OMG...THIS IS MY PROBLEM! i have totally wigged out on my kids this week and the oldest said something. all you do is yell at us..i said i know and i can't explain that. is it really a side effect of bipolar? it frightens me, but it is hard to control...i feel like such a jerk to my kids, just figured it was the toxic crap i'm going through...

Um... obviously I DON'T think my child is in danger. That is not an issue. I know all the 'leave the room, take a timeout' crap, and use it whenever I need to. My daughter was never spanked, and - believe me - I was tested dearly. That is not an issue. I am worried, though, that OTHER PEOPLE might think that there is an issue.

I just wanted to know how extreme my experience was, and judging by the answers, it is apparently extreme. BTW, I opened the whole discussion with my p/tdoc by asking whether anger and rage are a signature feature of BP, and she sad no. Food for thought (for me).

This is my interpretation of what you are saying.

You are afraid of what would happen to YOU regarding your children if you tell your psychiatrist the truth. But I don't read you writing anything about what's best for your children.

Many of you have commented saying not to say anything to the psychiatrist, because your children were either taken away, or it's too dangerous.

How do you know your children are better off with you? I got the crap beat out of me every day by a mentally ill mother who would not get help for what she was doing. I am sure she felt badly for it every day, but was afraid of what would happen to HER if she talked about it to someone. She never considered what was best for ME as her child.

I also take major issue with saying that berating children verbally and holding ourselves back from physically harming our children is a symptom of our disorder. I have never yelled at a child, regardless of my mania or depression. Have I lashed out at an adult? Yes. Do I apologize for my behavior to that adult? Yes.

But I have never, EVER lashed out at a child. Children are completely innocent, and cannot defend themselves from anything harmful you do to them.

So I read here that many of you are concerned about losing your custody rights, etc., but that's about you; that's not about your children. Maybe you should think about what's best for your children rather than what would happen to you if you told your doctor the truth.

And stop blaming our disease for acting out against a child. Nothing warrants that type of behavior. Nothing.

I understand that this is going to make me very unpopular with the group, but the more I read the responses to this, the more I cringed.

One more thing.

You wrote:

"However, these childhood traumas can never be addressed fully until you have a child of your own."

I completely disagree with that. I know many people that have overcome their childhood abuse and they do not have children.

cheldear, I think you flew off on a non-productive tangent here.

For one, I too have resolved all my childhood abuse trauma, and all was peachy, when - bam - once I had my child, I was immediately tangled into this contradictory mess of emotions and neurotic thoughts. This could have happened to your friends too. I'm sure they resolved their traumas at the level needed for their present lives, but having kids ups the stakes.

As for the kid's safety, that's where I think you went on a tangent. I do NOT worry about my child's safety. She is safe, and always was. That was not obvious to you, nor to one other poster, so I have reason to worry whether it'll be obvious to my d/tod, who has a legal obligation to report all kinds of things.

Finally, I (personally) am not worried about what would happen to me. Nothing can happen to me. There are no jails for mothers who have never done anything bad. I worry about what would happen to my daughter (worst case scenario, she's taken from both parents for no reason whatsoever), or to our mother-daughter bond (if we're somehow separated), which is pretty nice right now. :)

Maybe it's the way you are presenting the information. You indicated that you saw your hands reach for your daughter's throat. I do not consider that benign, nor would I consider your child in a safe situation, even though you were able to stop yourself this time.

The fact that you would consider or even have a though of reaching for your child's throat is unnerving to say the least.

when i was diagnosed and all the shit was hitting the fan, he said he would call child services on me because i had completely gone on a rage on my 13 then 11 and just had picked her and slammed her against the wall and told her to knock off her behavior and the way she talked to me etc...to this day, she forgives me, but she constantly says, i should have called child services. i was so distraught about it i called the police department and talked to them..they said that there were no way that charges would have been placed against me or my children taken away because you are allowed to punish your child as long as you do not physically cause them harm, e.g. cut them open, cause an injury, bleeding, bruises..there were no bruises, just scared because i was yelling in her face. i told the therapist and she said that i was not going to lose my kids.

i feel like shit everytime i lose it on them though, it's just yelling in their faces as loud as i can..i have tried lately to take a mommy timeout especially when my son starts to hit me, call me names etc..and i go out on the front porch. i feel out of control when i feel that rage come on...and i try to control it, but it overtakes me and i feel like HIM..i know i won't hurt them...but the yelling is not any better for them...:(

Cheldear:

Well, I didn't have the thought, nor would I ever consider that. This whole thing happened in the 0.1 second between getting angry and taking control of the situation. I don't think my daughter even noticed anything.

Anyway, there's not much point going into this in ever finer detail. Don't worry. My daughter is safe. And with web type as our only means of communication, it is hard to convey information precisely, so you can only take my word on it (or not).

But the experience IS unnerving, definitely, especially since it apparently runs in the family. That's why I am exploring it here, and why I'm considering talking to a shrink about it. I'm just not sure what would be the benefit, if I don't expect it to happen ever again (and it only happened once).

BTW, I do appreciate your comments. I can tell that they are written from a caring point of view.

I went to strangle my stepson one but caught myself at the last minute. I think that tells you that you really wouldn't hurt her since you stopped yourself. You may need to be on an antipsychotic or something like that. I'm on abilify and it controls my rage.( I wasn't diagnosed when this happened to me)

I went to strangle my stepson one but caught myself at the last minute. I think that tells you that you really wouldn't hurt her since you stopped yourself. You may need to be on an antipsychotic or something like that. I'm on abilify and it controls my rage.( I wasn't diagnosed when this happened to me)

hotpink, thanks for sharing.

I wonder if you actually lucked out with calling the police department. I know it takes a lot for charges to be pressed, but it seems to me that kids get taken away (sometimes) for much less then a good ass-whooping. I don't know.

As for yelling, yes, it sucks. I remember both my brother and I would have rather taken a good beating than one of my mothers 30 minute tirades. They weren't even yelling as much as just a flood of verbal and emotional abuse.

I have taught my daughter, when she was barely two, to raise her hand and yell "Stop! Don't yell!" (To anyone, not just me.) And she has done that a couple of times, when it was necessary. I was so proud. I was never able to do that as a kid. I figure if she stood up for herself, and managed to "win" (I stop yelling, and she gets an apology and a hug instead), than that's stressful, but hardly scarring, and, if we want to look for a positive, it gives her a feeling that she controls her environment, and that she can control me, not just the other way around. That's a lot of spin, but it certainly beats the alternative.

thanks beckyp

Yes, this happened when I was poorly medicated. Now I am on Seroquel (among other things), and I have zero rage issues. I do get annoyed, and almost angry sometimes. My feelings used to be such an exhausting, heavy, difficult condition. It's much more mellow now. What can I say - I love Seroquel.

I remember I posted a topic just over a year ago about bper's not having children because of this precise thing and I got slammed...that's all I have to say.

Yeah but Artemis, you can't prevent people from having kids.
(BTW - I agree, too many of us are violent).

We could if we had involuntary sterilization.

That is a joke, people. Sort of.