No, sometimes people really DO cover up who they are until you're married.

I agree.. & they are generally quite good at it but if we are more in tune to those faults as well as our own, they are noticeable if we want to see them. A lot of times, we are so focused on that good feeling that we overlook subtle signs...

well my then fiance could not have treated me any better than he did. He showered me with love letters daily, presents, thoughtful deeds, phone calls, attention, affection, and love. The day after we got married he didn't speak to me. He didn't say ANYTHING to me for 6 months and just laid in bed, not doing anything. When he finally spoke, he told me had had severe depression and about a bunch of other things too painful to mention here. Some people really just do a 180 and we aren't blind to faults, we are simply tricked.

Hiker, I really understand where you are coming from. My ex was a major actor. He could sustain it for periods of time. I am talking different people. I even had names for them and spent my time waiting for the one I called___to come back. He would stay for a few months and every thing would be so dreamy. I would fall deeply in love again and then the killer ____, or the alcoholic, or ? would appear. I never knew half of his history until he was trying to get some record expunged from the Military and I saw where he was thrown out, and the mental labels he had that got him thrown out. This was about 10 yrs into our time together and I was already so screwed.
Some of the sociopaths are really good at being what they need to be to get you to do what they want you to do. I was a good one to practice his craft on.

Thanks, Kimmeee. I'm so sorry you understand this...but it sounds like you do. ((((hugs)))) Some people have more than one 'persona'....and can act for long periods of time. :(

I dont know about major faults but most couples I'm close to who have been married a long time are shining examples of opposites attract so they must see lots of faults in eachother.

My parents for example are polar opposites. My dads a worry wart and mom doesnt worry about a thing. Its a good thing my dad worries about some things and its a good thing my mom tells my dad to stop worrying sometimes.

because of how they look

About six months after my divorce, a friend tried to set me up with a friend of his that he met in rehab. She was a recovering coke addict who used sex to support her addiction. Yes a former hooker. He told me that she had a run of abusive relationships and that a good guy like me could "save" her from that. When I declined, he got pissed. He actually got PISSED and asked me why I think my shit doesn't stink. I am working on not judging people, but I think this would be taking it to an extreme. Number one it's not my job to "save" someone, and number two, I don't think I would ever be able to get past that kind of a history.

smart move, SingleDad. i figure a person has to play the odds. why choose this woman to pursue instead of that one who has her act more together?

Well I wasnt anywhere near ready to get into a relationship of any kind yet, but I struggled with this after the fact because I don't want to pass judgment on anyone anymore. It was a horrible fault of mine triggered by my own history and personal insecurity. But where does one draw the line?

I think hikerchic describes a lot of people's situations. I think that there are also those partners who are devastated by life events to the point that they change into someone we don't recognize. That's my case. Also, there is the possibility that the "faults" we see in others initially don't seem like that big a deal...not that we think we can "fix" them, but sort of the "Love the whole person, warts and all." way of seeing things. Maybe we were not not being truthful with ourselves about what we could and could not accept in our partners. I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer.

Lately I've been thinking my exS really DID want to become legitimate, start a new life, becoming someone even HE could respect and feel good about. I didnt help him with any of that, except to have hope he could do it. I think my therapist was right, that he wanted that hope on his side.

And so I agree with Hikerchic, in my case, he kept his change up in terms of his education and career, but in terms of character, the shadow self is his dominant personality, and he let go of wanting to change that after he knew he "had" me.

I doubt he can change that even if he wants to.

It would be like a predator wishing to become a grazer.

Everyone wants love, even those who arent very good at giving as good as they get....even predators.

In my case, its about believing who people say they are, and paying attention to their actions, how they treat others, especially their relationship with their mom...and accepting what is...not hoping for growth.

Reading the responses to this thread causes me to further ponder the many different situations that have brought each us to this common ground of pain and loss. For me (as that is the only reference I can speak of with any authority-ish), I tend to self bitterly flagellate/ beat myself up for my faults (some deserved, some not). I justify being dumped from marriage/home/countries/career/culture/friends... blah, etc/ by my own flaws/ inadequacies rather that merely taking my just 50% of the blame. I struggle with this daily. I never reached the anger stage....unless it was aimed towards myself. Though I am the antithesis of the "victim" role...I kinda feel drawn to it against my will.

At the end of the day, the only flaws I have to come to terms with are my own. I am a worthy opponent...Far more tenacious than any other could ever be. (How I perceive him is, to some degree, apart from my own healing path ). "Forza e coraggio to each f us.

yes, Jaken, you CAN

Red Rapunzel..you hit the nail on the head for me with your post. I beat myself up for all of this shit instead of placing it where it needs to go. I have not yet gotten to the anger stage for any length of time..maybe an hour or so here or there but not that long. I look at myself and wonder where I lie fault what is wrong with me that everyone had to cheat. How can I change myself? I don't know...I look at my faults and I can't seem to change them they are who I am.