I am due to have my first child within days. My boyfriend and I of 1.5 years have known each other for almost 20 years, and became pregnant just after 9 months by surprise. We were broken up at the current time of finding out I was with child.

Since then, the abusive relationship has become deliriously challenging and worsens every day. I am constantly battling his emotional manipulation and verbal abuse. I know it is in my best interest to end the relationship permanently. But with having a baby in the next few days, the both of us being financially strapped, and also living together- it’s impossible. Plus— I love him. I can’t deny it. Even in the abuse. I know his heart. I know him. And look at me! Making excuses for his behavior. 

DAILY I am questioned about other men. Even in all the time of my pregnancy. My announcement of this was followed with a “the child isn’t mine” response and I have been doing all I can to prove so to him throughout this process. I have NEVER been unfaithful to him and he believes I am. He will look for anyone to stick to me to find me unfaithful: coworkers, neighbors, bosses, old friends, exes, his friends, etc. My family has been nothing but supportive through this pregnancy as I hide the deep emotional/verbal abuse from them, as bad as that is. He finds a way to hate everyone in my family. He’s isolated me from my friends and fills my head with BS to steer my heart toward HIS pain. 

Everything revolves around his feelings. Every day I am battling relentless questions: including my finances, where I go, looking through my phone, accuses me of other men over and over and over. He asks the questions, I give the answers, and I am deemed a liar. No matter what. I go to lunch with my mom, right? Nope. I’m lying in his eyes. 

He constantly LOOKING for trouble. On top of all this, daily I am called a whore, skank, slut, fatass, manipulating bitch, psycho, cow. You name it. He’s even progressed to small acts of violence. Throwing things at me and stating I apply “self inflicted wounds.” He’s pushes me. Thrown me out of our bedroom. Slammed me into a wall. This evening, he got my pregnant tummy pretty good with his hand when he was snatching my phone.

I’ve made reports to crime check. I’ve recorded videos of his behavior and saved his incredibly abusive texts. Everything I am stating is worse than how it sounds. The mental and verbal abuse is more than I can take- to the point of me actually HITTING him. He threw something at me and it hit my arm. My automatic response was to smack him. I bloodied his nose. I am crying all day, every day. Hysterically and without control. I barely eat. I hardly sleep. I feel so crazy in my head. So trapped. And completely dumbfounded at myself when he comes crawling back with flowers, apologies, I love you’s, and affection. Like, I would rather have him like this in my life than not at all. 

I know in days to come when our baby is born that I will have a different reason and will to live my life. I will never endanger this child to the horrible abuse I have allowed for almost two years of my life. The amount of stress I’ve caused this baby in my pregnancy alone is enough, if baby isn’t affected already. 

I have no one to talk to. No one to turn to. I know what I deserve and somehow, every time, he’s convinced my sick mind and low self worth that everything is my fault. I don’t know what to do anymore.