I reckon I'll throw my two cents in as well.

I was lucky and did not do the long term separation. From the day ex walked out and the divorce was final it was 41 days. Since I was blind sided after a 10 year marriage 41 days of not dating didn't phase me. lol

I can say that, even though it was a short separation, in my heart I was divorced before the court date. It was only about a week before we went to court that I made peace with everything. (not that I still don't have my moments) Kind of like most of us count our wedding date as the date we stood in church, not the date our license was filed with the state. However, don't know that I would want to date a man that was separated.

I'm young as well (29), and most of my friends that are going through a long drawn out divorce do end up dating and everything goes fine.

If I had to guess, without knowing you, I'd have to go with maybe you were coming on too strong. That is something I have experienced lately. Getting a text that says i'm up, i'm eating, i'm going to work, i'm going to lunch, etc. etc., and I barely knew this person. Like I said, that is said without knowing anything.

I hope some of this helps.

Best Wishes

I am not mad and I have moved on from the last relationship. Part of moving on is getting out there, to me. There is no chance that I will get back together with my ex because she is the one who was started this mess and she intends to go through with it. All of our stuff is separated, all of our money and accounting stuff is separated. We are, by all physical means, divorced. We don't even talk anymore.

The paper is a formality. That is all. I feel divorced and that is how it is.

I know that it will take years to get back into a relationship where I will be married and ready to start a family. I just don't want this to occur too late in life.

I am irritated because I can only seem to attract the kind of woman who just wants to go out on a date to get a free meal and hang out. None of them seem to be looking for what I am looking for yet in their profiles they say that they are.

I am thinking about giving up on the whole thing and just forgetting about everything to deal with dating and the like. All I have ever gotten out of relationships is hurt and disappointment anyways. I had gotten my hope up this time with this girl that I had a date with and it was all just a false hope...she didn't want to pursue this any further. If you can't handle that I am separated be honest, upfront, and don't contact me back or let me know that you have a problem with it upfront. I tell everyone that I am separated and heading for divorce and I explain the situation, honestly.

I will put it this way.....The dating world sucks! It is full of broken hopes and rejection. People lead you on, play games, and make things seem like things that they aren't.

I'm not sure that everyone's separation agreement has the same verbage, but mine had a line that specifically said "from THIS point, both parties should act as if unwed". Up to YOU after that IMHO.

Take your time and don't try too hard! Best of luck "out there".

Heave, you have got to hang in there. You are young. You have a lot of time ahead of you. Yes, there are loser girls out there, just as loser guys.
It takes time, it took me a year to find a decent guy and I am still waiting to see how this will turn out. It is very scary and you do have to put yourself out there. I agree with some of the girls out there that if you are just separated, it is a turn off. You always worry about that possibility that you are wasting your time. However, don't give up. There will eventually be one out there that trusts you.

i think you are to *eager*

mike - ya all know (well you hear enough about him)

hes looking to fall in love like that...hes never gonna find the one cause he works so hard at it..

in my own opinion, lots of women go out with a man who is seperated Because the majority Want to party, have a good time, and fun.. and also because they are headed out of a serious relationship the women assume that the men aren't looking for anything more than fun. I feel that women are spooked because you are looking for a serious relationship so soon. Just my 2 cents.

A lot of people comment about it being so soon after my marriage has ended without realizing that my marriage ended about two years ago. I was struggling to try to keep it together and work on it but it failed. I was treated like crap those last few years but I stuck around because I believed in my vows. Now that my wife is filing for divorce it definately over.

Too soon....I don't think so. Three months and two years before that I have been void of having someone care for me and having a real relationship.

I have moved on from that and I am trying to go on with my life.

I don't know what happens on your dates but if a woman or man feels that the other person is way to "needy" or eager for a "relationship" they tend to run the other way.

If you are legally separated, it doesn't mean you are going to really divorce.

Most of us probably feel that it's best that you take time to figure out what happened to make things not work, work on yourself first before just wanting another relationship that will not be any better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's your fault but after a bit of time, you do realize that it took two of you to mess things up. You need to take time to heal and you won't sound so eager to be in a committed relationship right away.

Heave...good for you. You should move on and date. I think some have been too harsh on you. Good luck!!

I agree to the comments posted. You have to be divorced in order for your date to feel safe in going out with you. You are unavailable to them and that is scary. The main thing you have to remember is not to talk about your STBX. It shouldn't even come up in conversation. If they ask...then..you have too. If not, keep it light...keep it fun. Life is too short...stay positive...it will get better.

I had a "date" like that. The woman said that I seemed like a lonely guy and she wasn't interested. I would have to say that I certainly didn't feel lonely but it really boiled down to chemistry I suppose. If I were you, I'd scale down the dates a notch or two. Just go for coffee instead of dinner and agree to keep it to less than an hour. In my case, we had some good conversations and exchanged interesting correspondence but that only opens the door to the relationship and we tend to be different in person.

If you've been separated for over a year, it should be a rather quick process to finalize the divorce and set yourself free. Try to just enjoy dating for the sake of meeting new people instead of placing so much emphasis on your future with every date. I would joke to prospective dates that we would meet at the local coffee shop and if she didn't like what she saw, she could just keep on walking as if she were just passing by (and vice versa). First dates are like reading the back cover a novel before you decide to check it out of the library. You have to read a couple of chapters before you get to the first kiss and a serious relationship is not possible until you're halfway through the book.

Heave, you know you have mentioned that you still want kids and I think women can probably smell that you maybe feel like your biological clock is ticking, are lonely, and perhaps too eager for a serious and committed relationship. Like others have said there's the whole seperated thing and they don't want to just replace the void left by your ex.

I'm probably in the worst position though to be evaluating your situation. I already have two kids and feel I have produced enough offspring to "continue my line" so to speak. I'm not interested in a serious relationship at all, or even dating really. I am going out this weekend on my own, maybe I'll hook up with someone maybe not. I'm just looking to have a good time and enjoy being "on the market" again and flaunting the goods.

I really think you have a lot going for you. I'm imaginnig you are probably in great shape due to your line of work, and it is a career that is respectable and a lot of women admire. Like I said a lot of this is based on assumptions so take it with a grain of salt, but maybe if you stop looking so hard you'll find it's easier to find what you're looking for.

I'm just wondering if this works equally both ways: If a guy was going out with a gal and found out she was separated but not divorced, would that be as big of a turn-off as a guy telling a gal that he was separated but not divorced?

I hate to do this, but this response made something inside of me click "on"...

"I have to add my two cents on this.. while legally separated may not be legally divorced, I have to ask: When you are given your marching orders by your STBX and you are clearly told that there will be no chance of getting back together, just what is a person supposed to do if it takes awhile to get the paperwork settled? Some actions take a year or more depending on the particular situation, while some take a few months for those who are able to get them done quickly. Personally, I'm not convinced that being all alone after the breakup of a marriage or long term relationship is what I would call "healing". I don't think it is anyone's place here to tell someone that they need to be alone and "heal" instead of seeking or receiveing the companionship or affection of someone while they are waiting a state defined end to a relationship when they have been informed that it has long since been over. "

Where...to...begin...

"When you are given your marching orders by your STBX and you are clearly told that there will be no chance of getting back together, just what is a person supposed to do if it takes awhile to get the paperwork settled?"

What do you mean, what is that person supposed to do? I've said it before, just because someone wants the marriage to be over does NOT make it "just a pieces of paper". There's a process to getting married. You can't just wake up one day and decide that, TA-DA, you're married. There are religious and civil aspects to it. It's a series of events that must occur. If your marriage is over just because you decide it's over, then vows truly have no meaning. Which means marriage is meaningless. The more you advocate your independence from your STBX (even during a separation), the harder you argue that vows are meaningless, they are just a formality. Which weakens the case -for- getting married in the first place. If vows are optional and only apply when we feel like they should...that's a very slippery slope.

"Personally, I'm not convinced that being all alone after the breakup of a marriage or long term relationship is what I would call 'healing'."

Being alone in and of itself accomplished nothing. But if you use the time that you are alone to actually look introspectively and work on those parts of your life that were affected by the divorce, as well as those areas that may have contributed to the divorce, then yes, that will lead to healing. But being alone in and of itself accomplished nothing except help you build emotional walls between you and the rest of humanity.

"I don't think it is anyone's place here to tell someone that they need to be alone and "heal" instead of seeking or receiveing (sic) the companionship or affection of someone while they are waiting a state defined end to a relationship when they have been informed that it has long since been over."

That's like patching the road with cheap filler instead of actually repaving it with new asphalt; you are setting up a weak foundation for the next relationship. By not dealing with the junk from your previous relationship, you are ensuring that the same issues will rise up again in time.

Getting into a new relationship is NOT a cure all. It is not the way to go to "move on".

The point that I was trying to make was from a woman's point of view who's dating a man who is seperated. Many cheating men (women too not being stereotypical here) use the line "i'm seperated" to look for relationships outside their marriage. Women are wising up to this line and are more cautious of entering a relationship since they don't want to be the OW. I know that it's not always within your control of when your divorce is finalized, but just chalk up the dating scene and your situation to have lots of fun and enjoy the time as McCaugh said to being "back on the market and showing off the goods".