I'm the same way, Pagan! My brother and SIL are coming to visit today and I FREAKING out. My brother and I have such a close relationship and I know he's shared about me with my SIL (who is also nice to me). But sometimes, I get the feeling that they are being a little TOO nice to me. I'm scared sh*tless. I'm worried about what they will see of me and what they will think. I'm counting on my husband to run interference if any odd topics come up. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow! I KNOW it will go well but these nerves are ridiculous, don't you think? Your brother loves you and you will always have that connection with him -- illness and all. At least, that's what I'm thinking. Oh why does this have to be so hard! I'm sending you big hugs -- you can do it!

Why is it so hard? I'm not sure. There are a number of reasons. We have an illness that likes to lie to us for one. Remember that and breathe. :)

With my brother, I go through the same thing. And he is BP2! (He's much more high-functioning so maybe that has something to do with it).

I'm glad you are venting. Keep doing that. As far as the unknown with the visit, try not to worry or fret too much. I know it's hard. It will be fine. You're gonna do great! And he's your brother like you said. He loves you. With the kids, just tell them you got scratched by a cat. ((((Hugs))))

Guys, you have to remember they're probably as nervous as you and probably have the same questions. The scenario is hard on both sides. We guard what we say and do because we want to look and act "normal" and they guard what they say because they don't want us to think they know we're just a little nuts. Pagan you made a really good point, it's your brother, and he loves you regardless of what chemicals are mis-firing in your brain, regardless of what scars are showing. Try to remember that and use some deep breathing relaxation exercises, see if the stress lessens some.

As for the kids, as a cutter of 30 some odd years with 2 sons, and scars that show...I call them my battle scars. Kids ask questions, it's normal, it's how they learn. When kids see the scars on my arms and ask, there my battle scars and I got them fighting a tough battle that sometimes I still have to fight....and then I guide the conversation to something they naturally know and are familiar about, their sports teams, their school grades or projects, etc. If your calm and composed just talking naturally, they will be,

Hang in there, your visit will be fine and spending time with family is always a good thing.

I think it will go great, pagan. Man, I don't know where I'd be without my two brothers love and support during my hospitalizations and episodes. They don't always know what to say so I try to tell them little bits about it, and even if they don't know what to say, they listen. I know it can be Different with in-laws and new family, but I found my inlaws supportive too!

Anyway I'm sending good thoughts your way. I hope you have a wonderful visit.

I am sending many positive thoughts in your direction. My brother can scare the tar out of me too, even though we are closer now than we have ever been. Hold on to the fact that he cares about you.

I think the suggestion about battle scars is a great one. I may have to borrow it myself.

Remember that tomorrow you will be making memories, so try to make them happy ones. My thoughts are with you.

I'll have to respectfully disagree with the battle scars explanation. I don't think that's a good idea. Kids won't get that at all. I don't know the answer but kids want to know "why" not just what. And that's a very complex answer, too heavy. Keep it simple. That's just my opinion.

Hope you have a good trip!

Honey, I hope you're at your brother's today. I completely understand those 1% thoughts and fears taking over. Whatever you did, I just hope it was best for you. ((hugs))

Back from my brothers and I have to say..overall it was a good visit. I confess I am relieved its over now. Does that make me a bad person for saying that? I would like to thank each and every one of you for commenting and offering your support. You are all awesome!

Wow, I'm glad you went after all, but More glad to hear you felt it was a positive visit overall....sure it can be uncomfortable! Even when they're Not saying something stupid, those Feelings we have, and they may have, are the elephant in the room.

I guess it's not easy at All when you're wearing evidence of stuff that's been going on, like scars....I'm not a cutter but I've seen family or friends when I have been skipping appointments, or having trouble keeping jobs, or when I've been thinking of running away or just when I've been Highly emotional....it still Feels like I'm wearing it like a neon sign on my forehead. sigh.

Spacekat, I hope your visit went okay too - I know those aren't the Worst of the family members for triggers for you but I hope you all were able to relax and be Real with each other, and have a good day.

Sometimes, it isn't about what is actually Said or Done during visits but what Isn't said or done. Urgh.

It helps sometimes when there are enough activities planned, or other things to Talk about, so long, uncomfortable silences don't get the ball rolling in the wrong direction.

HUGS to everyone -

you're not a bad person for thinking 'glad it's over.' I know what you're talking about. I feel that way too sometimes after an event is over - though I enjoyed it or at least part of it (like a lunch out with my friend yesterday) i also feel a great sense of relief 'I did it' and it's over. I even feel a sense of accomplishment about these things too. Perhaps it's social anxiety or what have you. I understand your frustration with having illness. I totally get that - and feel the same about my own situation. Illness has made me so vulnerable to life and I feel so frustrated by it. I wish I had my own family and more! Anyways - You're doing good work Pagan! Congratulations on following through with your visit!! YoU DID IT! :)

Thanks so much Mark. Your words are always filed with insight and meaning and I will always appreciate that. Wishing you well my friend.

Good for you sweetie!!!...It's hard to go forward when feeling like this and you did!!!... It takes courage and I know it t'aint easy.... I often cancel!!... big hug for you...xo

Pagan glad you had a good visit with your Brother. And no it doesn't make you a bad person for being glad it's done, it makes you normal. Try to keep in touch with him through emails, phone calls, texts, so things don't get awkward again. Keep that brother thing going.

OCP

Kudos for caring and sharing....

I often feel this way and feel like a freak for feeling it!

You went on with the visit even though your head said "don't go."

Good for you for going anyway.....((((hugs)))) this stuff is so hard.