First off - i am very sorry to hear that you have been violated. I ve been there and it is a tough thing to go through alone and so young.

Now your husband... i don't know what kind of a person he is and let's pretend he is so profoundly affected by it that he can't handle it because he is overwhelmed with sadness and pain. The first thing he should be doing is dealing with it for some time and then immediately wanting to know how YOU are feeling.

His behavior to me looks either psychotic OR he is lying. Would YOU abandon your spouse if he told you something so devastating , especially if it wasn't your fault ???
It is like you are violated second time around! Remember that feeling of being betrayed when it happened ? Like life betrayed you and this happened to you for no good reason?
This is like that betrayal all over again.

For the sake of the children I hope you two can reconcile and make this work, but now that certain things are coming out in the open, is your husband really the person you thought he is?
If my guy rejected me like this, it would be over in my mind.
I dated lots of men, I have been married twice. I told my partners that I have been assaulted a few times and raped, because I wanted them to be a little more careful when trying new things with me.
Not one person had reacted the way your husband did to you.
If anything, it was nothing but compassion, empathy and wanting to protect me and make me feel good.
What do you think about all this?
Could your husband be using this as an excuse to quit the marriage ?
Hugs.

I am sorta speechless as to his actions. Maybe he will come around and is just taking the info in. I myself would not want to be with someone who reacted this way to such a traumatic event.

Yes I believe that this is an out for me or at least that's how I am feeling.. I am trying to be patient and give him some space. We do not have children.. we have dogs that are like children.

I opted to take a chance and be completely vulnerable in telling him.. I don't experience any physical trauma or flashbacks and have worked through some of those hang ups with physical intimacy but am quite reserved in giving a lot of affection. Some of that may be part of my innate personality and some may be related to how I learned to cope with the experience after it happened.

I am regretting my decision to have ever shared this with him and am feeling as though my biggest fear in sharing it has been realized. I have explained to him that I understand that my emotional shut down have been a part of the problem, genuinely understanding that they have.

I am feeling so lost and truly bruised right now. It has been a week since I told him and it has been the most difficult week I can remember experiencing.

I love my husband but I can not work at a marriage with someone who does not ultimately want that .

Sorry I meant out for him... not me

You deserve to be taken care of, listened too, and protected,not treated like you did something wrong... I'm sorry that you're going through this, your husband is an ass, and needs to be kicked to the curb!!!

Thank you all for your kind words. I really am trying to view this from his perspective. It is so hard to
Not feel completely betrayed with this however.. it's like a punch in the gut only I think that might hurt less and subside quicker.

What about ypur perspective? A spouse you should be able to tell this too and they should be supportive for what you went through. I wouldn't be able to be with anyone like this and mkne was no sait but Jeeze.

aside from this, how has his attitude been within the relationship?

Generally speaking he has always been a caring individual. He has a compassionate heart. We have had our fights and a couple of them have been yelling and screaming matches.... Never physical. My tendency has always been to just shut down with him and never confront frustrations or problems that arise as when I have it has usually been met with him becoming nasty and never accepting any responsibility or understanding as to how he contributed to a problem and leaving me feeling like I am the problem. A couple of months ago I finally confronted an issue of him having what seem to me to be very intimate and personal relationships with girls /women that I have never met and even some that he has met online. He became very defensive and told me that because I am cold and not affectionate that I push him to it. I began doing quite a bit of self reflection after hearing this and understand that my own fears of emotional intimacy (which I believe stem from me coping with my earlier life experience on my own and never talking about it) contribute to me shutting down and not communicating.

is it possible there are matters for you each to tend to? can you work through them together? Likely something which you should likely want to address whether alone or together. It also sounds as though there could be work on effective communication for the two of you to relate effectively and not let matters blossom into something bigger. as for him being standoffish regarding what you shared, i can only imagine there's more to the story?

when the distancer-pursuer mindset is prolonged or the pursuer doesn't pursue the distancer there is cause for action. in any relationship there is a shift back and forth in this balance. however once one does one for a prolonged period and the other doesn't follow, deep resent can set in

Well sure there is more... We have a very unhealthy pattern of communication - most definitely. I know there is work for me to do and am fully willing to work on it and to establish better communication... I think there is just this feeling of abandonment in hearing that he isn't sure he can get past my very personal experience and feeling as though he may not be willing to do "marriage" with me. I have never had any insight to this relstional dynamic but after reading a bit about it, I won't deny that it could be a component of what is taking place for us.

>>We do not have children

Glad that (huge) complication is not so. I think ... based on what you have posted ... any man who fails to see that she was a victim as you were, is shallow and uh .... well .... kinda stupid.

His reaction is very strange
I could understand him "treading gingerly" so as not to ??? I don't know , trigger things for you
But
His reaction seems to be all about him

I'm in my 50's, my girlfriend whom I've been with about a year has shared her abuse & assault with me, it made things awkward for me , because I didn't want to "do anything " that would make her feel dirty MAYBE
He has some of that inside and feels conflicted as perhaps he feels like maybe you did that bye in the bedroom to make him happy that made you feel bad inside
If that is so , he is a good guy that has to work that out
I hope the best / the right thing works out for you

After you provided more information, I feel more and more that he is looking for a way out.
I m so sorry

Thank you for that perspective.. in a calm conversation at one point he was able to say he doesn't know if he can mentally get past what I had told him had happened. I was probably a little more descriptive than I should have been. I will acknowledge that.. he mentioned being afraid that he will not be able to get past the imagery when we are physically intimate.. I attempted to assure him that I enjoy the physical part of our relationship and that is satisfying for me as I have in fact put a lot of closure on some of this demon foe myself.. he again brought up my lack of affection for him at times relating that he has been thinking the whole time that he is doing something wrong or that I am not attracted to him. And has felt hurt by that. I have tried to relate that for me the damage has been to emotional intimacy and my inability to feel emotionally connected which lseemingly stifles my physical attention with him especially when I am hearing that I am pushing him to be emotionally comforted by other women. It's such a vicious cycle that I desperately want to end and know that I have to be willing to change my responses to him but I am struggling with hearing that he isn't sure he is capable of working at this with me.. I am left feeling and believing that that he is saying "hey, love ya, but not quite that much now that you've told me someone victimized you". I'm sure I have this twisted in my mind... I am just all over the map with thoughts feelings emotions and behavior right now.