sites; on a regular basis. And regular that could mean once a week or month or whenever they are alone and have access to a computer.

listen, I don't know if you have a problem or not, cus there are people that do have an obsession with online porn, or chatting, or sex gaming, etc. It's a release, like you said, but a release means there is something you need to have a release from. That "something" may need to be looked at.

Either way, you continuing to do this, is bothering her. She may not understand why you or anyone would need to engage in those things. She may feel its a form of cheating, (which it is regardless if you have touched another woman or man), you are sharing things with another that should be something between only you and your wife.

its clear what she feels is that if that is an activity you like to do, then she is making the decision for what she believes or wants in her life and that is someone who doesn't need to engage in those activities, whether curious or not.

I have talked to her about going to counseling and she doesn't feel like she should have to tell a stranger anything, since she isn't the one who did anything. I am willing to go to counseling myself once I am able to (no vehicle at the moment or funds to do so).

I know she feels hurt and betrayed by my secretive activity on the computer and me lying about it. I know now anytime I am alone with a computer she probably thinks I am doing all kinds of things that just turn her stomach and make her even more upset. I am trying to find other things to keep myself busy, playing video games, watching TV, and cleaning up the house while they are gone. I will say thou, with them gone and me not really having any human face to face contact for about 2 weeks feels kind of weird. I feel like an old hermit or something. We live in a small town, not much within walking distance, she and my daughter have 1 of our 2 vehicles and the other one is being repaired. Don't have friends or family to visit with, so not much to do.

I do know I need help, if she does leave me I know I will go right back to old habits and im sure that wont lead to anything good. Not to mention she and my daughter are the only two people in the world I really care about, and without them everything else seems pointless.

Welcome. I am in Mesa. Just broke up myself and it's not easy. We have kids too. I hope you find support you need here.

Well, coming here is a good first step in getting to where you want to be. While you don't have a vehicle at the moment, coming to a support website is a convenient and affordable way for most. As you can see there are more then just one support group and for more specific issues that we face. You may be able to join another group, if you haven't already, for the other issue you mention. It may be a basic way to start but thats where we all need to start, and talking about it with others is therapeutic. I would still suggest even if she doesn't want to go, that you stick with your plan and go when you have the means. I would also suggest talking to others on support groups like this and more geared to the other issue. It will surely help, especially given where you are living with the lack of human contact right down the road. This is a nice supplement and resource.

I could see her point about her thinking its not a problem of hers, but at the same time, for her to go to that mentality, versus thinking that she , as your wife, could just be there as a supportive participant because she wants the marriage to work does show her anger is ruling her fore thoughts. That could be why she is staying longer as well. The anger will subside, but its gonna take time for her to sort out her feelings.

wdn2015- sorry to hear about your situation, how long has it been since your break up? My wife has only been gone for about 2 weeks now (vacation) and it feels like eternity. I haven't been able to sleep in our bed since they left, it just feels too lonely in there. How are you doing?

*sigh* Not really sure what is going on now..... My wife insisted that we get my daughter her 1st cellphone for Christmas "so she could have contact with me". We got her a basic phone, doesn't do much other than make/receive calls and text. She likes the phone and it seems okay. I am just not sure if that all was just in effort so my wife could have less to do with me or what.

I got a text from my daughter about a week ago saying they would be staying for an extra week, which would have put them back here on the 11th. Just got another text from my daughter saying they would probably stay till my wife's birthday which is on the 18th.

I really don't know whats going on, my wife really wont answer my calls or texts and gets mad if I ask my duaghter to ask/tell her things. She says I am making our daughter uncomfortable by putting her in the middle.

She has the only running vehicle at the moment, luckily work has been slow so im not having to call out but I still need to work bills are piling up and i am running out of food to eat. Having them gone is quite stressful enough, but feeling stranded with no help just makes things seem that much worse.

1st, what you are doing, IMO, is totally normal. People (esp. men) use porn as a tool in doing something perfectly normal. It is totally private, and you have a right to do what you want in your own private space, you are not hurting anyone, you are doing what Humans do.
She *did* do something. She has left you. That is a big big thing. Do you have clergy you can turn to for counseling (if no money for it)? I am sure that there is shame in bringing the topic to a stragner, or anyone, but do know you are soo sooo so so normal. In future, use an "incognito" window in your browser (that's what chrome calls it), safari calls it "privacy" i think (google it) -- which does not allow history to keep track of where you go on the internet. This is just not her business, and she might need to do some reading on its importance in normal human health. I am so sorry this has become something huge and hurtful, it shouldn't be. Good luck, don't blame yourself, you don't owe apologies.


Here is what WebMD says about the M word (hope not censored, if so link *http://www.webmd.com/men/guide/male-masturbation-5-things-you-didnt-know?page=2 * It says

" Masturbating doesn't reflect on your relationship.
Levkoff says the most damaging myth about male masturbation is that it's a sign something is wrong in your relationship.

The fact is that most guys masturbate. They masturbate if they're single, in a bad relationship, or in a great relationship. It's just something they do that has nothing to do with their partners.

Masturbation isn't only about sex, Levkoff says. For many, it's a routine way of relieving stress, clearing your head before work, or going to sleep."

Well she doesn't find it normal or that I should be doing it. I just hate to loose my family over this stupid s**t. They have been gone for 2 weeks, I miss them a lot, and I need to be able to get to work and no vehicle to use. My life sux!

Technically a week we have been separated for 6mos but working on things. He decided no more. I do live in my own place with kids. I am heartbroken. Maybe it's best. I don't know really.

I am sorry to hear about your situation, I don't know that its ever the "best" when kids are involved. My parents were separated from the time i was very young and mainly was raised by my Grandmother on my Fathers side and my other Grandparents on my mothers side. Neither of my useless @$$ parents were really involved. I grew up with my grandparents bad mouthing each other and the other respective parent. So from what I was being told EVERYONE in the family sucked. Just a hard way for a kid to grow up, but happens a lot now days. How old are your kids?

Hope everyone is having a good Sunday.

I am just feeling very depressed and alone today. I am not used to being by myself for this long a period of time, I find it quite depressing. My work called yesterday and wanted me to come in, but with no vehicle it wasn't an option. Checked with a friend to see if I could borrow their extra car but it wasn't available. Money is kind of tight right now so not a lot of options, although I did order a pizza (had a coupon) yesterday, part of the reason I think was just so I'd be able to talk to someone. The pizza just wasn't the same without having my wife and daughter to share it with, I hate eating alone just makes the situation here that much more real.

I have been continuing to clean around the house, trying to keep myself busy but it isn't doing a very good job of keeping my mind off of my problems. I feel so useless right now.

My kids are 6, 10, 11. I am sorry you day was bad:(will your wife talk to you? Doesn't your daughter need to go to school? Mine go back Tuesday. It can be lonely when I am alone.

My wife has talked to me very little since she left. We were on the phone almost non-stop while she was making the drive out there. She was needed directions as the GPS wasn't working right. So at that time I thought things were going well, but once she got there she shut me off for the most part. We gave my daughter a cellphone for Christmas (my wifes idea) and I have pretty much only had contact with my daughter. My wife did text me and ask if I renewed the lease on the house and had her taken off or renewed it for a month to month. Other than that not much contact with her.

My daughter does a virtual school (kind of like home schooling but mostly all done on the computer). I guess my wife hadn't planned on being gone for so long as they left all of my daughters school books here. They can do a lot of stuff on the computer from where they are, but there is some stuff she is supposed to do in workbooks also. So not really sure what my wife is planning on doing about that.

I understand the lonely part, its been killer for the past two weeks here. I am absolutely going nuts.