Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My wife is (was) my life, my everything, my reason for living. I put her through some bs during our marriage, as I lost my brother and both parents all during a 5 yr period starting in 2002. I did'nt cope with these loses very maturly, drinking and and tranquilizers. In 2007 I finally got my act together, and we re bonded our relationship. Things were going good, life was good, and we went on some romantic vacations, spent lots of quality time together. In 2014 our 26 yo daughter (who had a history with addiction) became pregnant and wanted to have the child. My wife invited her to live with us as she was basically homeless at the time, and I agreed with it. She and my grandson are still living here, and daughter has been sober ever since yeaa. This is a short history leading up July 4th weekend: I'm 63 yrs old and my wife is 59. We've been married for 37 years. It hasn't been a perfect marriage, however fidelity has not been an issue (that I know of?). Monday morning July 2 my wife went on her daily walk around 9:00 am. Her walks last between 30 and 45 min. normally. At 10:15 I started getting concerned and drove around the block. I found her talking on her phone sitting on the curb about 3 houses from home. I waved and went back home. We met in the garage as we returned at the same time (min or 2 later). I had no time to speak as she went off on me being jealous and paranoid! She has been very short with me over the last year or so. Acts like she can't hear me. And on the rare ocaisions I try being touching with her I get an elbow and derogitory remark. To continue; We went into the house and I calmly asked her what she is so upset about... Then she went off on a long "blanket list" of everything I've done wrong in the last 37 years! With a few add in's I had no idea about! She said she was afraid of me? I never ever touched her in anger. I tried to dig a little as to why she brings all this up now? and why she has been so short with me over the last year? She proceeded to tell me that she doesn't care anymore, and she doesn't love me! I lost my breath! I worship this woman, it was the most hurtfull thing she could say to me! My daughter and grandson came home then. So we picked up the talk a few hrs later. I first went to her while standing, put my hands on her shoulders, and ask her if she loved me, or if they were words of anger? She merely said she feels nothing and started to choke up, which in turn made me choke up. I tried to tell her how devistating this was to me, and she got angry again and blaming me for ancient history again. I asked her whats really going on here? This all makes no sense? Is there someone else? She said no, she would divorce me before she did that. The following morning she said she wanted to divorce me. I tried to talk her into seeking a marriage coach, and she refuses. I tried to get her to tell me what I had done to cause this, and goes back to ancient history. I am very confused, concerned, and devastated. I don't know what to do... Help!
I do hear on this board many people who learn about their spouses infidelity after the marriage is over. If she hasn't physically cheated, it may be a case of emotional adultery. That's infidelity in my book.
You do deserve to know the core issues you wife is having. You deserve it, but you may never get that knowledge. Do you think you can try again to find out what is going on with her? Ask her point blank why she hasn't brought up her unhappiness to you earlier. Perhaps she left "hints" that you didn't recognize. If that's the case, that's her bad for not being direct. Spouses aren't supposed to guess as to what's in the other's head. I would point blank ask that question, also ask her whether there's someone else she's emotionally bonded with. My marriage counselor suggested that we meet somewhere outside the house, a neutral place, to discuss the state of our marriage. You can try that, you won't have to worry about your daughter or grandchild. Try a park if you can walk to one from your home, or take two cars and meet somewhere. The last thing you want to do is feel imprisoned, with one wanting to leave and the other being stuck.
Yes, protect yourself financially. Why would you be the one to leave the house? This is a time where being around family and friends is important, do you think being with your daughter and grandchild will help you stay sane and feel less lonely? If she wants the divorce, perhaps she's willing to leave. I filed for divorce after facing my own brick-wall-husband for years. I wasn't going to leave because he had spent all of our money on building his "dream house" which was still sitting vacant, so he could have gone there, but unfortunately he wasn't going to move out either, so we stuck it out for a year in the same house. The worst year of my life, but it's two months in the past now and I haven't felt so free. It was no picnic for our sons either, that year of the divorce.
People will Interview a few before choosing or not
Choosing them. Have A list of questions to ask.
Every state is a little Different with their rules and
regs. Your state might be no fault many Are now
and get a 50-50 split After a long term marriage.
Maybe Some alimony. Look online too most states
List their divorce information.
A Divorce/mediator lawyer combo, single lawyer, 2
lawyers, A Do it yourself divorce. Depends what you
have to Protect and how bad it has become. Mediators
can Work if both people are willing to be civil and honest.
We lasted 5 minutes in the same room then the mediator
Went back and forth. Nothing got resolved and it was His
idea. He wanted me out of the house and into an apt.
It was highly contenious with the GF in the picture
And we had no children. We had no easy way to split
Things up without selling and his business was on the
Property so it got real intense. We did okay until the
Financials started then the gloves really came off.
He was at his mothers and his GF's. We could not have
lived Together some do because of the financials even
With an affair partner in the picture. HUGS
Make certain you line up health insurance for yourself right away. That will be a huge on-going expense, especially if you have health issues. You can maintain COBRA insurance for yourself via your wife's policy for 3 years (assuming that's how you have coverage now) but it's expensive. The open market is more expensive, I've found. You may need a different job which offers health insurance. Don't go without!
Have you considered where you will live? Can you afford a smaller home, a condo, or a rental?
Don't rush into things before considering all of the practical changes that this divorce will cause. She's been thinking about this for a long time, she will likely do what will benefit her most, with you getting blind-sided. Take the time you need!!!!!!
Visit or call your son, things don't come across text/email so well, and it can be one-sided. Don't let him get alienated from you.
Much as possible.
Leave the children out of it and try not to discuss
It or have them take sides. Act as mature and adult
as humanly possible Its hard right now i know.
Tell your children you love them and will always be
There for them. Age really doesn't matter IMO. It Hurts
Everyone and the family unit gets fractured and emotions
And feelings are running crazy and rampart right now.
There are many issues to consider like health insurance,
Retirement accounts. You need to plan for your future too,
My lawyer was good about reminding me of that fact. HUGS
On here. Its pain filled to watch because most
Of us know the outcome. Once they are done
And checked out of the marriage its over but
The financials.
I thought we had enough love left, he hated me
Instead And had massive resentments underneath
it all.
There was no going back to the good old days When
there was lots of love and emotional intimacy like In the
first 10 years. Many times its emotional intimacy that
is the slow death of any marriage. You stop baring Your
belly to them and being vulnerable, HUGS