Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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after 37 yrs wife wants divorce

My wife is (was) my life, my everything, my reason for living. I put her through some bs during our marriage, as I lost my brother and both parents all during a 5 yr period starting in 2002. I did'nt cope with these loses very maturly, drinking and and tranquilizers. In 2007 I finally got my act together, and we re bonded our relationship. Things were going good, life was good, and we went on some romantic vacations, spent lots of quality time together. In 2014 our 26 yo daughter (who had a history with addiction) became pregnant and wanted to have the child. My wife invited her to live with us as she was basically homeless at the time, and I agreed with it. She and my grandson are still living here, and daughter has been sober ever since yeaa. This is a short history leading up July 4th weekend:                                   I'm 63 yrs old and my wife is 59. We've been married for 37 years. It hasn't been a perfect marriage, however fidelity has not been an issue (that I know of?). Monday morning July 2 my wife went on her daily walk around 9:00 am. Her walks last between 30 and 45 min. normally. At 10:15 I started getting concerned and drove around the block. I found her talking on her phone sitting on the curb about 3 houses from home. I waved and went back home. We met in the garage as we returned at the same time (min or 2 later). I had no time to speak as she went off on me being jealous and paranoid! She has been very short with me over the last year or so. Acts like she can't hear me. And on the rare ocaisions I try being touching with her I get an elbow and derogitory remark. To continue; We went into the house and I calmly asked her what she is so upset about... Then she went off on a long "blanket list" of everything I've done wrong in the last 37 years! With a few add in's I had no idea about! She said she was afraid of me? I never ever touched her in anger. I tried to dig a little as to why she brings all this up now? and why she has been so short with me over the last year? She proceeded to tell me that she doesn't care anymore, and she doesn't love me! I lost my breath! I worship this woman, it was the most hurtfull thing she could say to me! My daughter and grandson came home then. So we picked up the talk a few hrs later. I first went to her while standing, put my hands on her shoulders, and ask her if she loved me, or if they were words of anger? She merely said she feels nothing and started to choke up, which in turn made me choke up. I tried to tell her how devistating this was to me, and she got angry again and blaming me for ancient history again. I asked her whats really going on here? This all makes no sense? Is there someone else? She said no, she would divorce me before she did that. The following morning she said she wanted to divorce me. I tried to talk her into seeking a marriage coach, and she refuses. I tried to get her to tell me what I had done to cause this, and goes back to ancient history.  I am very confused, concerned, and devastated. I don't know what to do... Help!   

Replies

mirandac
mirandac

Often when a spouse is checked out they are Done.
They are emotionally disconnected from You and the
marriage. Who knows how far back it really goes. My
Ex had more resentments than i could count. I had no
Idea how bad of a partner and wife he thought i was.

My ex eventually started flirting with Other women which
was not the man i thought i Married. The marriage had been
bad for 12 years before the divorce it had gotten toxic. He had
Found a replacement before leaving, checked out spouses
Will Rarely go it alone.

I went to therapy and alanon for 2 years before the separation
and then divorce care during the divorce. All three worked Well
for me. I Am now 2 years post divorce and no contact. The grieving
and Detaching can be pretty intense after a long term marriage.
HUGS
Aronia
Aronia

Maybe she needs a break. Offer her to give her some space and see what happens.
It is possible that she is really stressed out by the new living arrangements and just wants to be alone period.
Ask her if she would be willing to go to counseling for a few months before making the final decision.
37 years is a very long time. It's not easy to walk away from that.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

My wife did the EXACT same thing after 24 years together..all of a sudden ancient history was dredged up, lame excuses about this or that, just nonsense. Anyways truth was she had her sites on someone else. She told me the same thing there was no one else blah blah ...I wouldn't believe your wife. I also suggested counseling she said nope. Now she lives with the douchebag. So my advice is get a lawyer.
63yoloser
63yoloser

@kbbcoop77 Thanks for your comment, I don't know how old you are, but I really don't want to waste $$ on bloodsuckers, We don't have much in assets, and here in CA. its a 50 50 split. She makes more than me since I left my last job in 2009. I just wish I knew for sure there was a third party involved, I can't spy on her because she has passwords on everything. The only clue I have is she added her maiden name to her facebook page. Right now we can still discuss things in a civil manner, and I am trying my best to save our marriage. She says it's so bad for her she can't breathe as she enters our house, says she doesn't want to wait for me to die? I'm considering "the final solution" I don't have that many years left.
63yoloser
63yoloser

@ Aronia, Thanks for the comment... yes 37 years is a long time. How would I give her space? Should I leave, or her?
63yoloser
63yoloser

@mirandac, Thanks for the comment, I have had my "gut feelings" going back 15- 20 yrs ago, she was involved in the fashion industry (she is a hair stylist) and there was some travel involved . But the people were "flakey" if you know what I mean. It was her passion and I supported her, even though I didn't care for the folks she worked with. But the cruel and unusual way she hit me with this? who knows, maybe she's been adultering the whole time? I just don't know anymore.
mirandac
mirandac

My ex basically cheated in his heart long After he
Was checked out. I still don't know if It got physical.
Does not really matter, emotional Attachments are
more dangerous. IMHO

That means They are talking about their thoughts,
feelings And emotions and you know who they are
not Talking to anymore and they are usually talking
About the state of their marriage.

My ex was bonded to this friend of His before he left.
They were AA friends for awhile. He was also friends
with another woman there too.

This Was not the man i thought i married. He has been
Dry for the whole 30 years we were married he never
relapsed. I Never worried about him cheating he worked
in a mans World for a good part of our marriage. We travelled
i never Saw or heard any strange behaviors until he decided
he was Done.

When they fall out of love with you and they want out there is
No stopping them. They usually wait for the right someone and
The right timing and then they are gone, HUGS
63yoloser
63yoloser

I also wanted to add that my two kids Son 32, and Daughter 28, are both baffled by how this is going down. My Son commented "disappointing, shocked, and hurt". Daughter said "I can't believe this, it's BS. Daughter hasn't heard mom's side, my Son did.
63yoloser
63yoloser

@mirandac Thank you for the HUGS, I wish I had a real one right now, I'm breaking down.. The htought of her with another man .... I can't
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

I'm 52...yeah it's a horrible gut wrenching experience. I'm 3 years out and it still hurts if I let my mind go there, it's a very rough road but survivable. She left with a family "friend" so I knew him and drank beers with him etc before she split with him. The betrayal is difficult but with the proper support and thought exercises you'll get through it. Keep posting here this site helped me
mirandac
mirandac

Divorce care and therapy will help you a lot Along with
keep posting on here. Its Pretty intense until the divorce
is over then the healing can begin. Even then its still not
easy with All the grief, hurt, pain and rejection and if there
is someone Else waiting in the wings.

Until the divorce You are in a war zone with your spouse
legally and financially it it really brings it on. My Ex had no
remorse or concern except for his Financial consequences.

He did have guilt and Shame that did not stop him, he had
made up His mind up long ago to leave the marriage. I
Stayed as mature as possible thru out the separation it is
Bad enough without adding any fuel to the fire. Go limited
No contact stay to the business at hand only, no personal
Chit chat nothing. Email or text only try not to phone her.

If she is truly checked out and no reconciliation is in the
Cards, self protect. They are no longer your friend And
they watch out only for themselves and their new future
Without you in it. HUGS
63yoloser
63yoloser

OMG We just had another "conversation" that ended badly. She gets so vicious! I think i'm going to have to leave ... it will take months to sell the house and finalize divorce.
63yoloser
63yoloser

How do you become friends on this site..... I feel connections already
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

This Is why you need to consult with a lawyer. You leaving the house may have legal ramifications, I.e. Abandonment ...forfeiture of property etc...you need to protect yourself.
63yoloser
63yoloser

@kbbcoop77 I see your point, I guess I should at least get a consult... Probably cost about $500, but could save me $1000's. I have a friend (widower) at work that offered me a room. But I'll check the legal part.... Thanks for the heads up
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