I am beyond confused. My head is spinning! My husband & I have gone damn near 3 weeks with very little communication.  We had decided to end our marriage, & said he'didn't be out by the end of the month. It got a little better this last week, we exchanged few words, but whenever we did, it was cordial.  This was hard for me because, I wanted to really talk to him, but clammed up instead, I was afraid of an emotional break down. I did a lot of nodding, & shrugging. I kept wondering why he was being so nice, he's the one leaving.

Earlier this week, he tells me he'd like to stay, but move downstairs, & would like to try being separated for a while. He said he could not in good conscious leave me with all the bills, because it's too much financially on my own. There is some truth to that.....but I'd find a way. Before our fight, we discussed having my brother move in with us, which we both agreed to. So, I brought that up, to which he replied he'd move into the garage. He used his famous phrase "it's up to you." I am fine with that, he really has no place to go, & I am glad to take advantage ofthe financial opportunity being presented. Between what my brother will be paying me, & what my husband said he would pay me, I save a ton! 

Tonight, he was angry. He asked a question, which I answered with a question, & he just blew his top! Tells me our marriage is a joke, & a shame. Says I am greedy & selfish. Tells me I am a bad mom. Tells me how much it pissed him off because I wouldn't talk to him all week, when he's trying to be nice. I tried to explain why, that it was hard, & emotionally challenging, but it wasn't good enough for him. He told me he still loved me, but that he's not happy, & that our marriage is never going to work, unless I changed my behavior.  I told him that I loved him, & cared deeply for him. I told him that I tried, or that I thought I was trying, but that maybe it wasn't enough effort for him. I told him I would work on myself, & go to counseling/therapy. I told him he has to go too, and we should also do marriage counseling.  He said no, he's fine, that I'm the one who needs fixing, he's already dealt with his shit. (This was 9 months before we'd even met) I was just like, WOW! Then what's the point of trial separation? I told him, no, it's not up to me, it's up to you. You are the one who said you'd consider leaving if you started making more money at work. You're the one who said you are happier alone. You're the one who said you don't need any counseling or therapy. You're the one who said you were waiting for me to kick you out. If you are that unhappy, then by all means, please leave, you don't need my permission.  

I know I'm not perfect, & I'm not saying I am. I'm not saying I'm better than he is. I feel like I made an effort many, many times. Could I have done more, or better, of course. I feel so lost, I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure what to think, or how I should even feel. I mostly feel number. I still cry a lot. I just want this pain to go away.