Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This weekend is my daughter's piano recital. I have been her music companion for the 1.5 years she has been taking lessons (I play guitar, have strong knowledge of music theory, etc) - working with her on practicing, taking her to all her lessons, etc.
Saturday is the rehearsal for the recital. Sunday is the recital. No question I will be taking her to both and be the "point person" for the whole event.
On Saturday students signed up for consecutive time slots to practice in the church where the recital will be held. We have the first slot. The very next slot is held by my neighbor, whose older daughter takes lessons at the same school. This is the neighbor that my wife was having inappropriate get-togethers with, and that I have a strong suspicion (85% or more) she had sex with at least once. This is a neighbor that I used to play poker with. I ended the poker games, unfriended him on FB, etc. Now I suspect he will be standing near me in a near-empty church while my daughter, then his, go up to practice on the piano. My daughter knows him and may act all chummy with him also.
I am not sure how to handle Saturday. Ignore him - as if he doesn't exist? But this would be very strange if my daughter is interacting with him. Give him a silent nod of recognition and then back to ignoring? Knock him out cold? OK, probably not that.
Sunday I expect stbx to be at the recital. She is working but will probably find a way to make it there. I expect to ignore her completely unless something comes up re: daughter. I will sure as hell not sit near her. I wonder if she will sit with neighbor? After the recital there is a reception - food, mingling. I hope that stbx will skip that due to work. But I'm sure neighbor will be there. So this is also going to be a really tough event to make it through - at a time when I should be celebrating 1.5 years of hard work from my daughter and myself in getting her to this point with her piano playing.
As if I don't have enough anger to work through - our cheating POS spouses and their selfishness continue to fuck up other important aspects of our lives, and our kids' lives.
Saturday is the rehearsal for the recital. Sunday is the recital. No question I will be taking her to both and be the "point person" for the whole event.
On Saturday students signed up for consecutive time slots to practice in the church where the recital will be held. We have the first slot. The very next slot is held by my neighbor, whose older daughter takes lessons at the same school. This is the neighbor that my wife was having inappropriate get-togethers with, and that I have a strong suspicion (85% or more) she had sex with at least once. This is a neighbor that I used to play poker with. I ended the poker games, unfriended him on FB, etc. Now I suspect he will be standing near me in a near-empty church while my daughter, then his, go up to practice on the piano. My daughter knows him and may act all chummy with him also.
I am not sure how to handle Saturday. Ignore him - as if he doesn't exist? But this would be very strange if my daughter is interacting with him. Give him a silent nod of recognition and then back to ignoring? Knock him out cold? OK, probably not that.
Sunday I expect stbx to be at the recital. She is working but will probably find a way to make it there. I expect to ignore her completely unless something comes up re: daughter. I will sure as hell not sit near her. I wonder if she will sit with neighbor? After the recital there is a reception - food, mingling. I hope that stbx will skip that due to work. But I'm sure neighbor will be there. So this is also going to be a really tough event to make it through - at a time when I should be celebrating 1.5 years of hard work from my daughter and myself in getting her to this point with her piano playing.
As if I don't have enough anger to work through - our cheating POS spouses and their selfishness continue to fuck up other important aspects of our lives, and our kids' lives.
If she wants you to sit with her mother, then do so. If she wants pictures with her mother, then go ahead.
Hell, if she wants you to dance together do so
This is her moments, and acting on your own wishes will ruin it for her. Please consider this
(and I am sorry for how harsh this sounds, but the children must come first)
I know what i am talking about, until there was abuse -=I did. I sacrificed every day and let in and let their father be a part of their lives, I hated it but it was what is best, right?
As for the neighbor i feel you don't have to acknowledged him at all. Ignore him. If your daughter (I dont know how old she is) does not know what is going on between your stbx wife and the neighbor then best to let her interact with him as hard as will be. She might find out sooner or later but dont need to let be you that tells her. What you can do is try and get her out of there as soon as she is done. Take her out for a good practice treat or something. And as for your sunday just think of all the hard work you two put in to this day and try hard not to let all the negative feeling over rule all the hard work. You are very strong person and do this.
Good luck to your Daughter and you.
mommato2lilmonkeys
Praying for you
kdgsupermom
Is there any way you can still get your practice time slot changed? Just tell them "something came up" and ask if there are other slots available?
I feel your pain BTW. I have had to deal with my ex at several recitals, but not his new fiance yet. I dread that day. Fortunately for me, my son does not like her and he no longer invites his dad to his recitals when they fall on my weekends.
Actually, changing our rehearsal time would be a good idea but would screw up the rest of our plans. I promised daughter we would do rehearsal, then go to lunch together, then go to the aquarium. If we change our time, we will end up late afternoon and that will make scheduling the rest of the day difficult. So I think I will stick with the time and personal difficulty to keep our day intact.
I'm still not sure what I will say, if anything, when neighbor is there. If he engages me, I might say something like "I really don't have anything to say" and walk away (if daughter is out of earshot). It's all a bit weird since we have never "had it out" - I have never directly accused him of anything, although I did more or less accuse my wife. She denies it, of course, but then again she denies everything - still would claim she hasn't cheated!! What a joke.
I'm sure she told him something about what I think or suspect. And I will also admit that there's even a possibility (small) that nothing physical happened between them. But even still, there were inappropriate meetings arranged while I was away and not shared with me; and daughter let slip that stbx had to retrieve a necklace at his house. I have learned in the recent painful months to trust my intuition - it has been right all along while my attempts to trust and give stbx the benefit of the doubt have been unjustified - she didn't deserve it.
So I will gear up for a very awkward situation on Saturday and try to get out of there ASAP.
Sunday will be better in that there will be many people around, and worse in that stbx will be there. Oh well. Challenges abound. Life is shit right now.
"Try to find it in your heart to forgive so that you can move on with your life."
I don't know how to do this. I feel like I will need to move on with my life *without* forgiving. I know people say that forgiving is really for me, not her, but I tend to have a very morally black/white view of many things in the world. And her cheating was, well - extensive, long duration, multiple partners (and probably more that I don't know about), and accompanied by some rather shitty treatment of me. All the while using me for child care and what I do around the house. Then she denied everything, so emphatically, while dragging me through two months of torture in marriage counseling while STILL cheating on me! Then she told me she wanted a divorce, said again she never cheated, and said she "would never do anything to deliberately hurt me!" Yeah right! I found out about the cheating a couple weeks later.
I mean, when I try to digest it all it is still shocking and outrageous to me. I don't know that I will ever forgive her. She disgusts me and I absolutely despise her. My biggest hurdle right now is constant anger. I probably need to find an anger management class or support group.
So I feel like I will need to find my own way of moving on - without forgiveness. Maybe this is a harsh viewpoint, but it's the way I've always been. It probably makes situations like this harder on myself, but I don't know how to think/feel otherwise. This I cannot forgive. She will get cold cordiality from me and that is it. It is the best I can manage, and she doesn't deserve even that.
Although I'm not a particularly religious person, I completed a couple of forgiveness and anger reading plans on the the Bible App. I didn't feel like any of them did the trick so I started a 40 day forgiveness plan which I completed today. I still cannot honestly say that I forgive him yet but I'm less vexed by existence than I was 40 days ago. I also can't imagine bumping into him in a couple of years and caring one way or the other. Although I still have moments of absolute fury, it becomes clearer to me with each day that he is just a small chapter in the book of my life. My hope for you is that one day you feel that your wife is equally insignificant.
This day is about your daughter though and since you are the sane parent, then its incumbent on you to get through it with no drama on your end. I would stay away from the stbx and the neighbor as much as humanly possible.
Cheaters in general are pretty cowardly so chances are pretty good he'll stay away from you.
I wish you luck and peace this weekend friend.
lemaym1.wordpress.com/
'You're also teaching her (your daughter) how to respond when faced with adversity. You do not want to teach her to be hypocritical or to abdicate her self-respect.'
I find myself 'sugar-coating' my pain from my own kids, and just putting that fake 'its fine honey' smile on when they know its a touchy subject.. my kids are 14/9.. not sure how old your daughter is, but sugar-coating isn't always the answer, and 'faking it' isn't either..
I have my kids in counseling to help deal with my divorce from their Dad.. and one of the things their counselor shared with me was TEACH them.. share with them your feelings and your conflicting emotions.. they can see your hurting, dont hide it.. the big sucker punch to me was she said 'secrets kill families..'.. you dont need to spell out all the horrible details, but be honest with your daughter about your reservations too.. she knows this isn't going to be comfortable.. and she's probably as uncomfortable as you are.. take this as an opportunity to open communication too.. ask her how she feels about the upcoming event..
once I started opening up my TRUE feelings with my kids.. they noticed me becoming happier, and our relationships are better for it.. its tough on them too.. your daughter may be focusing on 'who do i sit with??'.. instead of the excitement of the day.. make sure she's got some support in all this too :)
I really hope the day goes smoothly for you, keep the focus where it should be.. and wish for the best :) stand strong!
One point that still seems strange to me is when you say that "Forgiveness does not mean liking the person or excusing the offense." To me forgiveness almost does seem to be excusing the offense. I feel like I'd be saying, well, you messed up, but anyone could/would have done the same so it's no big deal. But I don't agree with that.
I like the other descriptions you've given of forgiveness. Maybe "acceptance" is a better concept for me to work toward.
Also, "Forgiveness is making the decision to love regardless." I just don't know. I don't know if I can do that. I've always had a problem with the notion of "unconditional" love. I suppose a parent might have that for a child. But in my mind love really is conditional in most cases. There are horrible things a person could do which can cause you not to love them anymore (over time, probably not immediately). I guess I'll think some more on this. But moving away from hate, even if I don't ever reach love, would probably be a good thing for me. In time.