no one can really tell you

But in my experience...by the time your wife decides to leave you, she does not love you anymore, nor wants to hear how much you love her

Let it go....Greive anddeal with your pain and suffering

get legal counsel and get psychotherapy to support you

I am sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your pain.
In my opinion, you shouldn't, she already checked out and if you are constantly telling her how much you miss and love her she would probably stop talking to you altogether.
Stay strong ....their is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am dealing with a similar situation. My wife basically told me one day that she's been unhappy with the emotional support I've given her over our 13 years of marriage and wants a divorce. I knew she was unhappy with things, but I never thought it would come to divorce. In that sense, I was blindsided.

Since she's been thinking about this for sometime and has made peace with her decision, she doesn't have the emotional turmoil you do right now. She may have had that turmoil weeks or months ago, but she's past it now.

Like yourself, I still have strong feelings for my wife. My wife has been thinking about this for sometime. She's accepted her emotional state and has crossed a line where she has made the decision to divorce. Once women pass that line, they often don't change their mind.

If she's past that point, then you need to determine what kind of future relationship you will have with your soon to be ex-wife. Do you want to close the door and never see her again? Or do you want to try to remain friends and keep her in your life in some context?

My wife and I are trying to build a new relationship as friends. (We have kids so we can't just close the door on each other) I had a conversation with my wife one day. I told her that this is very new to me and I'm still reeling and processing it all. I told her I still love her very much and probably always will at some level. I told her I wanted to reconcile and will always be open to that option, but I have to accept her choice for a divorce. I told her she needs to give me time to come to accept the new situation and to process my emotions. I asked her to give me that time and to recognize that I may have emotional turmoil from time to time.

I don't approach her in a romantic way anymore. I still tell her I love her, but more of the way you would say it to a female friend. We hug. I give her a kiss on the cheek from time to time. I still do nice things for her. I ask her about her day. I do all the things a best friend would do.

However, a word of caution. You may be tempted to tell your new "best friend" things about your emotional state. How your feeling. What's going on in your head. Better to find someone else, like a counselor, to have those conversations with. No matter how civil you try to keep those conversations with your soon to be ex, eventually they will start to think your saying them as a verbal attack against them, even if you don't mean it that way.

One last thing. Someone sent me this quote yesterday and I'll share it with you now.

"The universe has great things planned for you and require you to be stronger than you currently are and you'll only gain that strength if you survive this bullocks."

Hope this helps.

Yeah if you never want to heal and keep yourself in agony.
This has been answered a million times on your long thread.
Keep all convo about kids and divorce only. Telling her you love her and miss her and crying in her arms...ugh. You'll never move on.

What do you think?

The answer is... listen to kbbcoop!

NC to the extent possible. Period. You are only hurting yourself more.

Good luck though. I know the pain is horrible.

Be well.

Many of us have given you the same advice. It is because we know from experience that it is the only way to begin healing and recovery. She has made it clear to you she is not coming back. So YOU have to DECIDE whether you want to wallow in agony forever, or begin healing.

I commented many times on your thread, and you know my story. It was very similar to your own. I hung on way to long trying to reconcile multiple times for over a year after the divorce. All it did was hurt me more and prevent me from healing and moving forward.

You got a brief glimpse of what it could be like to move forward on your recent trip. There are many women more deserving of your love out there, who will love you for you and not mistreat you like you have been, nor keep you jumping through hoops.

I get that you want your family whole. The fact is, you have a new construct, but you will always be a family with your kids. And, their mother will always be their mother. That doesn't mean that the old model of when you were all together at once is the only one that works. Millions of us are families in a new construct.

I know you talk to your therapist, and that;s good, but you somehow have to find the courage and strength to fully detach and let it go. You deserve happiness and a woman worthy of your love, and it is all out there for you.

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished; that will be the beginning.
Louis L'Amour

Thank you all... I was asked what I think...

What I think is that i am still in love with her, and that even though it seems impossible to reconcile, if i was to give it up it then is gauranteed to not be possible. I get that for my own happiness and healing I need to move on, but what if I sitll dont want to move on from her? What if I still want to try to reconcile? Love, Marriage, family requires sacrfices to be made by all, she may not be willing to make any right now, but if I sacrifice happiness and fight for my marriage, weather its a week or years... isn't that what it means to truely love someone? I am giving her what she wants, I am going through with the process of divorce despite me not wanting this at all... Im conflicted with changing who I am.. I am a loving giving person, I love her. I am also torn with my kids... I want them to know that marriage means something, love means something and although they are young and will formulate there own opinions of this... I feel i should choose to love. Show that i miss her, love her, and I dont mean in crying every min i with the kids...but be loving and giving to her even if she may not deserve it.

ESL, I highly recommend that you commit yourself to "The 180". I truly believe this will help you immensely. You can read about it here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

You may also benefit greatly from this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Addiction-Giving-Yourself/dp/0062506048/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1442323326&sr=8-1&keywords=love+addiction

These tools will help you understand yourself and help you be able to apply all the good advice you have been receiving here.

Best wishes. I know how hard it is, but you can do it! ((Man hug))

So you started a new thread and the only response you read was the one asking what do you think..And then you regurgitate the same pitiful story about endless love and blah blah..the reality is she's more than likely banging someone else by now and certainly won't tell you because you're an emotional time bomb. You need to envision her falling asleep in someone else's arms after she just had sex with him because she didn't leave to become a nun. That's the reality. Keep crying over her, I don't think these boards will ever help you, your choice. Good luck and adios.

KBB, I haven't ignored them... What do you want? Praise and applaud for your opinion? You think you have all the answers? everyones story is different, and just because you may be bitter if your wife left to go bang some other guy because you couldn't please her, thats your story, and your pain and your bitterness. I appreciate the responses, I appreciate the opinions and shared stories... I do not need someone like you to put down my feelings and degrade my wife... You dont know her or what she is doing. You dont know her pain or mine, nobody would, we all feel it and act on it differently. So if your only goal is to be nasty and degrading, move on, dont comment....

My marriage lasted 24 years and at least my wife had the decency to split after the kids were grown, not still in diapers and preschool like yours. And I've been able to move on. You have close to 20 years to swap kids with her. That truly sucks. Good luck.

ESL, that was out of line. We all care about you and have been distressed by your pain through close to 1,000 posts. Some of us are frustrated that you choose to continue to suffer with no end in site. On other boards, they would say you need the "2 x 4."

The fact is nothing will change for you unless you change. The "180" article I posted for you helps you do that, and may even make you desirable to your wife again, or maybe it will show you new strength and you won't even want that. Whatever the case, clearly what you are doing over and over and over again is not getting you the results you want.

So, we are frustrated. Coop's deciding to opt out of more advice that isn't helpful to you, and letting you know the probable reality. It may not be the case, but most often is.

Please don't insult him or those trying to help you.

I'm done too. Good luck.

Lost, no disrepect to you at all, and none to the countless others that have responded and shown support and guidence... Its not ignored, I have had times and strenght and times of not.. This site is supposed to comforting and supporting. KBB's comments are derogatory, degrading to me and my wife regardless of what she is doing. you want to tell me she is sleeping with someone else, choose softerwords.. I will not stand for it.... If you can't show empathy, compasion and kind words to get your point accross, dont bother trying.

ESL12 whether you like it or not, your marriage is over. Now you have to decide if you want to accept that or not. I was just like you for a couple of months. Convinced that I could win her back if I gave her space and showed/told her how much I love her. But understand this, she has moved on. She has detached from you. She has mourned the loss of your marriage. Somehow they can do that while still married to you. Acting like the marriage is fine as they plan to exit. She has made her decision. We are giving you advice from our experiences. And if you notice, they all have the same outcome. The wife is done. We are trying to move on and put our lives back together. Did I want this? No way! But I can either hold on to false hope or begin the process of healing. And you can't do that until you realize she is done. And from all you have posted, she is. To answer your question, you can continue to express your love. But it's not swaying her at all. Doesn't matter one bit to her. You will NOT win her back by doing it. Your decision. In the end, you are just prolonging your grief. Best of luck!