Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This weekend is my daughter's piano recital. I have been her music companion for the 1.5 years she has been taking lessons (I play guitar, have strong knowledge of music theory, etc) - working with her on practicing, taking her to all her lessons, etc.
Saturday is the rehearsal for the recital. Sunday is the recital. No question I will be taking her to both and be the "point person" for the whole event.
On Saturday students signed up for consecutive time slots to practice in the church where the recital will be held. We have the first slot. The very next slot is held by my neighbor, whose older daughter takes lessons at the same school. This is the neighbor that my wife was having inappropriate get-togethers with, and that I have a strong suspicion (85% or more) she had sex with at least once. This is a neighbor that I used to play poker with. I ended the poker games, unfriended him on FB, etc. Now I suspect he will be standing near me in a near-empty church while my daughter, then his, go up to practice on the piano. My daughter knows him and may act all chummy with him also.
I am not sure how to handle Saturday. Ignore him - as if he doesn't exist? But this would be very strange if my daughter is interacting with him. Give him a silent nod of recognition and then back to ignoring? Knock him out cold? OK, probably not that.
Sunday I expect stbx to be at the recital. She is working but will probably find a way to make it there. I expect to ignore her completely unless something comes up re: daughter. I will sure as hell not sit near her. I wonder if she will sit with neighbor? After the recital there is a reception - food, mingling. I hope that stbx will skip that due to work. But I'm sure neighbor will be there. So this is also going to be a really tough event to make it through - at a time when I should be celebrating 1.5 years of hard work from my daughter and myself in getting her to this point with her piano playing.
As if I don't have enough anger to work through - our cheating POS spouses and their selfishness continue to fuck up other important aspects of our lives, and our kids' lives.
Saturday is the rehearsal for the recital. Sunday is the recital. No question I will be taking her to both and be the "point person" for the whole event.
On Saturday students signed up for consecutive time slots to practice in the church where the recital will be held. We have the first slot. The very next slot is held by my neighbor, whose older daughter takes lessons at the same school. This is the neighbor that my wife was having inappropriate get-togethers with, and that I have a strong suspicion (85% or more) she had sex with at least once. This is a neighbor that I used to play poker with. I ended the poker games, unfriended him on FB, etc. Now I suspect he will be standing near me in a near-empty church while my daughter, then his, go up to practice on the piano. My daughter knows him and may act all chummy with him also.
I am not sure how to handle Saturday. Ignore him - as if he doesn't exist? But this would be very strange if my daughter is interacting with him. Give him a silent nod of recognition and then back to ignoring? Knock him out cold? OK, probably not that.
Sunday I expect stbx to be at the recital. She is working but will probably find a way to make it there. I expect to ignore her completely unless something comes up re: daughter. I will sure as hell not sit near her. I wonder if she will sit with neighbor? After the recital there is a reception - food, mingling. I hope that stbx will skip that due to work. But I'm sure neighbor will be there. So this is also going to be a really tough event to make it through - at a time when I should be celebrating 1.5 years of hard work from my daughter and myself in getting her to this point with her piano playing.
As if I don't have enough anger to work through - our cheating POS spouses and their selfishness continue to fuck up other important aspects of our lives, and our kids' lives.
This night is very important to you and your daughter. She is your main focus. You cannot change what has happened but you can be the better man and just say hello then walk away. There is no need for you to stoop down to this POS but be the nice man you are and do not deceive your own values because someone else is dishonest. Weather this person slept with your X, who knows but if it bothers you so much and you need closure then maybe you can meet him at a different time so you can get the story straight and also inform him of your suspicions. He has to know something is wrong if you canceled poker games ect. does he ever question why?
You will have a great time with the most important person in your world and that is your daughter, do not worry about the POS that is not important. Proud papa! focus on your daughter and maybe plan a slice of pizza or ice cream afterwards. Maybe allow her to have a sleep over with some of her friends. Congratulations on the recital it takes a lot to get there. Take care
Today was the rehearsal for the recital. Recall that neighbor who my wife almost certainly cheated with was due to arrive right after me for the rehearsal slot.
So we arrived at the venue, no one was there yet. Waited a while. Eventually, neighbor's daughter walked in (she is older, about 12-13 or so). I thought - this is a nightmare, soon neighbor will walk in and since the teacher isn't here yet it's just us in this church waiting for things to happen. I was pacing all over the place, wondering where to position myself for minimal interaction.
Then another woman walked in. I inferred later that she was a voice teacher. Then finally the teacher arrived and much bustling ensued as things were set up. And when neighbor's daughter was done, she left. Neighbor never showed up.
I think neighbor stayed in his car the whole time. Not sure, but I can't otherwise explain it. This was almost certainly the result of my being there. Of course, this also makes me wonder whether to increase the odds of him being "current guy" with my stbx whore of a wife. I was pretty sure it was the younger guy. But now maybe the odds skew a little bit. Not that it really matters in the long run.
I think this whole weekend of anticipating these encounters has set me back a little - just that my mind has been on it constantly. And also that I took my daughter to the aquarium today, and doing "family things" when I no longer have a proper family, and being surrounded by intact families, really emphasizes what has been thrown away here.
Still having trouble with anger, shock, and hurt. Still can't believe what stbx has done, and for how long she has done it, and how she treated me along the way, and all the lies, and how she lied during marriage f-in counseling, and on and on and on... It is so heinous it just haunts me.
My daughter tells me that mom (stbx) will not be at the recital tomorrow since she has to work. I actually figured she would find a way to be there despite that. But I'm glad she won't be to some extent. And yet think it's ridiculous that she would miss her daughter's recital after 1.5 years of piano lessons. But I already know what a shitty parent she is.
Since I'm rambling I'll throw this out there too. Friday was a handoff day - stbx had daughter Wed/Thu and I was to pick her up from school Friday. stbx made some kind of offer of taking her in the afternoon and then bringing her to me, and I refused b/c I don't want to see stbx at all if I can help it; I said no, I will pick her up. Then what ended up happening is daughter "forgot" to pack her piano music to school. So stbx said she could bring it to her at after-school care. I said fine, please drop it off before 3pm when I will pick her up (half day, last day of school). Anyway, I show up at 3pm and stbx is waiting in her car, walks over to me and hands me the music. I just took it, put it in my car, turned my back, and went to get daughter. She seems to have deliberately orchestrated a face-to-face meeting. I have no idea why. I don't want to see her at all. Perhaps some power trip thing.
So I guess the bright side of all this is that tomorrow should be a bit easier. stbx will not be there. Neighbor will certainly be there but it will be a scenario with a bunch of people - much easier to ignore him and focus on my daughter.
btw, daughter was awesome in her rehearsal. I was so proud! She played her songs on a 100-year-old Steinway grand piano in a reverberant church and it sounded great!
I can understand how you'd question why the neighbor did not enter the practice area. I hope you are not spending a lot of time analyzing that. It is natural to credit a cause/effect relationship to everything your ex and the neighbor do. I have done both things myself - dropped off my son at the music practice because I hate parking there or it's more comfortable in my car, and handed the kids' items directly to my ex so that he knows I delivered it. So, I'm just pointing out there could be totally benign reasons for their actions this weekend.
All your feelings are normal, but let me tell you it gets easier, the more time that passes, and the less contact you can have. I have come a long way beyond the stress-induced nosebleeds I used to get every other weekend when I knew I'd have to see my ex for the kid exchange. I threw my ex out almost 18 months ago. I'm still not yet to the point where I compliment him when talking to the kids. I may never get there.
I'm going to side with 11christmases on this one too.. although its so easy to read the scenario in a negative light.. try not to overthink it.. you're ultimately giving your ex control over your day still by reading events as ways she can continue to hurt you.. I also know this is NOT an easy transition in thinking.. since most of us have had unfaithful spouses, and our brains are on autopilot thinking 'whats her/his angle now!??!'..
I'm really glad your stbx isn't coming to todays event.. and I truly hope your able to enjoy your time with your daughter and try to have a relaxing day.. so much easier said then done.. I know.. but you DESERVE a break.. and I hope your able to atleast find a moment of peace today.. even if its just an hour.. focus on that beautiful church and the music.. and the knowledge your amazing flesh and blood has mastered this skill with your help :)
I'm still in my own processes of letting go of the anger, and hurt.. the shock has worn off for me.. but honestly its just transitioned to additional anger that his selfishness could consume and destroy so much of my life.. but I'm REALLY working on trying to focus on ME anymore.. I try to make myself think of him less.. again, easier said then done.. your stbx has had a place in your mind for years and years.. you have to evict her from your thoughts.. when your mind starts turning towards her.. make yourself stop and think of something else.. this is their last thread of control over us.. you need to retrain your mind to think about YOU .. YOU and your daughter.. its time for you to be selfish!.. and honestly your NOT being selfish.. your learning to take care of yourself, BY yourself
many of us are also moving from a joint family to a single family.. that's a monstrous transition on its own.. and like you mentioned you see all these happy families on your day to day activities ( or outings ) and it just pounds in another nail.. do I ever agree with that.. but heres the truth.. your giving your pain the control over your thoughts..
try to spin your thoughts differently, to a more positive approach.. I find this scenerio of seeing families all around me at the store.. at first it was so overwhelming I limited my outings.. but I'm giving him control when I do that! and I refuse to have him control my life anymore.. its YOUR life.. they are no longer allowed a voice in your decisions.. other then when our children are involved.
at first I tried spinning negative thoughts about these 'families' around me.. their probably arguing about every item their putting in the cart, he probably would rather be at the game then here with his wife..' I'm not a negative person by nature.. but by taking that 'ohh what a happy family they are..'.. scenario out of the picture, and focusing on what negative aspects COULD have been at play.. it helped me be able to move past those thoughts.. does that make any sence?? lol... Its hard to explain.. but keep the focus as positive about YOUR situation as you can.. you dont NEED to ask anyone if its ok to buy an item, or do you want the red or the green? YOU get to finally have the FINAL decision in every choice.. no more compromising, no more giving in to someone else's will.. THATS a good feeling, to finally have complete control over your daily activities :)
..speaking of rambling.. :) I'm sorry, but sometimes when I get started.. I just GO! try to enjoy today, and remember, everyday is another day behind you.. and everyday that goes by, will help you in your life ahead.. try to stay positive, and know you have a great future ahead of you.. let the negative stay with her.. she built it, she can have it.. your not alone :)
You are right about my over-analyzing the various interactions with "guilty parties". I didn't go too far into analyzing the neighbor's absence from rehearsal. That one makes total sense. He likely would have felt as awkward as me, or more so. Maybe he figured he was doing me a favor.
The face-to-face thing with stbx was much weirder. The "normal" her would have just dropped off the music and left. This was something odd and deliberate, as was her direct approach to me as I got out of my car. No idea why. We had seen each other only once in the prior 19 days, as I had moved in with my parents to get away from her. But whatever. It was weird but the reasons don't matter in the end.
Lately, for some reason, it seems worse (maybe one of those regressions we all hit on the healing path). Like she's on my mind almost all the time. I am fairly successful in framing her in the negative - it's not like I'm pining for her mentally - but she's still THERE. And I want her GONE. I still feel that shock about all the infidelity, and all the casual, easy lies she told all along while doing these things. It is so f-in wrong it just grates on me badly.
So yeah, I have work to do.
You're also right about seeing all those "intact" families. It's one of those situations where we idealize what we don't have: including our ex, those other families, etc. Ex's relationship may be crap, who knows. Almost surely is unhealthy in some ways. Those other families - some may be falling apart, unhappy - again, who knows. I am rational enough to realize that a lot of this is my short-term visceral pain responding and that, over time, the rational view should win out.
And you are totally right about me needing to focus now on my new life (hence your aptly chosen name, "mynewnormal"). In my better moments I do see those positives and look somewhat forward to starting over. Thanks so much for the encouraging words.
stbx was NOT there. I was glad. My sister said how the HELL can a mom not go to her kid's piano recital? I know she had to work but she has ways to work around things and could have done so. Anyway, good riddance.
Neighbor was not there either!! Neighbor's daughter is a sweet kid. I said hi to her, and congratulated her after the performance. Her mom and oldest brother were there, and they stayed well away from me. It makes me wonder what neighbor's wife might know (or not know) about the whole situation? Otherwise I might have expected her to say hi to me. Strange. But glad neighbor wasn't there either. There are two cheating assholes who skipped their kids' piano recital because of their selfishness.
So in the end I was able to enjoy the recital. The only negative was the extreme heat and humidity in the church today - it was oppressive. But my daughter played well - one mistake in three short songs, and she recovered well from it. After the recital was over I gave her a bouquet of flowers; she had never received flowers like that before and I think she felt special. Then there was a reception.
I also managed to lose myself in the moment a few times, which was nice. The best performance of the day was by a scrawny boy who looked perhaps 15 and played Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsody #2. It was incredible. Youtube it if you think you don't know it - you probably do (especially if you watched a lot of bugs bunny as a kid). Imagine a teenager playing this piece!
So I did succeed in enjoying the recital. And my daughter knows who was there for her every step of the way.
one of my favorite lines that I heard for the first time on this site.. was that cheaters are cowards.. its SO true.. god forbid they step up and END one relationship before going into another.. they're cowards, and their selfish.. its quite possible you have more strength in this scenario then your giving yourself credit for, maybe both Neighbor and ex are feeling some guilt, and feeling dirty, and chose to shy away from any possible confrontation out of pure cowardliness.. (not sure thats a word lol).. but it really doesn't matter, what matters is you DID step up, you DID support your daughter in the midst of all this.. and she knows whos really amazing and will always be there for her.. wtg Dad! what a great fathers day treat :)
mommato2lilmonkeys
Forgiveness...here's my thoughts, I do believe forgiveness is for "you" not the person being forgiven. I believe that in order to forgive someone who has betrayed us, they need to ask us for forgiveness. Then I get torn, because, I am a christian, and God offered his forgiveness to me with very little expectation, but I still asked for forgiveness, and ask for it every day that I screw up. So pretty much every day. I don't know if you will ever forgive your STBX, and I don't know if she deserves it or will ever ask for it (I asked my ex husband for forgiveness for the pain I caused him, many times, actually, and each time he offered forgiveness), but I do know this, try to come to a point of indifference towards her. You may not be able to forgive her, and you justifiably hate her, but holding onto that hate, it will fester in your heart. Indifference is a victory on two levels. It shows her she does not matter to you, and it relieves your heart of the festering hate that is there. It will take a long time to get to a point of indifference, but eventually, I think you will get there. Indifference is the point you are truly over your STBX (and I don't mean that by saying you want her back, I mean that in the sense of your STBX will not matter to you in any way, shape or form). Indifference towards her should be one of your goals.
I'm so proud of you, Stepping!