Thank you all for sharing your experiences, advice, and intellect. I am now thinking that I might have a chance to save our marriage. I'm going to try some lifestyle changes, to show her I'm serious. I'm about 20 lbs overweight, and can fix that real quick. I'm going to the gym to work on my "guns" yea I still have them from my job.... My abs can't be helped because of many surgeries, but I can do better. Wether or not it changes her decision.... It will make me feel better about myself! I'm hoping I"m not sounding too much like a desperate fool, but it needs to be done, regardless of who it's for.

if you can save it then yes try! And going to the gym did wonders for my well being after my wife left, it releases endorphins and helps emotionally. Keep us posted, I sent you a friend request if you want to message me. Good luck, im rooting for you! Just protect yourself and dont get buried in false hope, but if shes not totally checked out I do believe you may have a chance.

Most of us on here would not suggest leaving your
Marriage until all options have been tried. Just Watch
yourself and your back while being vulnerable. It takes
Two not one to make it work.

Its a very hard time while you Are still attached to her
to see with any clarity. It took me 18 months post divorce
and going no contact to detach from my ex and i am not
to a place Of indifference yet. I am at the love/hate stage
Which is an unpleasant stage to be at. There are still strong
Emotions and feelings to process like betrayal, HUGS

Great points Mirandac..took me close to 2 years also to detach and see with clarity what I was agonizing over..which was basically a big lie. Once you detach it's amazing what you see

Thanks KB, thats sort of where i am at abuse
And betrayal. Is he is a narc or just with traits?

He is definetely a dry drunk no question there.
He does attend AA a little too late for us so he
does admit that much.

My ex and i both come from the same type of
homes and abusive mothers. We are not all that
much different except he became abusive and i
Think he created a false self as a child to protect
Himself.

Forgiveness is really where its at and truly letting
go and letting God. My heart is not where my head
Is though so i struggle with cognitive dissonance.

I do not like having abuse and betrayal thoughts about
my Ex still. It still goes against everything i believed in
And its not an easy journey, HUGS

If I were you, I would not be so quick to believe that there is nobody else.

And why do you have to move out?

She wants the divorce, let her go.

Hire a lawyer, even for a consult.

My gut tells me that something has triggered this.

@jimthzz after 42 years, and 37 of them married I am not yet at a point to know there is someone, I am soul searching myself. We lost real communication years ago, but that can be restored, she told me that she cant watch me lay on the couch and wait for me to die. I can fix that! She is at that "turning 60" place in her life, and it caused her to re evaluate where she is, and where shes going. I am making my effort to try to change the image she has of me, to try to save the 40 year investment. I I get burned? L'll feel better about myself regardless.... Not like it was all for not.

Don't fool yourself into believing that real communications can be restored easily - old patterns are nearly impossible to break without therapy/counseling. If both of you REALLY try, there's a chance. My ex said he was trying but he missed appointments, didn't do any of the homework with me, and the counselor had to stop him to say "hey, listen to what she's saying, it's important" He never got it, he never wanted to get it If you wife won't even go to counseling, you could probably learn to do handstands and she wouldn't notice. She sounds set in her mind and determined.

Myself, I was at a turning point in my life too, not age related specifically, but none-the-less at the precipice of a life changing event. I realized I couldn't spend the rest of my life with this man, who I did not believe loved me, and who I had lost trust in initially, then respect, then finally love.

Sometimes we hold on when we should let go. Don't know if this applies to you. Keep up with the soul searching.

@jojored This sounds like the same pattern my wife has gone through, I dunno about the "trust" part but did feel the loss of respect going back 7 to 10 yrs ago. Most part of our marriage we were able to communicate on an emotional level. We followed the "never go to bed angry" rule but then in 2010 I had a heart attack. I was hospitalized for 10 days, and the day the dr released me, she was miles away at trade show. I had to wait 5 hrs for her. I considered calling a cab, but had no clothes. After this event I had problems with intimacy (ED), that lasted for 2 years. After I thought things improved in the bedroom, she started giving me "the cold shoulder", Then with my daughter and new grandson moving in... Intimacy went to zero. The only time (Maybe 3-5 times a year) we had sex would be in hotels while on vacation, or weekend getaways. I asked her many times during this period if she still loved me, she would never just say yes but something like "I'm here aren't I" Feels like when we stopped communacating, the love was lost. If you could compare this to your experience jored and maybe enlighten me on what went wrong?

Why do woman make up stuff, is it just to reinforce their argument? Or justify to themselves.

This morning she was so receptive and even gave me a hug. Then after spending hours alone in her room.,,, Right back where we started.... How can we have no contact, living in the same house?

First, contact a lawyer and see what the best thing to do would be.
I think she may need some time alone. Ask her what she would like to see happen as far as giving her space . She is angry about something and it won't be a quick fix.
You may have to break free from each other to re-establish your friendship because it is now not there.
If you can, tell her that you recognize that she is hurt and upset.
I don't think she is thinking clearly right now because she is very emotional

Well, I don't know if there are similarities as to why I lost trust/respect/love for my ex and what you're going through, but here's my story. My ex has been passive aggressive for his entire life, he never learned to process anger and negative emotions in a healthy way. Basically, he represses his feelings, stuffs them away, and never deals with them in a forthright manner. When you do this, the anger just manifests itself in other ways, in his case by avoidance of issues, stonewalling, shutting down, procrastination, purposeful forgetfulness, a host of really childish behaviors, etc. It wasn't like he did stuff like this sometimes when he was super stressed, this was his normal way of behaving. As a result, he would never do what he said he would do, and I mean never. I couldn't trust that when he said he'd take care of something, that it would be done. Big things, small things, everything. After we had kids, I had a harder time handling his behaviors, because I was so busy. He did his thing, I took care of the kids, house, bills, yard, repairs (yup, he was lazy) and worked part time. I point blank told him I was unhappy, told him what I needed from him. He listened and said nothing, did nothing. No amount of prodding, being sympathetic, pleading got him to open up to me or for him to acknowledge me. It got to the point where I just never asked for anything from him, and I was a low maintenance wife to start with. We were never a team, I always did absolutely everything in the relationship, from the practical to the emotional. I'd had enough about when my youngest was in 4th grade, but told myself I could hold on till he was out of high school. I didn't make it, he was in 11th grade when I filed last year. After not trusting someone for so long, you lose respect for them, and eventually love. It was a long, slow, painful decline. I didn't understand what was going on with our marriage until 2 years ago, thanks to the marriage counselor. I learned a lot about passive aggressiveness, and my part in enabling him to continue his behaviors. I never set boundaries, sure I spoke up, but I just let him do his thing. I should have given him consequences for his continued behaviors, but I didn't know any better. I didn't know that I could stand up for myself. Sounds pretty pathetic, but that's it.

As to how you can have no contact while in the same house - I guess for me it was easier than for others, as my ex basically ignored me anyway. I'd been sleeping in the office for years, the only difference once I filed was that I was now totally avoiding him, because he was denying the whole divorce thing. It felt pretty juvenile doing it, but at that point I was in self-preservation mode. He dragged the divorce out, told me he would not do a thing to move it along, and for once he kept his word. It took a year and cost me $40,000. Yup, hard to love that kind of a guy.

I didn't realize till about 2 years ago that the behaviors I'd been dealing with were called passive aggressive behaviors. I just knew I felt alone, like crap, and that my very presence was insignificant to him. They only time he acted like we were married were the few times we went out as a couple, which we ONLY did with other couples. We never had time alone, never.

@Aronia We had the talk with her yesterday about one of us leaving, she sobbed when she told me she has no where to go. I have a widowed friend at work that offered me a room as he is alone, and she replied that I shouldn't have to do that? She said she wants divorce so she can live alone, but I guess not yet? Each day I'm getting different signals from her, this morning she told me she still has feelings for me and we hugged. Yesterday she was vicious toward me.... Could she be having some hormonal or mental issue? She is a denier, and holds her emotions in normally. I'm becoming concerned about this

I'm concerned because her mother did suicide early in our marriage, Our son was just born, and it took years of tip toeing around my wife for things to get better. She brought up her mother this morning. She has always been the type of person that when she is hurting, she rejects physical comforting (hugging). She says it makes her feel worse?