Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
If you're read my prior posts, you know I'm early in the divorce process. My wife (19 yrs!) emotionally checked out and has been passive-aggressively treating me pretty poorly for a while now (I now see).
Over the last week I have noticed a disturbing pattern. When I leave the house in the evening (which I am trying to do for my own sanity), she gets together with a male neighbor (also married, wife travels a lot), our daughter in tow. They go for walks, hang out, etc. It's always when I'm gone. I only know about this because my daughter can't keep secrets. Last night I was out and he came over to watch a movie with them. My wife has my daughter lying to me about this!
So I'm pretty sure there is cheating or at least the beginnings of cheating going on. I told an old friend about this and his wife called me an hour later and confessed that my wife told her OVER A YEAR AGO that she was cheating on me with someone at work. And she seemed proud of it.
And the last 1-2 years all come crashing into perspective. And all the times that she treated me poorly while she was out cheating on me, just wow. And how vehement and angry she was in marriage counseling when I suggested she might be cheating! That moral high ground!
What a shitty, disgusting person she is. I am reeling.
I texted her to tell her what a POS I think she is, that I'm sad that my child has her for a mother, and that she will never again have an ounce of my respect. It's not just the cheating. It's all the ways she glibly lied about it, did little things to hurt me along the way (the passive-aggressive stuff). The torture of marriage counseling when she was checked out already. All of it. So not only is she a liar and a cheat, she is mean-spirited and vindictive too.
And somehow we are supposed to go through a mediated divorce now? And somehow in two days we are telling my daughter about the divorce and I have to pretend my wife isn't a POS in front of her? And somehow I have to live here for almost two more months until my new place is vacant?
This is just too hard.
Over the last week I have noticed a disturbing pattern. When I leave the house in the evening (which I am trying to do for my own sanity), she gets together with a male neighbor (also married, wife travels a lot), our daughter in tow. They go for walks, hang out, etc. It's always when I'm gone. I only know about this because my daughter can't keep secrets. Last night I was out and he came over to watch a movie with them. My wife has my daughter lying to me about this!
So I'm pretty sure there is cheating or at least the beginnings of cheating going on. I told an old friend about this and his wife called me an hour later and confessed that my wife told her OVER A YEAR AGO that she was cheating on me with someone at work. And she seemed proud of it.
And the last 1-2 years all come crashing into perspective. And all the times that she treated me poorly while she was out cheating on me, just wow. And how vehement and angry she was in marriage counseling when I suggested she might be cheating! That moral high ground!
What a shitty, disgusting person she is. I am reeling.
I texted her to tell her what a POS I think she is, that I'm sad that my child has her for a mother, and that she will never again have an ounce of my respect. It's not just the cheating. It's all the ways she glibly lied about it, did little things to hurt me along the way (the passive-aggressive stuff). The torture of marriage counseling when she was checked out already. All of it. So not only is she a liar and a cheat, she is mean-spirited and vindictive too.
And somehow we are supposed to go through a mediated divorce now? And somehow in two days we are telling my daughter about the divorce and I have to pretend my wife isn't a POS in front of her? And somehow I have to live here for almost two more months until my new place is vacant?
This is just too hard.
We told my daughter. I took the high road. I will probably never compliment my stbx in front of my daughter aside from something like "mommy loves you and so do I". And somewhere down the road I *might* divulge the truth. I will make that decision a long time from now.
But I do want to avoid lying. So it she asks me a very detailed question I may deflect it or just say that it is complicated and we will have to talk about it when she gets older.
During all this time she has been using me - I do the majority of the work with our daughter and around the house, while also working full time from home. How nice for her to have me handling everything at home while she is out destroying our marriage.
Right now she doesn't know what I know. One friend gave me the VERY good advice to not let her know! She knows I found "something" out and called her a POS. At first I think she just thought it was about the recent neighbor walks/hangouts (see my original post). She sent me a long email about how they were just friends and blah, blah, she is NOT cheating with him, etc. It may even be true, even though it is completely inappropriate (she told me he is getting divorced too!).
Then two nights ago she comes into my office and tells me: "I remember when we started dating and you were so angry about how your ex-girlfriend had cheated on you. I would never do that to you." The unmitigated gall of this creature!! I just said "you're full of shit; I have nothing to say to you; go away."
By the way, I have not and will not send any other texts/emails to her about what I truly think of her. Only verbally, and generally only in response to her initiating conversation with me for some reason (I don't talk to her unless it is necessary). I think the fact that she doesn't know what I know is eating her up inside. It's a small bit of solace in this pile of crap situation.
I don't know if she's worried about having a less favorable divorce settlement, or just about word getting out to family/friends. Well rest assured that anyone (adult) who asks me what happened is going to hear the word "cheating" in response.
WOW well done! My ex wife cheated too, it's such a deal breaker. I would rather live alone (which I do live with my daughter) than have a "relationship" with a cheater. They're scum.
She doesn't need to know what you know. You know, thats that. Giving her any information will only aid her cause, not yours.
I also wanted to add that there may never be a time where you should tell your kid, regardless of the age what their mom was truly like. That may be best coming from her or if they find out by someone elses mouth. But as a father, there is a certain level of integrity that you can have and show them in continuing to always take the high road in order to protect them, not yourself or your stbx.
Its all about how you handle yourself in all situations, that builds your character.
is that really "sensitive" or is it better to explain why the swastika is "frowned" upon because of what it represents
of course, it is best to not say what happened so that everyone will feel better, sad that well intended adults are so naive
That being said, we are talking about a really sensitive 8-year-old kid who has some (minor) issues already to deal with, loves both her parents, and now has to deal with her world being torn apart - from her home, to her parents, her pets, her belongings - everything.
I can't expose this betrayal to her at this point. As much as I want my stbx to suffer greatly for her callous disregard for me over a long period of time, I don't want my daughter to suffer. And she will be with the bitch 50% of the time. Others have also mentioned some VERY practical reasons to say nothing right now:
- This could be used against me in court! Divorce proceedings are still early in the process.
- This could cause her (daughter) to turn against ME, especially if she believes my stbx over me. And she (stbx) is an expert liar!
Right now, hurting my stbx as she deserves is not worth the possibility of hurting my daughter. When she's old enough to handle the truth - and if she asks and I deem it appropriate - I may tell her. On the other hand, I may never have to. If my stbx cycles through a bunch of men over the next few years it will leave an impression on my daughter. When she becomes 14, or 17, or 20, she may very well put it all together on her own.
For now the high road is the right approach - I am convinced.
have you ever considered that by suppressing the truth, you give the truth too much power. it is so awful that the kids need to be protected from it implies that it is unforgivable, why would you out that into play.
truth comes out, why have the kid(s) "heal" from the death of their family, then have to deal with the awful truth later?
one does not have to call mommy a whore or daddy a scumbag.
mommy / daddy has found someone that they prefer to be with.
would you lie to your kids and say that you wanted divorce?
do you believe such a lie protects them?
my point is along the lines of #31, the last paragraph; there is a degree of risk in deflecting until later in that all kids have a pretty good bullshit detector, now when their world is crumbling, being fed a line of BS is not what they need
You have a point here. Also, giving a vague answer might just have my daughter guessing, and reversing the roles (hmm, it seems like dad decided to leave mom).
Right now she is young enough that she probably doesn't really understand the cheating thing. My stbx told her that we have grown apart and we don't really get along anymore. I think that explanation suffices for now, much as I wish I could excoriate her in front of my daughter.
When stbx shows up with the new boyfriend, which I imagine will be on the sooner side, then it will be on her to explain what that all means.
There is probably even an age appropriate book you can get for you daughter about divorce and read it with her. They have books for everything now a days...