You have to forgive yourself now and leave all the past stuff behind. Start fresh today and live your true life how you want it. Push through the emotions and get a clean slate. I gave up all my anger to God. I start fresh each day and push a reset button in my brain. I know you can do this. Please get out of this H*** today Sullen. Hugs for you today. You can also lock all the bad thoughts in a box in your brain never to be opened. It is a mindful thing. If you can't go to a therapist, you can buy a book and study Cognitive Behavioral therapy or go online for the exercises and start to practice them. DBT or CBT whichever they have.

I struggle with some of the things I have done in the past.. with healthful learning and healthful living those things do move into the background of my mind. Happiness we deserve and happiness does come back. What I can say to you about the illness that we have is that (as someone very wisely advised me) we must look at our illness as a badge of courage. If we don't we'll never be happy or grow. I hope you can accept your past and move forward, you deserve it! It may be hard now but one step in front of the other and you'll be on your way!

Whenever I have those thoughts of my past mistakes and actions, I pray. About a year ago I heard something on the news that upset me terribly. I couldn't get it out of my thoughts and it was making me sick and miserable. My therapist said to pray every time I had the memories of it and it worked. I still have the memories occasionally, but I'm able to pray them away and they aren't; anywhere near as horrible as they were in the beginning. It's a process. If you don't have a higher power, try positive self talk each time you have the thoughts. I'm sure you can find a book or article on it online. My therapist helped me with positive self talk and it changed my life.

I had the absolute worst episode 4 years back. I had a UTI for a year and a half that lead me into hallucinations,delirium,sepsis. At the same time BP1 episode this lasted 18 months. I almost drank myself to death. I kicked out my husband had an affair. I live in a small community with a small business here. I went crazy in from of the entire town. Lost my business (she's crazy and so on). isolated myself from everything and everyone. The tv people were all talking about me, the radio was singing every humiliating thing I ever done. people were shooting at my house so I was crawling on the floor. There were giant bugs crawling up my walls. Everybody that I called I told them everything bad I ever done including me being molested as a child. Cussed out my mother-in-law with every bad word countless times. I called every boyfriend I ever had from 30 years ago. Made a complete ASS of myself. And worst of all I have NO dignity left to my name. The class reunion was the next year and I had called a state representative, the DA office. were my classmates worked. Cussing at my uncles and aunts 26 of them and cousins told everybody about my personal life and how many lovers I had. That number would make a man feel proud.lol OH YEAH. I ruined my life. There is so much more including me beating everybody at the mental hospital. My brain stopped feeling numb and itching at the same time my memory and faculties came back after 2 years. Then I was angry that there was NO part of my life this horrible episode didn't touch. Then started the long process of trying to repair the damage it had done to me. How unfair my life was. Then I went to therapy and have been since. Things are making sense now. So many people struggle with mental illness and many horrible forms of it. This is just one faucet of mental illness and chances are some of those people that watched the episode unfold seek counseling for intrusive thoughts and their own mental illness that you know nothing about

I only feel that way you do when I put myself on a non mental illness playing field. Like there is nothing wrong with me. Now I see myself with this illness and know I was sick for 18months and with therapy and proper medication my chances of this happening again get much less. It's ok to have BP1. My therapist said memories are like the clouds in the sky they are just passing over your head. Don't focus on them and let them just pass by. Everybody has memories and they are bad ones too. Try to think of your memories before any episodes and how you disposed of them back then. My problem was dealing with the humiliation damage. Now when anybody brings it up I proudly say. " I wear my underwear on the outside of my pants"! so what. what's your secrets.

A great big hug for you, I understand. Many people here had similar things happen to them. You are among friends. Best wishes. (((HUGS)))

You are totally not alone. I am in the process of working/struggling to forgive myself. Many therapy hours have gotten me past some tough stuff. With more to go. Trust me, you will find peace in yourself. It might take more time, therapy, med check, and internal searching, but you will get there. Prayers for peace and strength.

Thank you all so much. BP sucks. It's so painful.

Depression is pain on the inside only you feel and mania is pain on the outside that everyone sees that leads to depression.

I hate this so much.

You are not alone. It has taken years with hard therapy work for me to get through this & sometimes I need to just do my best one day at a time.

Big hug for you Sullen.... I'm sorry that you're struggling sweetie...... Sadly there is almost always a crash after a mania so you may be struggling now with depression

Are you seeing your pdoc regularly?.... If now I would see him/her in case you need a med tweak

I can't afford therapy either.... There are a lot of books on cognitive therapy and this might help you to work on thinking patterns

These are times for baby steps.... what can you do today to help yourself feel better.... What small steps

What is the thinking that you're doing to enrich of help your life right now?.... This is hurting you and holding you back.... This is no good

I would also see about getting a book on dealing with unhealthy guilt and shame.... There may even be a book about these aspects of bipolar disorder??....Not sure

However dealing with these emotions in extremes will do nothing good for you just hold you back from healing

Gentle hug and a blessing......xo

Unhealthy guilt and shame

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/copingwithdepression/2018/02/when-feelings-of-guilt-and-shame-overwhelm-you-when-depressed/