I had my tubes tied when I was quite young for some of the reasons you've mentioned... I think it's admirable that you recognize what you do and don't want... Children deserve to have parents that want to be responsible adults who love and put their needs first.... I had concerns as well and chose not to be a parent....x

Do you regret doing that? I won't tell you how many times I've considered just doing the same so I never have to worry about that uh oh moment.

Sure I have....I'm older now and don't have any family so there's that part of it... however those are reasons for me not the children....I think I made the right choice

We're your stand in family :-) I know at some point this issue is going to be a major thorn in my relationship. My current beau and I differ on the matter of children.

I had a son at 20 and if I knew then what I was going to experience for the rest of my life I would have been much more careful not to get pregnant. He is a beautiful and brilliant 16-yr-old now and has somehow turned out really well, but I honestly don't think I had any business raising a child. Totally by the grace of God that he is who he is.

I have major concerns about having kids.....except that kids are the 1 thing I have wanted my whole life. I know that BP has an 80-90% genetic transmission rate....that's how I got it + the environmental conditions.

I hope that I can get good control of my symptoms, and A) be a stable parent, and B) be in a position to help my kid if they start showing symptoms.

I also know that I would provide a very different parenting style than what was provided to me. My child WILL NOT grow up with the abuse and trauma that I did; and I think that's a big thing. The last factor that I think of surrounding the idea of kids is that I have a great, stable, loving, supportive partner. And I know that he will be there for me and the kids, just like I would be there for him and the kids. A partnership doesn't mean we both give the same amount all the time, but that he gives a little more when I can't, and I give a little more when he can't.

At the moment, that's the best situation I can think of.

I'm wondering if I could be that lucky. I know my boyfriend will make a great dad but I don't think his 'awesomeness' will really combat my awful parenting skills. I baby-sat my cousin's 5 and 8 year old and I don't know how I coped. I mean, I like when a baby smiles at me but when they start crying a I want to go into a corner and block the sound out. With my luck I'd probably have postpartum depression.
I'm really happy for you Blessed.

I think it's really generous of you to not want to pass on the illness if it's inheritable and also generous that you would want to be as responsible to your kids as possible.

I do wonder if I would have been a good Dad. Realistically though I am glad I didn't become a father. The mess that has happened over the years would have put a lot of pressure on them. Perhaps having kids would have made me own my illness a lot sooner and might have inspired me to 'step up' in ways that I might never imagined.

I've found that there is a difference between being thrown in with kids that are older than 1, and raising one from infancy. I only know a little bit about that because of my nursing experiences, since I don't have kids. But anyways, when you have a baby you kind of grow with them. You're not thrown into them being energetic, and trouble-making, and everything. At first, moms and dads and babies sleep a lot, then yes, the babies are fussy, and you learn what each cry means and what to do. And when you can't console your child, you get support from your spouse, friends, family, pediatrician, etc.

Of course everyone deals with stress differently, and not everyone is fit to have children. But the best parents are the ones who put this kind of thought into parenting. Just asking the questions that you are shows how much you care about the possible future of your children.

I've said this before....I'll try to make it short :)

I had a daughter at a young age; gave her up for adoption. 29 years ago...turned out Great, great adoptive parents, no sign of bipolar.

I have a son whom I raised - he's 25 now - he is bipolar 1. We had our ups and downs, SERIOUS ups and downs, I wish I knew more when I was raising him but what parent Doesn't?

I spent a lot of that time unmedicated, though thankfully I don't experience Quite all of the issues some bipolars seem to, in that way....we did move around a lot. And I changed Jobs a lot during that time, though I feel God really watched out for us when things "could" have gotten bad. Things always worked out...


I got a card from him in the mail today - he is "moving again", lol -

"Dear Mom", he said, "Hopefully you get this card while I am still in (state) - I just want to say how lucky I am to have you for a Mother! You're the Perfect Mom for me - as rebellious as I was, you always supported me, never stopped loving me and that means Everything. What I'm trying to say, is Thanks - for You - for Life."


Noooo, I wouldn't trade him for ANYthing, though it was a battle from day one; he's Worth it. Even though we are BOth bipolar.

But maybe I'm just sentimental...it's Hard, really hard, and if you end up with a bipolar child (or any child!!) there are times when you won't think things could Ever be okay.....til all of a sudden they Are.


:)

that is the best story ever, MA! Thank you for sharing it! I've never read wherever you said it before.

Trust your gut instinct if you don't want kids then don't , but don't let fear guide your decision.
I have 3 grown children , and only 1 of my children inherited MI.
Being a parent for me was so hard , challenging but I'm not sure that is all because I was BP , more the way I was raised.
I didn't know how to be a parent , I wish I could go back and be a better parent .

Yup, the idea terrified me when I was a kid myself. The terror has worn off with age and now I'm pretty certain I could handle the responsibility.

Excellent points made from Doormouse...sounds like a good man chasing his dream wherever it takes him.

The world needs it's rebels and I have a sneaking suspicion there's strong rebellious genes within us all. Or what's the point of attitude?

~peace out...in~

When I try to picture the kid of parent I'll be iI just see one big chaotic mess and me smothering them when paranoia hits. I remember the first time my little brother went on a field trip I wrote down so many numbers and details and gave him a bunch of instructions about what to do if he got lost. He thought I was nuts. When we got to the beach I'm too panicked to really have fun with him, if he goes out I keep checking up on him. All my anxiety is gonna be projected on them and that's unfair. And as much as I know my husband
(am I getting ahead of myself here? Lol) will make up for my 'crazy', is it fair to him? My boyfriend doesn't really know what I'm like when BP is in full swing. Your story was so beautiful MA and you are just as lucky to have him as he is to have you but I don't know if I'l be as fortunate and I don't want to be one of those people who treat kids like an experiment. I'd like to say I have years to worry about this but I don't.

You just do the best you can do as each moment comes. That is all you can do. Try not to compare yourself to the perfect mother stereotype. That doesn't help at all and those mothers are not being honest if they pretend all is under control and happy all the time.

I had the same kind of attitude you do about kids. I never thought i would have any..and then when I was 31 my beloved daughter ( who was a surprise pregnancy) was born. It has been on heck of a ride but I learned that once you have a child you put the child first and yourself second. Now of course I put my recovery at the same level. If I am to be a good mother I need to take care of my needs ( meaning I need to manage my illness first as best as I can so that I can mother effectively). But like if my child needs clothing and so do I, I get her the clothes first and I go without if I must. When my child comes home from school, it is my job to mother during that time..like get the meal for her, supervise homework etc...and I have to do that no matter what. So if it is a bad mood day I have to try and handle that while she is at school and when she comes home I switch into mother mode.

Your child is different than other children. You learn that your precious and dear to your heart like nothing you have ever known before. The experience of having a child has brought me a whole new level of love for children in general. I get help with parenting as well thru therapy and that supports me wonderfully.

Good luck and it is okay if you choose not to have children as well.