How long has the affair been going on? Is it someone that you know? What does he have to say for himself?

I have been cheated on before. It's the worst feeling in the world. It makes you doubt your self worth. You have to remind yourself that he is the one who has done something wrong. Even if there are real issues in your marriage he should have come to you to fix them or he should have gotten out of the marriage before he saw someone else. That shows me that he has a lack of integrity.

That being said, cheating is such a common thing these days. I believe that you can work through it and forgive him in time if you feel he is truly sorry for what he has done and will never do it again. People stay in marriages for different reasons. I don't know how long you've been with him or what your exact situation is but my advice is to let the emotional trauma subside before you make any decisions.

Thank you for responding. I feel wretched. We have been married over 25 years. The affair has been going on for a few months but he started a friendship with her 2 years ago. I knew he was friends with her and her family but I have never met them. When I found out he said sorry and that he still loved me, but has feelings for her, and agreed to come to counselling with me. So this past week I have been trying to come to terms with this bombshell

You are doing amazingly well if you refer to it as "trying to come to terms." If it were me saying that, I would be 1) ignoring the trauma in hopes it will fade if I didn't acknowledge it OR 2) numb from the shock and the agony is approaching in the days ahead OR 3) superhuman. I pray you are #3 because I am far from it.

You have my deepest sympathy. I'll pray for you.

That is so kind. Maybe coming to terms was the wrong thing to say. I cant eat if sleep. I go from sobbing uncontrollably to being so angry but I read that this is all normal and I have been hanging onto the fact that my husband has told me that he loves me and will not contact her, However today she texted him asking if it is really over and that she loves him and wants him to be happy.. She is also married and has a child. He now tells me that he loves her as well. I told him he needed to text her back and tell her that it is over and that he wants to make his marriage work. I knew he didnt want to but eventually he did. But just when you think you cant hurt anymore something happens to increase the pain. He read his text to me which said it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do breaking up with her, that he loves her and doesnt want her family to suffer like we are. Then he said he was going to sleep in the spare room. So now I feel even more wretched and as if I am the bad one. He broke his marriage vows and now knowing that he loves her (as opposed to just having feelings) has broken me

That is so disrespectful, telling you "it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do breaking up with her". Is he blaming you now for something? He's the one who made this mess. He should not tell you he loves her. That is disrespectful of you and your marriage vows. I bet he just wants what he can't have. I would advise keeping a close eye on the itemized cell phone bill from now on, and make sure he stays away from her. Do not let him shift the blame onto you.

He's not going to stop. And do you really want to be the marriage police, checking phone records etc??? He's already committed the ultimate betrayal. My wife did the same after 24 years. It's an unacceptable action. Believe me you'll be fine without him, in fact you'll be better. Screw that. And now the blameshifting..making YOU feel bad for his shitty cheating behavior. Typical, right out of the cheater manual. Dump him.

Well my first husband had an affair on me, that was back in the mid 90's. I was devastated at the time, read a lot about it and tried so hard to figure it out. We tried counselling and it helped a bit and we continued on for a few more years. He went back to having affairs and I finally left. I am glad I tried and I am also happy today I left. Some relationships do work out if there is regret and remorse on their part. I know it is hard, time will heal though

Unfortunately I dont have access to his phone or bill. I still love him but to hear that and see him crying as he was reading has crushed me. I asked him to be honest I guess. Do you think you can really love two people at the same time? I wonder now if she suggested leaving her husband whether he would leave me. Originally he told me she loved her husband but Im not so sure now.

So him loving 2 people at the same time is acceptable to you?
No. Noooooo!!!! Don't let him get away with that!!

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! The cheating itself is horrible, but watching him get emotional over having to end his affair and hearing him say that he loves her must be almost unbearable.

Given what you witnessed, I would be especially concerned about her. How likely is it that she will just disappear after he told her he loves her, he is sleeping in the spare bedroom and he doesn't want to hurt her family? What if she replies that she wants to end her marriage to be with him? What if she goes to his work place to talk to him? If she loves him do you think she will back off so easily?

Have you considered hiring a PI? It might be worth it to help ease some of your angst and gather concrete information so you know for certain whether or not he is with her and you can determine which course of action is best for you. Otherwise it is going to be really difficult for you to know if he is where he says he is, if he has gotten a second phone for contacting her, etc?

It will be especially challenging to get things back on course if he feels like he is being interrogated. Hiring a PI would enable you to discretely know if his words and actions are consistent and protect you from being hurt even further.

Thank you for your support. Her family live an hour and a half away and she cant drive, plus she has an 8 year old child so I dont think she will turn up. But it does worry me that she will leave her husband, apparently she earns way more than he does so finances dont have to keep her there. Not sure I can afford a PI. It mkes me wonder too now if the reason he asked for space was so that he could go and see her. He seems to have disregarded everyone connected with us. Nobody else knows at the moment but it is getting harder to hide. We have a 26 year old son living with us and he must realise there is something wrong. Plus we have mine and his family living closeby. They will all be devastated if he moves out. There are so many people that will hurt in addition to me but he doesn't seem capable of thinking about anyone but himself and her. He even told me that her child texted him yesterday to say she's missing him!!! This whole situation beggars belief

I dont want anyone else to know as it will hurt them plus I feel humiliated and worthless enough. Goodness knows what her husband is thinking. I am so tempted sometimes to contact him (I have his work email address) but they have no way of contacting me.

Wow, first of all you need to see a therapist for yourself. You are going through some major RAW trauma right now and you need to take care of yourself. Second. You dont need a PI these days. There are plenty of accountability software programs out in the market. They can track every letter typed on a device and send the information straight to your email. With you as the only password holder it will be easy to track his cell phone actions once installed. But idk if you need his permission to install it onto his devices. If hes serious about staying with you this is a simple deman you can make to rebuild the shattered trust he has caused. 3rd. I strongly believe her husband needs to know the extent of the affair. Idk how you found out, but think of the months you were left in the dark while all of that was going on. Arent you glad you found out? Doesnt he deserve to know too? Now, personally, if i were you i would move out. And TELL EVERYONE. i understand why youre embarrassed but you are not the one that did anything wrong. You deserve better than to be put into a position begging him to love you and stay with you. HE SHOULD BE THE ONE BEGGING YOU TO STAY. make him realize the true extent of what hes done. Make him feel shame for what hes done. Make him beg YOU to return. By keeping his secret and staying by his side you are giving him power and making him think that what hes done isnt so bad. Yes, it is a forgivable offense. Many, but its still one where HE should feel remorse and he should lead the rebuilding trust proccess. If he doesnt, you will have your answer as to who he would rather be with and may save yourself years worth of agony.

I have been googling various Spyware but he never lets his phone out of his sight and I dont know the password. He did want to move out for a while to give us time to think (like Ive done nothing else) so he was prepared for other people to know. It was me that persuaded him to stay as I think it will be easier to reconcile without every one knowing and Im wanting to protect our son. I realise I am losing every ounce of self respect in the process. In my opinion it should be My Heartbreak, My Rules. We have our first counselling session tomorrow so Ive been holding out for that in the hope it will give us some direction. However, after what he told me last night Im not so sure. The only thing I do know is that I am not moving out. He can

Well, if he wont let you see whats on his phone thats a tale tale sign hes hiding something ...obviously the affair. Since its out in the open and "over" he shouldnt have an issue letting you confirm it. Like i said, the accountability software could be seen as a way for him to prove hes with you 100% and a way to start rebuilding the trust in your relationship, which will be a VERY long proccess, if hes serious about it being over with the OW. If he wont let you install it you should see it as a sign hes still hiding something... bring it up in counceling. The therapist should back you up on this issue. You need to feel safe with this man if your marriage is going to survive and that software can give you a piece of that sense of safty you will desperatly need as you work towards forgiving him.