Seems like college is always were the major meltdown starts. I had problems before but I suffered a major manic episode my first semester. I had a psychotic breakdown about a year and a half before but the manic episode nearly destroyed my life and others. I have had maybe two major manic episodes but my depression is so crippling that I can not function to do anything. Even simple chores and sometime it is because I can not get my mind organized to do them others it is because I feel like death almost as if a rock is on top of me or I am trying to walk through wet cement. Your story is very intriguing hope20z. (((((HUGS)))))

i'm going to begin my story in 1996.
i was 34, living iin Alaska and preparing to leave and divorce my husband of 16 yrs. My 14 yr old daughter was going with me to Tennessee to live with my parents. My 12 yr old son was staying in Alaska.
this was in July 96. it was very traumatic to leave my son. i had been diagnosed with major depression 3 yrs prior.
By May of 97, i was divorced and both parents were dead. I had my first episode of mania a couple of months after the divorce. to say i was a mess is an understatement.
in 98 i moved back to alaska, manic as hell. on no meds. was very hypersexual and just out of control. i got married again. had an affair. in late 01, my husband committed suicide. by this time i was on a low dose of paxil.
i was good at hiding the full picture of my problems. told my doc i was fine. ha ha....
started a very unhealthy relationship....he was abusive verbally at first. an alcoholic, he relapsed a year into the relationship. this sick relationship was off and on for 6 loooooong years. it was during this time that i started cutting. it was a release for me. also during this time period, i started overdosing on benedryl. first, to get high. then later, trying to die. the relationship with ken ended in 07 with him cheating on me and disappearing. i was so fragile by then that i went crazy manic. up for days and days. just insane. drinking, pills, cutting, hypersexual...i'm so lucky to be alive considering some of the dangerous places i went and things i did.
i finally saw an excellent psychiatrist in late 07...she diagnosed me as BP2. She tried me on lots of different meds. i am so hypersensitive to meds that i am still trying to find a solution.
anyways, i spent the majority of 08 in and out of the hospital. tried to commit suicide many times that year and just cut my poor body up. it was so horrible.
oh, i forgot....i was working as a CNA for awhile until mid 06..had a case worker who suggested i apply for disability. so i did. got approved in oct of 06 after just 3 months!! what a blessing in the middle of hell!
in Nov of 08, i decided i'd leave Alaska...too many bad memories. was manic and i remember this feeling of just needing to RUN!!!!
in jan 09 i left and moved to Arizona to live with a friend. We started a relationship....but within a month i was depressed and one night i took 200 benedryl. spent a few days in icu, then in the psych ward. more med experiements...ugh.
in April 09, i ran again. to Utah. so manic. would always do these roadtrips late at night. felt like i was on top of the fucking world. nothing bad could ever happen to me. wheeeeee!!!!! i wrote a couple of journal entries about what happened to me in Utah if u want to take a look. they are the latest 2 entries i think. craziness, pure mania and delusion.
ended up in the hospital in Utah cuz i was suicidal. took some tests, first heard the possible diagnosis of schizoaffective or whatever... i was homeless and the doc gave me a list of shelters in Vegas, san diego, and LA. i am sure i would've found trouble in any of those cities.
instead,when i was released, i went back to arizona but left again, manic, and went to texas. again, driving late at night. i'm lucky i didn't get kidnapped or worse. was in texas for 2 weeks, then back to Arizona to wait till the first of july 09. left again, back into utah. camped out alone...god it was so hot that day at red cliffs. i felt so alone in the big world. left there and just drove north on 18. ended up here in idaho. found a women's shelter. overdosed several times in 09...of course in psych hospital several times.
met my husband while volunteering at a thrift store. we will be married 2 yrs in july. i told him from the get go how nuts i am....still, he loves me. i'm thankful for him, very much.
in october 2010, while my hubby was at work, i walked in the rain down to the river to a hidden area and took 300 benedryl. i had had this planned. so i wouldn't be seen. somehow, i was found. spent 3 days on life support and 3 weeks in psych ward.
i do the therapy and doc stuff off and on. i know i need to get back in with them.
i have several other diagnoses....they are on my profile. it seems that as time passes, i develop more problems. like being so paranoid. and afraid to leave home.
i'm weary. i don't want to give up. somedays i feel strong and have the fighting spirit. other days, i just say fuck it all.
oh, and the friend i was with in Arizona? he moved up here to be close to my husband and i. he developed lung cancer and my husband and i , along with hospice, took care of him. He passed away back in December, 2 days after Christmas. and i kept my promises to him-that he wouldn't suffer pain and i would be by side when he passed. i'm still really grief stricken. i miss him alot.
i have 2 grown children who are still in alaska. they totally ignore me and are embarrassed to have a mentally ill mother. it hurts alot.

(((((Ashling)))))) My heart goes out to you especially watching someone die. I don't think anyone is ever the same after seeing someone die it haunts me forever really.

My story the Reader's Digest Condensed Version

Suicidal in my teens.
Always wondered how people handled the sheer enormity of their emotions as mine seemed so very strong.... turns out the others didn't have mood disorders....that I knew about at the time anyway.

Always on the depressed side of things especially during the teen years.

Married a wonderful man at age 20 (we are still together 27 years later). I married him for the wrong reasons at the time but someone up there was looking out for me and he really is my soul mate.

Throughout our marriage and especially after we had children he told me I needed to get some help which only made me angry. You don't like me angry it's not pretty. I rant, rage and throw furniture and do nutty things when angry.

Fast forward to age 40 our son had issues adhd, conduct disorder blah, blah, blah police were called. Son's pdoc suggested family counseling so we went.

The counselor said she'd like to see me again so I said what the heck my insurance would cover it. She asked me lots of questions and said that she thought a pdoc might be able to help me with medications.

I said what the heck hubby had kept telling me I needed help so for kicks and giggles I went to see what the pdoc would say.

He diagnosed me as BP type 2 and put me on Abilify. I stayed on Abilify until last year (June) when I was put on Seroquel.

Within just a month of the dosing of Abilify everyone was telling me how much I had changed. I stayed on Abilify until June of last year as I said.

I started having more hallucinations so my pdoc suggested Seroquel 100 mg to start. I am now on 200 mg and it works like a charm. I have had no hallucinations since June of last year but did have a 3 week period of instability due to trying to reduce my Lexapro and due to some narcotics prescribed for back pain.

I have only been hospitalized once so far for psychiatric reasons.

I think both my parents had psychiatric illnesses looking back on things.

I've been unstable 4 times in 8 years. Once a couple of months back, once resulting in hospitalization, once when put on phentermine (went manic according to the doctor), and when I saw my mother die (cancer) I had a depressive episode lasting 7 months.

I have added dx over the years ADHD, BP2, PTSD and an anxiety disorder not otherwise specified.

I am a longer in other words I am perfectly happy being alone at least so far in my life. I like being left alone in fact which I find kind of odd. *shrugs*

Since my late teens, I've had periods where I would sleep for days then wake up with a high amount of energy and start cleaning or jogging and would be hypomanic for months, weird.

Every psychiatrist I ever met asked if there is a history of BP in the family; I wasn't aware so many on my dad's side had the diagnosis until I got my BP diagnosis. My mom's side has history of Schizophrenia. So, in a nutshell, this is my timeline:

Diagnosis with Cyclothymia (lesser form of BP that usually leads to full blown BP later) at 24y.o. after the birth of my first child.

Major Depression Diagnosis at age 28 (first major depressive episode that required hospitalization) (coincidentally, my sister was diagnosed with MDD at age 28 and my cousin suicided at age 28)

I believe I had a brief psychotic episode in spring of 99 (age 31) just before graduation from university though I didn't recognize it as psychosis, thought it was PTSD;

2nd psychotic episode in Spring 2007 which led to a suicide attempt in August 2007 (age 38) and my diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder w/psychotic features by hospital pdoc then BP diagnosis by my outpatient pdoc. (2nd hospitalization).

Diagnosis of BP2 changed to BP1 with new psychiatrist in 2010

3rd psychotic episode in Spring 2012 (recently) which changed my diagnosis to Schizoaffective Disorder-BiPolar Type

I have no idea of my true diagnosis....the only common theme is BP 1.0, 1.5, or 2.0.

Funny, I too wanted to be a psychologist. In 2007, I was well on my way toward that goal when I had a psychotic break, thus, stopping me in my tracks!!

My story starts when I was 7 years old. No I would not say that I had BP then, but it was very high anxiety. Thats when I first remember vomiting every morning, not going to school, and the smallest things making me anxious.

Now lets fast forward to my 20s. Looking back this was when I first started to see my anxiety merge with mixed states. There were some delusions, and minor hallucinations. I never had a psychotic break. It just seemed I had one foot in reality, and one foot in my delusions. This was also the decade that I began to see the major depression for what it was.

Things came to a head in my early to mid 30s. In my mid 30s I had panic issues, but made it through. A romance that never was mixed with depression caused by Tegretol pushed me to a pdoc. Shortly after, my depression swung to a mixed state, and I ended up in a hospital. Before I was in the hospital I was diagnosed with BP. While I was at the hospital they added in BPD.

Its been 4 years since that hospital stay, and life has been up and down. I went off of my medication too often in the first two years. Thus, I showed no progress. The last two years I have stayed on my medication, and showed good progress. I still have major mixed moods, but nothing like the one in 2008 that pushed me to the hospital. (However, I thought my most recent one might). I still have what most people would call depression, but nothing like I had in 2007 before the BP diagnosis.

I like to say that I am BP 1.5. I do not have the mania, but I do have the mixed moods. I have delusional thinking and paranoia, but I do not have psychotic breaks. It seems Im too crazy for BP II, but not crazy enough for BP I.

Want to answer thruoughly and truthfully too damm lazy to do so at moment will be back tho

I had symptoms of BP as a young child as young as 6. I would go through serious depression and violent episodes. Once I threw a garbage can at my grandmothers face-not something I like to remember. My grandparents pretty much raised me (bless them) and I think they knew something was off when we were visiting in Hawaii and I wrote this murder mystery book about fish. The illistrations were pretty graphic. I remember it wasnt even about the murder that I was focused on but the excitement of sloving the mystery- I was so proud of my book. It scared hte jeepers out of them. They took me to councling but I was never told I was BP- I might have been diagnosed but my grandparents were the type they would keep everything from me I think becuase they thought it would protect me.In highschool I was put in a program SED(severely emotionally disturbed) where we had councling 3 times a week on site-still no diagnosis that I knew of except depression. Then at the age 19 had my kid and depression got worse. At the age 22 I finally got a diagnosis and they put me on lithium. I had real bad side affects where clumps of my hair would fall out and had the nastiest taste in my mouth but helped me. I wanted to try another med and they wouldn't let me nor get a second opinion there, in fact, the lady wanted to up my dosage. I was pissed and left and never came back. I did my own research and just have been trying to manage on my own-I have no clue how I have. And then some years ago I got new insurence and took atvantage of that and went in. Been on Lamictal and it's been helping a lot. Sometimes I get sure of myself and stop my meds but then just relapse. I have been thinking about getting my medical records lately when I was a kid to see what they said. Kinda nervous to though lol I still have not been told if I am type 1 or 2 but I told I get rapid cycles. Not sure if both can have rapid cycles? I think the most manic thing I did was in the middle of the night I played in a fountain outfront of a police station -and no I was never arrested. someone must have been looking out for me lol. But I usually blow money, do things like paint the house in the middle of the night, sleep for weeks, Up for days that sort of thing. I used to get in fights a lot too, but not now.

This is spectacular to see and read all of your stories. Thank you for putting som much into this. it touches my heart deeply. I didn't know If was going to get a good response or not, but I am happy that people's stories keep trickling in. Keep telling me what happend, what's your treatment and/medication, how are your relationships with friends and family, and how are you dealing with it all.

I am going to submit my own extended story once I have time this evening so I will hope to get some advice and feedback from anyone who is willing to lend a helping hand. And, again, if you'd like to read my journals please send me a friend request!

Thank you for suggesting this idea. It's been really interesting to read everyone's stories.

Mine started in high school when I went through massive mood swings. I was jealous of my best friend because she seemed so calm and peaceful, when I would go into rages and tears over nothing.
Move on to college - I started at a state school and managed to flunk out because all I did was party and work. I loved my job :). I was super manic during this time - I remember not sleeping for like a week. At the time I was having a blast, and in retrospect I am glad to be alive after some of the stuff I did.
Then after flunking out I managed to have a pscyhotic break - I was hallucinating and suicidal but I didn't tell anyone and I was too wimpy to actually carry through with the suicide (thank God!!). I finally came down and was depressed for a good two years (I had to move back in with my parents which is a whole 'nother can of worms).
Then I met my husband and started getting manic. I remember crying because I coulnd't sleep and I was so tired but my brain wouldn't shut off. I had some hallucinations, but didn't realize that everyone else didn't have them so I didn't do anything about it.
Fast forward to 2000, I found out I was pregnant. I had serious mixed moods during the pregnancy, then got severally depressed after giving birth. I went to a pdoc for the first time when they prescribed depakote which made me flat. I quit taking them and self medicated with booze.
In 2006 I had a little nervous breakdown because my baby was starting school. I realized I needed help and went to another pdoc who put me on Lexapro. 6 months later I was flying high, and feeling no pain - one of my first postive manic periods. I found another pdoc who I actually trusted, and he started me on Zyprexa which I am still on to this day.

I'll keep it short. I was diagnosed bipolar with psychosis in '09 after thinking I was having a nervous breakdown and dreaming of my husband's ex's death. My husband had been trying to get me help for a few years but they kept saying "Not unless she wants help". I didn't realize anything was wrong with me.

After the diagnoses and alot of research I could see the symptoms as far back a middle school. The all night parties, paying for all my friends to get tattoos, the suicide attempts, marrying my husband after one month. It just never all added up in my head.

I knew about the depression. I was treated off and on for it since the age of 7. I was in therapy all those years. Since then I have also been diagnosed with PTSD. No shock there since I was mentally, physically, and sexually abused as a child.

I'll try to be brief but I'm old so this could go on & on forever. :)

It started at birth. Doctor noted that I was overly agitated by light, sounds, etc. Parents (great, shy dad and mom -- the most narcissistic, judgmental, critical, cold person .... all the while knowing with every fiber in her being that she was Mother of the Century.)

At age 2, parents took me to doc re: agitation, fear, sensitivity, etc. He said I'd grow out of it. Always felt insecure in my family (2 older brothers) of stoic, Germans.

Age 11-14, brother molested me. Stopped when he got a girlfriend. Very confusing for me .... I knew it was wrong and forbidden but, in a weird way, it was the only close connection in my family.

Off to college. Stop sleeping. Lots of stress completing my degree program and help so much with my flakey Hubby #1's. Marriage lasted 15 months.

Shortly after divorce my dad commits suicide @ our family home with a 12-gauge shotgun. Shame exacerbated when mom insists on private funeral though dad's work colleagues and other city council members expressed a desire to attend and show support.

Began self-medicating with alcohol. Worked in law firms -- loved that. Relocated closer to family home. Met Mr. Baby @ a bachelor auction ($200.) Married 3 months later. Babies #1-#3 born within 3 years.

Consulted with OB/GYN after Baby #3 reporting bipolar symptoms and drinking. Send to pdoc who moved talk therapy. Another drinking binge landed me in the land of chemical dependency counseling. Couldn't get out for over 20 years though I presented bipolar symptoms (no sleep, racing thoughts, perpetual state of hypomania with occasional bouts of depression.)

Upon the anniversary of my dad's death last August (he died @ 49, and I was now 49), doozer of a runaway drunk landed me in ER and subsequently the psych ward for 1 week. **Finally** got diagnosed Bipolar II. Began meds: Lithium, Celexa, Hydroxyzine Pamoate, Ambien & Trazadone. Works nearly flawlessly.

I'm still adjusting to my new calmness but life is good!

I was 21 and in college. i was the student body president of my university, an RA in the dorms and worked at Banana Republic. I started to hide under my desk at the university and panic constantly. I was depressed and so anxious. I knew something had to be wrong so I went to the university doctor who gave me some valium and let me go. Then when I came back he forwarded me to a pdoc at the school. After seeing her for a couple of hours she did a direct admit to the psych floor at the hospital. As soon as I got there the doctors loaded me with drugs from every category, I stopped feeling anything then. I was numb and slow it made me catatonic. My parents visited me every day when I was there. I loved that, but I knew i scared my mom because I was so out of it.. and I still am. She eventually got ove it.

After my first visit to the psych ward I didn't know what to do. I had been pulled from school and moved out of the dorms, it seemed like I had nothing else. I couldn't move and just stayed in the house, avoided everything and everyone. Depression sunk in deeply and hard. I never spoke to friends just close family members. I saw a few doctors every week.. I dont even remember them at this point. They put me on so much Xanax ER three times a day along with other meds like lithium, lamictal, geodon, depakote, seroquel abilify, pretty mush anything they could shove down my throat. To this day I take 7 different meds to keep me somewhat level.

Each semester I would try to go back to school, but always would end up crashing and then dropping all of my classes. I have been in the psych unit 4 times and I am 25 years old. They're not fun visits when you can even get yourself to talk to anyone. It's been hard for my family to see this happening to me as well as learn how to deal with this new me. I never intended this to happen.

My childhood seems normal. I don't remember bipolar type actions. When I got to middle school I was seen by the councilor at the school and then the therapist my parents hired. I went to therapy for a little while, where the psychologist talked to my primary care physician who prescribed me Zoloft and Celexa and Prozac. None of which really worked. But, as bipolar people we know that anti-depressants can have a negative effect on our minds. especially prozac and any SSRI.

To day I am motivated to become a psychologist. I have changed my major and I am interning at the University of Colorado Hospital in the emergency room. I love psychology. I have yet to tell my colleagues about my bipolar background, but I feel better that way.

I am constantly changing from OK to depressed to anxious and back again. I dont know why this is happening. I can't sleep, even with these strong medications. I think that I have gotten better, but I will never be the person I was.