There's probably no one on here now that remembers me from 4 years ago.  I still haven't done it.  4 years ago, I rented a house without him knowing, left a note for him on his chair while he was sleeping and went to bed.  I was leaving the next day.  At around 3 in the morning, he burst into the room in tears, begging me not to leave in the morning and I stood my ground.  The next day, I got up and let him talk me right out of it.  And I was so stupid to do that. 

He ended up moving with me and the kids to the new house.  I gave him terms (get a job, get rid of the old house within 90 days whether by renting or selling, get my broken down van fixed, etc).  Here we are, 4 years later and he's done none of those things.  Yep, I'm paying for both houses still... by myself because he still doesn't work.  I ended up buying myself a new (to me) car just so I wouldn't have to work in a junk car. 

Last year, he was arrested, again.  I bailed his ass out, again, and he was put on home detention.  A week into it, he had an injury.  Against his wishes, I called an ambulance.  Long story short, I literally saved his life.  If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even be alive.  He knows that and has admitted it.  

For the year prior to that, I dealt with his constant alcoholism, binge drinking (sometimes for 10 or 12 days), taking whatever pills he could get his hands on (Xanax, klonopin, and whatever else I dont know about).  It got bad.  When he had the injury, it was like God have given him a second chance... to stop fucking up and be the husband I married 20 years ago and the dad our kids deserve.

And we were good for a while after that.  For months.  He says he has some memory problems but the neurologist says there is no indication of that.  Seems like he uses that as an excuse, honestly.  

A few months ago he started drinking beer again.  I told him i wasn't cool with it and he said its not uncommon for a guy to have a beer every now and then.  Except it wasn't every now and then.  It was at 2 in the afternoon on... into the evening.  Then I found vodka bottles.  He says they are old bottles and they're from before the injury.  He doesn't know where he hid them.  I know he's lying.  After that, I randomly found 3 Xanax pills... 2 in our bathroom and one in our family room.  I lit him up for that.  He swears they must be from before.  He wouldn't do anything to hurt himself now.  Yeah right.  More bullshit.  

So here I am tonight... I had horrible heartburn today and laid down after the kids got home from school.  I never do that... ever.  I dont get naps.  My daughter woke me up at 9pm... and I went downstairs to find him getting another beer from the fridge and my kids without dinner.  And I snapped.  One effing day I dont feel good and take a break from doing everything everyday and he can't even give our kids dinner.  He's literally done NOTHING for the past 6 days. He has sat on the couch and watched TV or slept for SIX EFFING DAYS. Last night he was either drunk or high.  Tonight he's either drunk or high.  When I called him out on it, he left and then came back and passed out on the couch.

I'm so done with this marriage.  I'm so done with the lies... the alcohol... the pills... everything.  I deserve so much more than this and I know I have given him every chance... way more chances that anyone else would give.  So why can't I do it?  What the hell is wrong with me that I can't tell him to get out?  Why am I right back here after 4 years asking the same damn questions I did 4 years ago.  God I'm so weak.