oh, I just read the full thing. I think I agree with your wife; she's trying to motivate you to really work on things. I broke up with someone who was BP alcholic not in treatment cuz I couldn't take anymore and he wasn't trying (and other things). People don't have to put up with anything and everything if someone isn't trying. Then they just feel like they're enabling them. Plus, relationships are 2-way; each person should be able to give as well as take. My ex took more than he gave and was often very ungrateful; so I ended it.

as a child I rember BOTH sides of my famliy refering to both sets of grand parents keeping separt bed rooms ,as a child i didnt understand,I thought it ment they didnt like each other,then as i grew older i found out lots a folks do it .especially the well to do.In fact i saw on tv that the greater pecentage of homes built fot the well to do are designed with seperate but connecting bedrooms. Hang in there ,who knows you might like it.

This kind of makes me angery. My husbend of 18 years is very sick he will never get any better it will get worse over it has efected every aspect of our life. I am 52 that is not that old. I have to roll back our activitys. I could not make him feal guilty for beeing sick. He has enough of that all by himself.

I agree with rambler; you never know. "good fences make good neighbors'. Maybe extra boundaries are needed and will help.

Well I have to agree with you too. She is right.

I do need to prove that I am willing to finally get well and stop putting things off. She shouldnt have to spend another 10 years enabling me.

All I ask is that she really give me a chance. That she really does try. That if I do get clean, get my medication right, and grow up some, that she really tries to embrace the changes.

Im so scared that I will do everything I can to fix myself, and she will leave anyways. I know I will still benefit as I will have changed my life, but how can she expect me to do so much, so quickly, without her by my side?

I told her last night I dont need her to enable me at all, just love me, let me lie in bed next to her at night. She still refuses. I have to be alone and do it alone she says to prove to her im serious about getting healthy.

H ave you tried AA? I giess thats where you would start. Just like some one who is over weight would start with weight watchers.

Can you get her into counseling?

Can you find some tools to help you with the depressions, You might ask on here I geet oodles of answers.

Is your work stressful?

Good luck

You are just going to have to do this on faith. She may or may not stick with you. I can't say. but at least if you do as you just stated, sober up, start the meds and grow up some you will be better for it no matter what happens. AA is a good idea. If you are not seeing a tdoc that would be a good idea too.

Wow, she won't let you sleep in the same bed with her? That is just mean. I'm serious. My ex-husband wouldn't sleep with me either and it caused me to feel totally unloved and rejected by him.

Try AA as a start. At least if you go, your wife will see you starting to try to decrease the alcoholism.

As for the BP meds, she needs to go with you to the P-doc so she can be educated. BP meds don't usually work the first try. It took me several tries to find the right combination (two divorces later...sorry).

I wish you all the best. You sound like you really love her a lot. Try really hard to stop drinking and get into a support group for it. Maybe that will soften her heart towards you.

Love,
Wendy

You sound alot like me.I cannot feel or accept love at times.You are lucky that she gave you a heads up that things were not working for her so that you can work on them.I bet if she did not love you she would be gone.She wants the best you that you can be and that will make a lot better ya'll.(sorry I'm southern lol).You CAN do this and you DESERVE it.:)

I understand that it is difficult but you have to concentrate on getting yourself better before you can deal with anything else.

She sounds like a wise, loving woman - hang onto her! Remember, she asked you to get BETTER - not PERFECT. You can do it! The alcohol isn't helping - get rid of the alcohol - keep the wife!

I am sorry to hear that..it must be very hard for you.. I away make it very very clear this will be me forever untill i die and leave now if any bit of u feels u cant take it..its hard to say but its esayer to just put it out there.. I hope ur wife is sincere

If she is level headed and loves you like she says she does, then she is only saying this to give you an extra push. If you don't end up getting help, you could ultimately lose her. If you do end up getting help, she'll see you are trying and give you another shot. :-)

Good luck!

"You can make it work. I hope you two are seeing a marriage counselor, it would help. "--------------------------------------------------------

^^^ NOPE. She wont go to a marriage counselor with me. She says she isnt ready to relive the pain of the feelings she has gone through. I did get her to promise to do her own counseling while im doing my thing, she said she wont right away, but when she is ready she will. (we shall see).

Well there really are no other issues. I mean im good with my kids, i dont beat anyone; Im loyal and have never strayed.

Everything that is negative about our relationship is linked to alcohol and my depression. For the last 7 years I have failed to keep taking my meds for my depression and I have failed to stay sober. So my wife has ridden an emotional roller coaster of me being up and down for months at a time, and coming home drunk and depressed and telling her I might leaver her.

4 months ago I lost my job due to a football injury (just a game in the park) and we have been in horrible financial trouble ever since. She goes to work every day and comes home and sees me on the couch.

She is angry. She is not sure who I am anymore, and she is through taking care of me till I stand up and do it myself.

I begged her to let me try to fix myself while we are together. Im going into a rehab program, and im starting counseling and a new drug therapy all next week. But she doesnt really want to be near me until I show some progress. In fact she wants time to go be by herself and do her own thing.

She also wants me to pay my own bills to prove I can do it.

The sadness for me is the feeling I have, deep inside, that she really dont mean any of it. She is going to leave me no matter how incredible of strides I make in the next 6 months. I really feel that.

I think she is just telling me there is a chance because she is worried I will hurt myself.

So now im supposed to try and get my life together, while I have a horribly broken heart, her anger, and the realization that my 10 year marriage is probably over.

I know that for me, when I'm in a depression everything I see in my life is black/white. I know for myself, its difficult to see a situation outside of my own view to what may more accurately be happening. Do you have a friend that knows both of you to talk to?

I think its important to remember that while you are trying to heal, she is too. Respecting the feelings and boundaries of someone trying to better themselves (which I believe you both are doing) is very important. Just as you need her she needs you- maybe she's just confused as to who you are now. Trust cannot be rebuilt overnight, nor should it be INHO. The best thing you can do is what you are doing. Go to meetings with you pdoc, take your meds and try to show her that you love her and care about her emotions.

That said, I think marraige counseling would be a good thing for you. Your wife may be more accepting of the idea after she begins her own therapy journey. Sometimes people can't just jump in the pool, they have to wade in a bit first.

I think it would be a good thing for you and your wife to draw up a plan. What constitutes doing well for you? How does she need to be shown? How do you need her to show you that she still loves you and wants to make this work? Plan out a timeline of events you want to see come to fruition. Plan a month sober dinner. Spend a romantic night together when you have been med compliant for a certain period of time.

Someone very wise told me something once that saved my relationship with my husband.

Love is an action- not an emotion. You have to make Love enter, you can't just feel it. I think you both need to discuss in what ways you each feel loved. Do you need to reach over in the night to find her there? Would she like to have the dishes done and dinner waiting?

All of this is just my opinion and experience. I'll be praying for strength and joy for you. I believe you can do this. It is not a lost cause yet. The act of love is a powerful healer.

Best wishes