I have a list of Dx's as well. I have BP1 (love the psychotic symptoms), Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Traits (not enough symptoms to make that one an official diagnosis), and Social Phobia.

I have been ill for a long time. My first episode of cutting was when I was 10. I have abused prescription medications a lot over the years, and have a list of meds I am not allowed to take because they make me manic. Well, that was the reason to abuse the drugs, there is nothing like a chemically induced mania to beat the blues of depression.

I was diagnosed originally in 2007 with BP and the rest have been added since, mostly in the hospital. I have spent a lot of years quitting job and not knowing why. In 2007 I had the choice of being fired from what I thought was my dream job or seeking help. My boss at the time was really understanding, so I got help.

Since then I have worked a couple of jobs that were totally wrong for me and in 2009 I lost my best friend. There is some debate as to how she really died. There is evidence that her many illnesses may have taken a toll on her and her body just finally gave up, however, there were a lot of prescription drugs in her system so there is also evidence she may have committed suicide. Her death pushed me over the edge and I had me first severe manic episode and wound up in the hospital. When I got out I was under investigation by the police. Because of my friends death. One of the questions raised was if she could have given herself enough of the medications in her system by herself. The medical examiner and the police thought I may have assisted her in killing herself. Ultimately there was no evidence, because I did not do it, so the case was ruled a suspicious death and the case was closed.

That was the end of me working, and I have not worked since. I am now on disability and working to get better. I have been hospitalized four times since then for suicidal thinking and once for homicidal thinking. I take my meds, go to therapy and worry about what tomorrow will bring. I am facing being homeless at the end of the month and my whole support structure has crumbled. I don't know what is going to happen. Some moments I think I can survive this and everything will be good, and in the rest (the most) I think I am tired of trying to survive this and I should just let go.

This illness has been a long battle and every day is a fight for survival. I wish I could say something to inspire others, but I can not. I don't really live life anymore, I just go through the motions most of the time. The only positive I feel is when I am in class and I know I am accomplishing something good for myself. But those thought still nag, am I going to be able to survive this illness long enough for any of it to make a difference.

To be continued....

Wow, BellaPolar. That sound like a lot of shit to have to go through. I should be on disability, but I got denied my first time and haven't reapplied (I don't even know if that is possible). I still live at home, so the stresses of living alone, and with the budgeting responsibilities must weigh heavily on you.

Oh, God!!! Not right now!!! I just don't have the stomach for it!!!
Perhaps some other time!!!!

In fact, when I'm hypo, I suffer from hypergraphia!!! (Well, actually, it's those AROUND me who suffer when I have it!!!)

Yeah, Wait'll I'm hypo!! I'll bombard you with so much information, you'll quit reading and put me on Ignore, just to escape!!!!

Aw, I'm sorry that you had to give up on all that schooling!! I hope you still manage to make your dream come true, even if it takes long and means working harder than you did before.

I wanted to be a Psychologist, too.
And I struggle with concentration and my memory is so shitty that I don't even HAVE one, LOLOL!!!!!

Good luck to you!!!
Good post, too!!! I love hearing everyone's story!!!!

(((((Hugs)))))

diagnosed BP2 about seven years ago, also recently diagnosed with PTSD. I remember clearly the day the BP came up to the surface. My husband was doing something illegal when we met, and when we started to get serious I told him he had to quit or I was outa there. He promised me did.

Well the DAY after we were approved for a loan on our first house, and I was sky-high, I got a call at work. It was him. In jail. Guess what for. I felt a hole start to grow in the floor of my brain.

The day after I got him out we were sitting on the porch outside of our split-level, the sun was shining, there was a pathetic garden in front of us and a squirrel. He said something about starting to do the illegal thing again. I looked at him and the bottom dropped out. I felt the change.

I was a college student with hope, highly intelligent, worked hard at my stressful full-time job...I can't imagine any of those things now. My doctor tells me that some people never know they have BP until they have a major trigger, usually in their 30's.

I struggle and suffer every day. I have to say in his defense he has supported me through some very serious lows and a manic episode where I cheated on him, and we have been married nine years. But I feel I have supported myself by myself more than he thinks, more than anyone thinks. I'm a tough little cookie. Especially after all the shit that gave me PTSD.

Life is unfair but I have not become an asshole; the things that other people say have turned them into assholes are like pinpricks to me. If the world came to an end the beepers would survive, with the cockroaches and alligators. We can't be beaten.

Looooooong story short.... Pre-BP:
Had a baby, started college, got pregnant in the middle of college (time wise....I did not conceive in the middle of the hallways or anything. lol), a whole bunch of family members died, had another baby, siblings got dx'd w/ BP, graduated college, got a job, got engaged, bought a new car, bought a house, broke up w/ fiance, became anorexic, got REALLY manic.

Crashed. Went out on short term disability, turned into long term disability, after a certain amount of time...my job terminates employees for excessive absence, I lose my job, I wait and wait and wait for SSDI info, my kids' father leaves (to never return), my house forecloses, I move into a small apartment w/ my 2 kids until I get better,SSDI comes through, "better" doesn't happen, move back in with Mom, try to go back to work, get taken back out of work, move in with boyfriend, get engaged, get arrested/break up w/ fiance, move close to Mom, take in my 17 year old sister, send said sister home to her Mother, move in with Mom, move in with family in another state, move in with Mom.

I've tried nearly EVERY medication (and failed on it for one reason or another). I've been through nearly every available therapy (had ECT from Oct. 2011-Feb 2012 and am now doing DBT) The only thing I haven't tried if DBT fails is EMDR...and that sounds like a load of horse shit to me...but I'll try anything.

Wish I could be more inspirational. My whole experience is one big sob story....hence the lack of detail in my story.

Well I was diagnosed with bp 1 in 1996. I was 16. I was hospitalized a ton of times. I cut myself a lot. I sought help until I was 22 then I went off meds. I stayed manic most of my 20s and indulged in cocaine crack and booze. I was an RN. And blew it for stealing drugs. I have a restricted license for a year but cant get anyone to hire me. Besides I am on disability. I got back On meds In 2007 and have had many ups and downs. Mania and depression and mixed states Been hospitalized over 20 times I also have gad OCD PTSD among
Other things

I have also tried every med out there the worst being Seroquel and abilify

1990 in London working in an international banking dealing room at 18, living with bf of about 4 years, end up in psychiatric clinic with severe depression for 3 weeks, said bf had my bank card as I wasn't allowed out (suicide watch), he came into see for the first few days and brought me cigarettes bought with my own money withdrawn from my own bank card. Then it stopped. Never seen him again. Spent the next two and half weeks worrying about him instead of trying to get better, got out the day before my release date to try and sort out my financial affairs, had no money coming in, he had my bank card.

I went straight to the bank, he had cleaned me out leaving only about 250 sterling, just enough for me to get a flight home to Ireland. I proceeded to our flat and caught him in bed with a New Zealand woman, sorry no offence to Kiwis, but this was a down and out tatooed to the hilt drunk, but it was him I had the grievance with. Bastard.

I got my card off of him amid all the empty bottles of vodka and suchlike strewn around the flat. He had been living the 'high life' in his book on my money while I was in a clinic for depression in a foreign country for the first time in my life. Total bastard. I had known him all my life. Used to sit beside him in primary school for god's sake.

Well after that, I came home, and a couple of months later went back to London, went totally manic and stayed that way for about five years until someone finally noticed something wasn't right. But by that stage I had already ruined my life. Returned home almost a down and out after this high flying job in London, I was wreck, couldn't hold a job for more that a couple of weeks, got depressed, really depressed, could hardly move, seriously.

Worked in banks all my working life til 2003 I took a massive OD which I had been planning for weeks, I was so so low, and serious about it. I ended up on life support for 3 weeks and in hospital for a further 2 weeks after that. I should never have survived that.

Now here I am with a partner of 16 years, engaged for about 12 of those but cant do the big Irish wedding thing. Too paranoid. Too self conscious. Will go away some day to Graceland and do the deed hopefully, if I can keep suicidal and other unwelcome delusional thoughts out of my head. Its an hourly struggle not even a daily one at this stage.

I only live because of my partner which some would say is no way to live at all....

Oh, I've been taking seroquel since the beginning. I am up to 800mg now, which is the FDA limit! I'm always tired and now a little slow...

I dont wanna think about it : ( someday maybe : )

I totally understand justletmebe but when you have almost 30 years to think and ponder on it, it does get kinda easy to sum it up in lumps and big bumps and where it all went wrong.......a million times after another.......simply put, it was all out of control, no rhyme nor reason to anything, but no matter how the high was there was always the dramatic and soul destroying low which no high could compensate for.

Its a kinda had to be there to know scenario I think.

Yes while I think the diagnoisis of Bipolar is over diagnosed these days, its almost trendy to have this diagnosis, unbelievable I know, this is a very serious condition and not to be mimickied or contrived as some are unbelievably prone to do.

Oh boy. Well I have always had a problem with major depression and what I thought was anxiety since I was a teen. I struggled with not feeling like life was worth living sometimes and I got into all sorts of trouble when I was very young and what I know now as being manic.

I've been in and out of work for years because of depression and "anxiety" and "stress". I finally received a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder I guess back in 1996 or some such, but I only saw these pdocs one time. I was misdiagnosed.

During the 2000s my symptoms got worse. The depression started lasting longer. Like almost all the time. I would be too depressed to get out of bed, leave my house, find joy in anything, etc. Then I would go to this other extreme where I would stay up all night, get terribly obsessed with music to whereas I didn't care about anything else, be extremely agitated and angry and have paranoid delusions and etc.

I moved to Florida last year because I was paranoid and I wanted to "get away from the people who were after me", lol. Those people didn't really exist. I mean they did, but they weren't really doing anything. I was delusional. I jumped in my tiny Camaro at 2am and just left from one end of the US to the other. I just took off and drove a straight 18 hours at high speed with no sleep. I stayed angry and paranoid for a long time after I got here. I got hired and fired or quit about seven jobs before I was diagnosed here.

Eventually I crashed into a depression and that is when I went to seek help here and get a solid diagnosis and get on some kind of therapeutic program for whatever it was that I had.

The first therapist I saw tagged me with bipolar immediately. She said I needed meds and therapy. The second therapist also said I was definitely bipolar and I might be borderline too but she wasn't clear on that. She made a referral to the pdoc. I was supposed to be waiting until May to see my pdoc but I went manic again and got upset and made an appointment for earlier. He finally diagnosed me with bipolar 1 and a bit of OCD. It's pretty funny because he said I was a classic case of bipolar disorder and I am also "as OCD as they come". Nice.

When I thought I had depression and anxiety I took some of my dad's antidepressants. They made me very manic. Since I stopped taking those and got the antispychotics they have been working well. They kind of act as a mood stabilizer for me. I have not been depressed since starting them. I had no side effects except some fatigue and some pretty wicked dreams. My delusions and paranoia are gone. The irritability is still there and I still get hypo from time to time. I am still obsessive about some things, but the OCD is a whole different issue which he just gave me an additional medication for.

Don't give up on your search for the right meds and don't give up on your schooling either. I am struggling to get another degree myself. I dropped out several times during manic times and now I am about to try to go back again in July. You can make it. You will just have to keep fighting. We are here to support you.

Silentnight, I really liked your story, but I was kind of put off by you last comment on justletmebe's post. I do agree that bipolar is becoming a widely diagnosis (mainly because it is not fully understood yet). But, I did share a very short story of my own because I was unsure of what responses I would receive. I have many other diagnosis, which I am sure is the case for most bipolar individuals, and then I have the overarching diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder. I take huge amounts of meds and the big thing that I wanted to mention is the masking of symptoms. I, like many others, will experience detrimental symptoms everyday all day. But, the thing is many of us have mastered the ability to mask in while in public. Only those we choose to let in will truly understand the "real" me. I may have misunderstood what you were trying to get at... I just wanted to let you kno that I am don't like the judgement that I am a product of over-diagnosis. But, again I respect what you've gone through and continue to. I really felt a lot from your story. Thank you.

@Hope, I wonder how many other bps mask their symptoms in public, or try to. I know I do and I totally understand what you just said about people "knowing the real you". I think all the masking we have to do adds extra stress as well. It is SO HARD walking around trying to act like nothing is wrong for certain people and having to suffer in silence. That is why I stopped having relationships and stopped going out in public for a long time. It became too hard for me to deal with my illness AND pretend that it did not exist.

My Pdoc mentioned that bipolar was kind of like the diagnosis of the month at this time. Then he looked at me and said "But YOU....YOU actually have it." I wasn't quite sure whether I should be offended or not.