Hi bambam, I'm so sorry that you and your children are living with abuse. It sounds like you and your babies have been living like this for a while.

I think your fear is very healthy because it is causing you to take appropriate action. It's very scary to call the police and I'm proud of you for doing so.

Speaking w/your attorney is a good next step. Additionally, I urge you to go to the nearest women's shelter and ask them to help you create a SAFE plan to leave.

IMPORTANT: Abusers, even those who haven't yet been physical, are THE most dangerous when they realize we are leaving! So do NOT tell him you are thinking about leaving, divorcing, etc.

Below is a list of other things to consider when leaving an abuser (or cheater or an otherwise scumbag stbx).

I know this is a lot and it can be very overwhelming, so copy & print it and just do one thing at a time. Some other things you can do to be proactive are as follows:


Get yourself and your kids into counseling w/a therapist who specializes in recovery from abuse.

Start a journal, if you aren't journaling already. Write down everything you can remember w/dates, times, and as much detail as you can, all abusive incidents. Some courts will allow the submission of journals.

Gather copies of all important papers like insurance policies, financial records (including mortgages, loans/debts, savings, investments, retirement accts, etc.), last 3 yrs tax returns (his and yours if you didn't file jointly), social security cards, car titles, his most recent pay stubs. If you don't have a copier, take photographs of each document. Make sure you use the 'macro' setting on the camera. The helps keep the picture clear on close-ups. If you can, bring the photos up on a computer to make sure they are clear and easily readable before you put everything back.

Find out everything you can about h's financials. They will LIE & hide money. (Found that out the hard way.) Check to see if he has taken out credit cards or loans or loaned or co-signed a loan for someone else w/o your knowledge. (Found out that the hard way too) The way to do this is to get copies of his and your credit reports from all three credit bureaus. You get one free from each cr. bureau each year for each person. https://www.annualcreditreport.com/ Then look at the report very carefully. It should list everything from loans to credit cards. You will be able to see if there is anything w/your name on it that you didn't know about before.

Start stashing cash away where he can't find it. Open a credit card & checking account in your own name if you don't already have one. You may also want to get a P.O. Box so your statements aren't accessible to him.

Make sure you clear your cookies and history every day and that your electronics don't have any tracking apps on them.

Pack a bag w/clothes for you and your kids. Pack toys, photos, kids soc security cards, any needed medicines, etc. And put bag someplace safe away from your house.

CRITICALLY IMPORTANT: Make sure he does NOT know that you're doing this. Put the copies in a safe place, preferably away from your house. AND, Do NOT talk to anyone about this who is a mutual friend. They can and do turn on you in a heartbeat.


I highly recommend the physical & emotional abuse support group here on DS. Its a great group with many compassionate wise members.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/support-group

~healing hugs~

Thank you friend - this is needed right now. Thankfully, I contacted a lawyer months ago and started the paperwork - went to court yesterday for the first time.

The house is in my name and my name only - made sure of that when I bought it. It is clearly set out in the separation paperwork that it is MY residence and he has no rights to it.

I will pack a few bags tonight - and be sure to have them in the van if needed.

I already have a safehouse/shelter we can go to a few months ago, I went to an abuse counsellor for support from emotionalabuse/gas lighting effect.

I am still in shock here....

Sounds like you are doing all the right things to take good care of you and your kids. Extreme self-care is critical when going thru this horrible process. And good for your for insuring that the house was/is in your name only.

Shock at this point is normal. It can affect how you see things and your decision-making. So, if you're not still going to therapy, please consider going again. Weekly or bi-weekly sessions can help make this process a little easier. And it can help calm down the shock.

I encourage you to check out the physical & emotional abuse support group here on DS. There are many supportive & caring people who have been, or are going, thru what you're dealing with now.

~healing hugs~

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. MytrueColors offered wonderful advice! So I just wanted to offer encouragement. Hang in there, I will be praying for your safety and that God will supply your needs.

God bless you,
kdgsupermom

Thank you all - sadly, the cops couldn't do anything bc 'he didn't hit me' or offered to 'vague' a threat.

WTH?!??!?!?

That's why you have to document everything, especially the emotional & verbal abuse. Also any verbal threats, implied threats or threatening moves he makes like throwing things, punching walls, etc.

Please contact your shelter. They can help you put together a plan to document the abuse. Here the the website for the Nat'l DV Hotline. You will find that they include verbal and emotional abuse.

http://www.thehotline.org/ for the mail site
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/ for a definition of abuse

Also here is a link to a thread here on DS that gives examples of what is considered abuse.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/18434377-examples-physical-abuse

Please get with someone at your shelter asap. If they don't seem like they want to help, ask to speak w/someone else. Don't take no for an answer.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Here in my state, you don't have to be physically hit to merit an arrest. All you have to do is to state you felt threatened for your safety and well being and this gives the authorities the basis for an arrest.

Be very careful around him. It only take a spit second for someone to go from being agitated to being physical aggressive. This is often times a progressive process., First, it is ignoring the issue, being quiet and withdrawn, then comes verbal abuse then, after a period of time, they feel verbal abuse isn't getting the results they want and they step across the line and physical abuse and battery are next. I have seen battered wives with busted lips, bruised faces, black eyes, bruised arms and torsos from being kicked, etc.

Truecolors has given you some good advice. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Good advice from all.
Plz, plz, plz....play your cards very close to you. The only person you should share ANY information with is your therapist and lawyer. Do not share info about what you are doing with family, your children, or friends so they don't accidentally tip you off (I know it was mentioned, but I'm echoing it becuz it is very important in your escape.

The other tidbit of advice I would like to share is......don't look back or go back.....EVER. He will not change and once you leave and come back, he will know he has the upper hand and things will get way worse. Don't let him charm his way back in.......he may become really nice to try and get you to come back/let him come back......it's a trap. The abuser usually flip flops from being really nice to becoming even more violent. He will not play fair in court.....so expect him to be non compliant and to play games. Keep your cool and seek therapy and good support.
My best to you and keep safe!