I allow myself some self pity. A day or so hiding under the covers, crying. Then I make myself get up and fix it!

I think a little pity helps. It helps me. I can sit and think about all the crappy things in my life, and that helps me to know what I need to fix.

Yep me too. It gives me that kick in the rump to go do what I need to do.

My self pity turns into a nightmare if i let it.

Mine can too. It did for 40 years. But one day, somehow, I realized I'm the only one that can help me. I still allow myself bad days, but then I have to get up and get it all done!

I will say some days the only thing that makes me get up and do stuff is for my kids. They only have me to depend on so if I fail I'm not failing just myself I'm failing them too.
If it were just me, I would be in bed now, or hiding under my desk.

Heretic~~

After pondering your post, I decided I really don't like that word -- "pity." I think I'll have to add it to my list of four-letter words to avoid (like "fair.") I guess I don't feel particularly virtuous if I feel empathy for another because it's not about me.

If directed toward myself, I like to think of those supportive, empathetic feelings as love. Now that's a four-letter word that belongs on the "use often" list! So .... if you feel pity for yourself, I don't think its a character flaw .... I think its self love and can be very healthy.

I don't know. Since I've gotten sick I often have self pity. But have found it difficult to have pity for others. I think if I should have to carry on and do things that are becoming more difficult for me (like keep working) then everyone else should have to as well. I run into so many people that have difficulties in their lives. But they just give up. Yet, I'm supposed to carry on! It just makes me really mad. Now, if I see someone who is having difficulties and is trying to carry on, like I am, then I do feel pity for them. Just not for people who just give up and then want everything done for them.

Its because society wants us to help others and not ourselves. All part of that pick yourself up by your bootstraps crap.

So its OK for us all to feel pity for you, but not OK for you to feel pity for yourself. You can pity me, but I can't pity me. Weird, but those seem to be the rules.

Does feeling pity for yourself help you at all? For me, I find a pity party can be OK for a while, but then I need to kick myself to try yet again to pick my self up by my bootstraps or the self pity drags me down further into depression and hopelessness. I find that actually pushing myself to do things towards achievements, not matter how small, actually helps my mood.

How is it with you?

I personally don't like the word self pity. It is negative to me. I don't want self pity that always makes me feel shameful and invalidated as a person. I didn't know that though for a long time. That is something I had to learn in therapy. I have to watch myself also because sometimes when I am unmindful in a situation I fall back into that train of thought..."oh whoa is me". ..and believe me I do that regularly. But when I see that ( by myself or someone points it out to me) I try to repharse my need. Like just acknowledging the feeling that comes over me and letting wave over me (while remembering where I am at) or praying for help to get through the moment in a healthy way. Sometimes I take klonopin if I can't let a thought be just a thought.

Compassion is what I really I want from people. People who will listen and understand. Try to connect. I think when I realized that it helped me with my respect issues for myself. I really didn't like myself. But everybody needs support and a compassionate person to listen is like balm to the soul.

because so few are actually separated enough from their own pity and misery to even bother thinking about others.

ds is a perfect example.
there are 10 threads on the board right now from people describing their own misery.
there is 1 thread from someone looking to help someone else through the same said misery.
10 to 1 in favour of `self' over `others'
yup, that sounds right.

My above statement didn't come out right.

When said I need to repharse my need is when I remember to tell myself I need someone to listen compassionately to me. Not pity me. Because the word pity triggers me and when I am triggered by that or other words that have brought shame up in me ( that I have used to describe myself ~to myself~ with) I have to try and act by doing the skills I described like acknowledging the emotion, letting it wave over me, prayer, or a klonopin if nothing works.

Thanks for letting me clarify...my words sometimes come out in assorted order and I need to get them straight. :)

Depression can certainly be a trigger for self pity.. . I agree with Mojo as well.. we can get lost in it..
If we get 'stuck' there nothing good can come of it.. we never move forward...Therapy can help with this heretic.. they may not be able to give you the caretaker you want but they can help with these feelings... they can be overwhelming... perhaps feeling better about yourself will be a huge step in moving forward and finding that special partner you want...xo

well, to be fair, some people don't believe in pitying others because they believe it enables them to do self-destructive things. I think sometimes that can be true; I think you can be compassionate without enabling people.

I think also self-pity kind of goes against the sort of all-American "Can-do" mindset, which is good at times but other times merciless. People see it as weakness.

Self-pity can be really damaging and self-perpetuating though. For me, it goes hand in hand with depression and is often toxic and induces despair.

It's an empathy for someone else in pain.

I view pity as a form of love, just like mercy. I think self-love includes giving yourself the pity, mercy and gentleness that we would hope to get from others. I just think it's crazy to pity others but be merciless to yourself.

You need to feel pity for yourself when someone did something bad to you, but not because of who you are