(((Llmt))))

bella, I liked the way you summed it up.

I miss my old self, to.

Sorry for all of you that has had to suffer with emotional abuse.

I agree with bigguy in that you don't have to be told you are fat, lazy, ugly, etc. My X never did that. (But I am missing the abuse inwhat you were describing, bg, other than she was just a selfish, careless woman....)

That's what was difficult for me... as I was always confident, independent, strong. I could NEVER be an abuse victim. EVER. In fact, he came off as the victim in many, many more obvious ways, hence the justification for his choices that meant the demise of pur marriage.

It is a tough thing to understand. And as someone mentioned (bella...?_ you often do NOT realize it until it is over, you are spending your days wondering why you are still afraid to venture out, wondering why you still care what they think, even though they are long gone.

It's tough. But I am learning that I can only be controlled if I allow it. I have stopped trying to "figure him out" and what happened and am focusing on why I still give a crap and why I chose him in the first place.

For me that was shitting on my crying feelings to make that work, but #2 comment made that all more complex. I tend not to use terms, unless they are named to me by pro.

Oh yes, 33 years of emotional abuse - worse the last l0. I knew it was going on but wasn't ready to leave him. Now, I won't even talk to him or look at him.

My therapist called it right when she diagnosed me with PTSD.

Lynne

I've been out of it for over 3 years, had tons of therapy that started while I was in it, and 2 years of therapy afterwards.

I had no way of articulating what was happening to me in the beginning. I just knew I used to be strong, beautiful, confident, walking the world feeling like a goddess, but after a year of being with my exS I started to not recognize myself, was miserable emotionally, sick physically and wished I was dead everyday for 7 years.

And the weird thing is, I still can't adequately articulate how he did what he did. I don't have the words for it because it WAS so insidious. I never got called names, but the mindfucks were constant, and some of them were really horrible.

I took loads of photos of myself after it all ended, and I had looked at them last week, I can't even bare to look at them for a second. I was bloated and swollen, bedraggled, blotchy, deep dark circles under my dead looking eyes, ashen, bloodshot. I looked like I was dying...and I was.

Leaving him, having the courage to do it in a way he wouldn't ever again come back, breaking that trauma bond, abuse/cycle was the biggest rescue of self-preservation I think I ever exercised.

I seriously, from the bottom of my swelling heart for all you survivors, applaud all of you who are out of your emotionally abusive relationships.

It requires such courage to face the pain of ending it, and such resiliency to claw your ways back to your lives, to your children, to your selves...hoh!!

...inspiring!

if I hadn't had experienced it, I would never be able to appreciate just what a struggle it is to extricate and recover yourselves.

dance on, you sparkling diamonds!!!

Joy - your post was so eloquent that I had to reply. Yes, kudos to you and all the survivors.

I'm grateful for DS being here to permit us to reach out to each other and share our experience, support each other and add encouragement as we stumble down our paths.

Lynne

juliet.... just went to youarenotcrazy.com.... man, the more i read about emotional abuse, the more and more sick to my stomach i get. my stbx was doing so many of those things to me, and i didn't even know it, and things are still coming to light now about how he would treat me. i think it may take longer for me to recover from all this than i thought.

I can relate to all of these posts because I lived it too for 28 years (he even continued to verbally and emotionally abuse me during the separation~ugh!).

Many have said it is insidious and it is. My ex slowly overtime took a woman who was happy, joyful, confident, fun, etc. and turned her into woman who was tired, depressed, friendless, anxious, and dull. He did this with his words.

He wondered why I always spent time at work. I told him once, "It's the only place I feel safe and confident." Isn't that sad. I didn't feel safe and confident in my own home.

I told him once, "Why is it my colleagues, family, and friends never find fault with me, but with you I am just one big fuck-up?" He said it was because of my depression and that people didn't see the "real" me like he did.

And, oh yes, the threats: if we didn't do things together he would threaten divorce. He criticized my hair, clothes, weight, choice of hobbies, friends, everything.

The sad part was I knew this wasn't a healthy relationship, but I had no name to put on what he was doing to me. I mean, after all, he wasn't hitting me. So I suffered in silence.

It wasn't until I kicked him out after the second affair, and began reading about verbal/emotional abuse (The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans--great read), that I realized I had been verbally/emotionally abused for the entire marriage. I discovered after a month of separation that I wasn't walking on eggshells anymore. The anxiety was gone unless I would see him and then it would come charging back.

I still have PTSD-type moments if I have to deal with him. I'm working on those. Now I don't see him and could care less if I ever see him. He's taken enough of my life.

I am so different today and people notice it. My family says I'm the Susie they used to know. I'm finding my way back and like Bella, I will never allow this to happen again.

In a way, the skank ho did me a favor. She lured that abusive, piece-of-shit fucktard away from me. Her loss, my gain. hehehe.

Sorry so long, but this is a big trigger for me.

just some quick thoughts

- I felt the loss of him in my life as though a limb had been amputated, but that was then .. now I feel like this body-snatching blood-sucking root that was holding me down like an anchor was chopped off, and I can breathe and move again ... it's freedom, not loss

- I need to remember the moments I have that pop up, which I feel such an intense reaction to, are not what's wrong with me, they're shards of that PTSD sliding off me like a crumbling glacier, appropriate reactions and reminders considering what I experienced

HurtinandHealin
your laundry list reminded me of that.

My exS was livid with me once near the end when I told him I always felt "braced", even when I wasn't near him. Braced for the next disaster, the next crisis, the next trauma, the next punishment. Constant anxiety, constant state of confusion and self-doubt (when I was NEVER like that in my life before). Like you, I was always at fault around him, but other people didn't think I was.

His favourite criticism was that I was neurotic when I was "braced", or "suspicious", "untrusting" or "overly emotional", addressing issues or in any way not relaxed and happy. What a crock! Twisting my brain around to just decide to be happy or trust him or ignore all of the many things that were wrong was me being neurotic. The anxiety was the blaring canary in the coal mine I was in. And it's some of those things I chose to ignore that I'm guilty over and in the process of making amends for.

yep, he criticized almost every choice I made, too... my clothes, what dressing was on the salad, how long i took to get ready (um, 45 minutes including a shower), how clean he thought the giant house should be, what the kids were wearing or doing.....I was never enough. What I did was always wrong. He looked at opinions as facts. He would get really angry over small mistakes I made, like finding the wrong entrance to a building, that was less convenient. Big angry outbursts, including door slamming and throwing things at times... like he was taking all of his life's problems out on me. I knew I wasn't the issue, but that doesn't really deflect the constant criticism. If he found a true weakness of mine (one was that I was bad directionally), he liked to talk about that often and say things like "You are so bad with directions" in the most snotty condescending tone. If I admitted I am, which I did, he would still continue to talk about it. He liked to tell me I was quirky if he got the chance to...."You like to change the hand towels every day? You are so quirky." YEARS of hearing that you are strange for being yourself. Years of never measuring up. That is at the heart of emotional abuse I think...

I feel for everyone on this thread.

My favorite was the arguments that had no resolution to them. Arguing for the sake of arguing. It was a great way to get some name calling in and for him to express his ever present rage. Good times, good times...

OMG...yeah.....we had some that went 8 hours, and only ended when I was exhausted , depleted and asking for forgiveness just so it would end.

(lighting off fireworks)

so glad we're all out from that BS.

I just posted that list of STOPPERS for you guys. Take a look. it is what saved me. on the main list.

I too have PTSS from it - I have court coming up again and now I can sit there and NOT fall apart, 20+yrs of his shit.

but NOW I am free! NOW I am happy! NOW I can see this clearly and RUN like hell at the first STOPPER!