Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Here's my story. I've learned a lot and gained some perspective from reading others' posts here as I've struggled with the ending of my marriage.
We were together 19 years. Married 11 years. I am 41, she is 39. I basically spent my whole adult life with her. We have an 8-year-old daughter.
The last couple of years things were not that great. I knew we were a bit "off", but I didn't realize until recently how bad it was. Apparently my wife had a better sense of how bad things were, but never thought to talk to me about it. She is awful with communication. I and was pretty bad during that time.
Some more context: she is a doctor and works a lot of hours. Since we moved 5 years ago for her job, she has made a lot of contacts/friends among her doc/nurse colleagues. She is also very outgoing. I am a work-from-home software engineer. We moved for her career and I was able to switch to telecommuting. I am an introvert. You see where this is going. Due to her work hours a lot of the child care work, especially on weekday evenings (and every 4th weekend that my wife worked), was my responsibility. Also, I am home all the time. Took care of all the house maintenance stuff, bills, etc. Cooked most of the meals. But I let my social life atrophy. Since moving I have done a terrible job of making local friends, basically focusing on job, house, daughter.
When things were not-so-great between us, there was some constant low-level animosity. For me, I was feeling neglected and jealous of her social life. On her side I guess she felt that I never wanted to go out and do things. I feel like she almost flaunted her social life and I felt put-upon - like I was just the babysitter enabling her life.
9 weeks ago this all hit home really hard - I looked back and saw a lot of troubling signs that seemed to indicate she may be cheating on me. Also during the difficult period she started running regularly, lost weight, spent more time/effort on clothing and makeup, etc. So I had a heart-to-heart conversation (years too late!) with her. She said she was NOT cheating on me, but she was depressed, and seeing a therapist. She said her therapist thinks we should do marriage counseling. I agreed wholeheartedly, and we started.
But she wasn't really invested in it. I made an effort. Her efforts were half-hearted. I couldn't even give her a hug without feeling like she was drawing away. It was a painful 8 weeks during which there were some OK times and some rough times - but it was clear to me that she was not willing/able to show affection towards me anymore. Last week we had our last marriage counseling session and she told me she wanted a divorce. While I suppose this shouldn't have been surprising, of course it still hit hard. And given that I can tell she doesn't give a crap about me any more, there was really nothing more I could say/do about it.
I still think there's a pretty good likelihood that she cheated or is cheating, or at least has her heart set on someone else. But I guess it doesn't really matter now, does it?
So this is day 5. I managed to avoid drinking tonight. My primary support system has been my brother. Now my family knows, and some old friends who aren't local.
In addition to recovering from divorce, I have to somehow try to rebuild my social network/social life and get out, meet some people, make some new friends. It is terrifyingly difficult while enduring the psychological pain.
I have already found a new place to live so I can get out of the house and get away, but can't move in for two months yet. Also, we want to wait a while to tell our daughter for her sake, so I somehow need to keep trying to pretend things are somewhat normal.
Any thoughts? Advice? Is the first week the worst? Will each week gradually get better or is it too hard to predict? I try to focus on positive thoughts but often fail. Thoughts like: she is not the person I married anymore. I don't like the "new" her. I deserve someone who will appreciate me. But of course I fall into the same trap that probably everyone does, feeling rejected, like I'll never find someone "good" again, and of course I have my natural introversion to make it seem all the harder to ever meet someone new. And a lack of local friends.
So that's my story.
We were together 19 years. Married 11 years. I am 41, she is 39. I basically spent my whole adult life with her. We have an 8-year-old daughter.
The last couple of years things were not that great. I knew we were a bit "off", but I didn't realize until recently how bad it was. Apparently my wife had a better sense of how bad things were, but never thought to talk to me about it. She is awful with communication. I and was pretty bad during that time.
Some more context: she is a doctor and works a lot of hours. Since we moved 5 years ago for her job, she has made a lot of contacts/friends among her doc/nurse colleagues. She is also very outgoing. I am a work-from-home software engineer. We moved for her career and I was able to switch to telecommuting. I am an introvert. You see where this is going. Due to her work hours a lot of the child care work, especially on weekday evenings (and every 4th weekend that my wife worked), was my responsibility. Also, I am home all the time. Took care of all the house maintenance stuff, bills, etc. Cooked most of the meals. But I let my social life atrophy. Since moving I have done a terrible job of making local friends, basically focusing on job, house, daughter.
When things were not-so-great between us, there was some constant low-level animosity. For me, I was feeling neglected and jealous of her social life. On her side I guess she felt that I never wanted to go out and do things. I feel like she almost flaunted her social life and I felt put-upon - like I was just the babysitter enabling her life.
9 weeks ago this all hit home really hard - I looked back and saw a lot of troubling signs that seemed to indicate she may be cheating on me. Also during the difficult period she started running regularly, lost weight, spent more time/effort on clothing and makeup, etc. So I had a heart-to-heart conversation (years too late!) with her. She said she was NOT cheating on me, but she was depressed, and seeing a therapist. She said her therapist thinks we should do marriage counseling. I agreed wholeheartedly, and we started.
But she wasn't really invested in it. I made an effort. Her efforts were half-hearted. I couldn't even give her a hug without feeling like she was drawing away. It was a painful 8 weeks during which there were some OK times and some rough times - but it was clear to me that she was not willing/able to show affection towards me anymore. Last week we had our last marriage counseling session and she told me she wanted a divorce. While I suppose this shouldn't have been surprising, of course it still hit hard. And given that I can tell she doesn't give a crap about me any more, there was really nothing more I could say/do about it.
I still think there's a pretty good likelihood that she cheated or is cheating, or at least has her heart set on someone else. But I guess it doesn't really matter now, does it?
So this is day 5. I managed to avoid drinking tonight. My primary support system has been my brother. Now my family knows, and some old friends who aren't local.
In addition to recovering from divorce, I have to somehow try to rebuild my social network/social life and get out, meet some people, make some new friends. It is terrifyingly difficult while enduring the psychological pain.
I have already found a new place to live so I can get out of the house and get away, but can't move in for two months yet. Also, we want to wait a while to tell our daughter for her sake, so I somehow need to keep trying to pretend things are somewhat normal.
Any thoughts? Advice? Is the first week the worst? Will each week gradually get better or is it too hard to predict? I try to focus on positive thoughts but often fail. Thoughts like: she is not the person I married anymore. I don't like the "new" her. I deserve someone who will appreciate me. But of course I fall into the same trap that probably everyone does, feeling rejected, like I'll never find someone "good" again, and of course I have my natural introversion to make it seem all the harder to ever meet someone new. And a lack of local friends.
So that's my story.
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Has anyone else noticed that clearly speaking and doing things intentionally is liberating because it helps combat the feeling of depression and a sense of hopelessness? Let me share a little more: in my experience, when those who have tried to project a hidden agenda that is obviously not aligned with integrity and well-being, it's best to be firm and speak clearly from self-awareness and...
Our stories are incredibly similar...as you know
and so many I know
My wife was perimenopausal....approaching 50
Lots of new proffessional friends in her field
reinvented herself...became very overtly sexy
wanted to go out and party more....with new friends
self reflected
tore apart our marriage while making feeble efforts in couple counselling
dumped me.....after 6 months of constant criticism
and was suddenly so thrilled and excited to walk away from our 19 years together
It's eerie how common our stories are..this must be a common occurrence but I guess if marriages have a 50%+ divorce rate and there's probably a good chance a lot of the other 50% are not happy marriages...I don't know. It sucks. Good luck to you whatever you choose to do, look after yourself and your own happiness.
Murphy, yes that is quite similar. And that "thrilled and excited" manner she exhibits while going through this process is perhaps the worst part of it all.