Linas........yes I have a pdoc. Well, I see my pnurse more often. She is wonderful and knows all about the thoughts and agrees that I would never act on them. xox

Ruby...........it means a lot to me to hear you say those words. Thank you, my friend. Smooches.

Ele...........I do have OCD. Thanks for your support!! xox

Hanna.........thank you for your lovely comment. I appreciate it and I appreciate you as a person. You are fabalous!! xox

April...........I have little ways that I deal with the thoughts within myself. I will click my teeth to the tune of some song I am making up in my head sometimes humming it and I will count the clicks or the rhythm beats of the song. The more anxious I get, the more I click my teeth and count. I used to clean until my back became so bad with the pain that I couldn't anymore.

Brian...........thank you for your wonderful comment about me. I felt like a chicken when I clicked add. I almost wanted to tuck my tail betwixt my legs and run away!! LOL.

TLT............Thank you, sweetie for speaking of my courage. I want to commend you for airing your dirty laundry so to speak. You were/are very brave also. I do not bathe Dillon and feel funny even changing his diaper at times. I am the one who changes him most because I do the best job and he doesn't put up a fuss with momma cause momma knows how to do it without upsetting him as Jim and Tootie do at times. If the thoughts ever get really bad though, I will relinquish this responsiblity to them. The thoughts do come and go seemingly with my menstrual cycle as I tend to get manic before and half way through my menses. If the thoughts get too bad for you to handle, please consider seeing a therapist. It really helps me to put things in perspective to talk to people about it. My hubby is usually the first to know. Take care honey. xox

Kimmy...........Thanks for your support honey. I do have OCD. I promise to not think of you as a serial killer!! LOL. It's amazing the depths of sickness our brains can take us to sometimes. Brrrrr!!

Fish...........I do have the Pure O. as well as PTSD. What you describe is exactly what I am going through. Thanks for your support. xox

Little Pink Piggy............you are describing my process to a T. As my mania heightens, the thoughts become worse and worse especially as my body ramps toward time for my period to start and for a couple of days after I start. It sucks!! Thank you darlin for supporting me. I appreciate you!! xox

Well you deserve to be treated well...these thoughts will come to an end with proper treatment you will see.

I remember reading about Brooke Shields when she was first a Mom she had horrible visions of throwing her babies across the room to hit the wall. She was very disturbed by these thoughts but she got help and spoke openly about post-partum depression. Now look at her...she did a very brave thing in coming out about post-partum. Think about her and how things worked out for her...the same can happen to you. You are doing all the right things by talking about it and sharing your concerns.

I love all of you.

J..........thank you for your support. I will think about Brooke Shields. I have had the violent thoughts as well just not as bad as the other ones. My T says I am not going to really get any better until I confront my daddy. I just don't know if I can do that or not. He will be dead and gone in a few years from emphysema and maybe the thoughts will lessen and/or go away then. I dunno..........

Blondie..........my Seroquel helps a lot with the thoughts. I am currently on Effexor XR, Luvox, Buspar, Lamictal, Risperdal and the Seroquel. Thanks for your support.

Two..........thanks for your lovely words. You are such a good friend and person especially a mom. Big hugs and love to you!!

Christa.........I do think the thoughts are the OCD, but I was thinking the actual delusion is me thinking I am a pedophile for instance just because I touch Dillon to play with him, Tickle, pat his back or rub it, etc. I know I am not, but it just pops into my head when I am doing playing with him that the reason is not because I love him but because I am a child molester. Make sense? Thanks for your continued support, darlin. You are wonderful!!

I love you, sweetie. We are going to be alright!! Have to be!!

Don't be ashamed; there is no reason to be ashamed.
You know what? I think everybody, and I mean everybody, has thoughts like these, or something similar, in their mind. These thoughts can centre around children other adults that you know or absolute strangers. These thoughts can be sexual, homocidal or along some other line of socially unacceptable behaviour.
The real point is that they are thoughts not actions! I think they are part of the human condition. For beepers, these thoughts may occur more often in certain states of mind.
I have shocked my husband with some of the thoughts I vocalize when I am sick with depression. We were once looking out the window at the back neighbour and I just blurted out that i wished I had a shotgun! The look on his face was priceless! To this day I have no idea why I said that.
Susan

You are one of the bravest people I know to reveal such a personal aspect of your bi polar.....and it is I believe, part of your bi polar.

I too have had intrusive thoughts about things I would never do. I have an 18 year old son who does not live with me, but this summer he had grown so much it caused me tension. Not sexual but just an nervousness to be around him...but i digress...

I have a friend who is male who is just like you. He thinks he is a monster although he has done nothing. I'm convinced this is due to untreated mental illness and also side effects from other meds in some situations..

You know in your heart you would not touch your child and if you don't know this for sure and some thought or delusion is telling you that...ponder it for a moment but move on. Thoughts sometimes come to us we don't want. What are we suppose to do about that? Let them float by like clouds and breath and pray and meditate on goodness and light.

....your going through a hard time but I do not think less of you, in fact I believe you are healthy for being aware of it.....

God Bless.

i agree wioth everyone else, you are so brave, we love you Chelle and would never think any less of you because of these thoughts, i have had thoughts of this nature too and they disturb me a lot, i still have them and my children are teenagers now, it really upsets me, but i realize they are just thoughts and not actions, i have never been brave enoguh to admit this to anyone, i don't have any advice to add, just my love and admiration for you
hugs
Andrea

Susan............thank you for your support. I get the thoughts about almost everybody at times, but worse with my baby I guess because I have to be so hands on with him most of the time unless I leave parts of his care to other family members. It has definitely caused me to distance myself from him at times. I get the violent thoughts at times too. Like what if I hit that runner with my car or while I am rubbing the cat with my foot how easy it would be to break it's neck. Crazy shit like that. It's no fun to say the least. xox

Penny..........thank you for your kind words. I do ponder it and let it float on by and try to do that each time. I do not waller in it. Can't. Would be really crazy then. I'm crazy enough already. LOL.

sbrake, I kinda get a kick outta freakin' my boyfriend out now and then. I have a very dark humored group of friends, so when I can shock them with a bluntly stated desire to rip the vocal chords out of the annoying dog across the street and hand deliver the voice box to the owner as they're still uttering faint yelps... I get some wide eyed looks that get me to stutter and shush up from embarrassment, yet later, I smile broadly at the thought they I freaked 'em out.

Andrea..........I didn't have thoughts like these when my older children were young, but now I do about all three kids at times. The youngest the worst though because I spend so much time with him. I admire you for admitting the thoughts here. Thank you for your super kind words to me. I love you girl. We gonna be a'ight.

Michelle...agree about the OCD speculation, most likely not psychosis. Were you abused as a child?
Going to tell you something that will sound crazy (who me, crazy?? :-)
For about 20 yrs. now I have done this mental trick with "unwanted thoughts". I picture gathering up the thought together...like a comic strip balloon, then shoot it up into the sky. Once it's up there I trigger an explosion that blows the thought up, and sends it into a million pieces, never to return. I swear it works for me and worst case scenario, can't hurt.
Sounds like you could really use some peace of mind...hope it works for you too.

I like your style Bobbi :D


And I also thank everyone for adding their posts with care and helpfulness. Most of all, thank you Chelle for posting the topic

*hugs to all*

I agree that you're very brave to come forward with this. That said I have no real advice for you other than to stick with the seroquel and know that it will pass.

Sorry you have such a painful problem. I don't know whether it's delusional or psychotic; I don't think it's delusional though. I thought delusions were distorted unrealistic thoughts. This sounds more like intrusive obsessive thoughts.

I am gonna just put this out there Chelle and no am not obviously a pdoc so take from it what you will. . . .

You say that your therapist says you aren't gonna get better until you confront your dad and yes I do agree but being a childhood survivor who in fact did confront her main abuser (my brother) and having it backfired then a few years down the line I just got to say this. I confronted my idiot brother when I was 31 or 32 cant remember and then 3 years later when I slid all the way down into hell he took back what he had said openly and said nope he didnt do any of it I had made it all up. It was like reliving it all again and fucked me up I swear even worse. I now wish instead of having confronted him head on I had written it all out to him and waited. Would I have ever gave it to him ? I don't know but I would have at least gotten it out and perhaps thats all that needs to really be done . . . . Just a thought