I really suggest some sort of counseling, you have more issues than can be dealt with otherwise. I understand though I really do the self loathing thing too. Try to get your mind off yourself and on other pple. do some volunteer work, do something nice for someone for no reason.

I'm so sorry that you were sexually abused, that's awfull. I know that must be hard to live with.

I guess no one is reading my suicidal comment.

I am super critical of my body, I think I always will be. But the guys I go for are pretty average and my girlfriends too, I mean they are beautiful to me, but they are no super models. No I think they are gorgeous the way they are.

But me? Not so much. I have bad complexion and I gained weight a few years ago and I've lost it, but my body doesn't look the same and I think it's ugly.

Ya the answer to everything I write here is go to counseling. I can't go until the 15th.

I'm sorry that I bring it up to everyone here.

Umm I read your comments.

What would you like me to say?

I responded with something I hoped would be encouraging. Sorry it wasn't what you wanted to hear.

No it's completely appropriate for what I have posted here, I just made a comment on here instead of making a new post which I should have done because it was serious and no one picked up on it. But you didn't do anything wrong, I assure you. I appreciate your advice.

Sorry I made you think otherwise.

Well you've gotten some good advice here, whether or not you do anything with it is up to you.

Yes, I agree, I got a lot of good advice and I am grateful for that, so thank you.

grenadine, I actually relate to you quite a bit.

Someone brought up the point that things get easier with age, and for a very long time, I thought the same thing. But now I'm older, and some things are harder :P

So confusing...

Anyways, no offense taken here :)
I haven't read anything that suggests you don't deserve to live.
You've been through some heavy stuff and you're conflicted, but you can work through that.

Take care~

Oh that's a bummer that things get harder. I guess I'll figure that out when I get there. Thanks a bunch for your advice. I hope things get easier for you too as you go on.

I have to try to sleep, it's not working but I have to keep trying.

Greenadine, it may be true that as we get older some things get harder, but we have a heap more experience, open-mindedness and outright TOOLS to deal with greater complexity, so don't think it's going to be all "pushin' shit uphill". Also, we get better looking, present more confidently and feel more comfortable in our own skins, which is appealing to others. As for guys telling you to lose weight to look more like a model, with age we recognise what a shallow moron looks like, and confidently, without batting an eyelid tell him to get on his bike, and fuck off!

By the way, I studied ballet (3 or 4 lessons a week) for 13 or so years. I'll bet, you are fit, flexible, strong and unfortunately exposed to heaps of body dysmorphic mentality. Classical ballet particularly expects girls to be thin to the point of amenorrhea. Subsequently, older dancers have horrible problems with osteoporosis..

Try and be kind to yourself. I am sure you are much more beautiful than you realise... (hugs)

:) Thank you. That's what I should have done, I should have told him to get on his bike and go... especially since he's an avid bike rider.

Ballet is not too bad, it's a college course, not at a real studio or anything. However my new friend from that class is perfectly skinny and I have to look at myself dancing next to her every time. I don't know if I inspires me to lose weight or it just makes me feel so bad about my body that I feel I need to lose weight.

But you're right, I'm probably beautiful... I just wont let myself believe that, I try sometimes to tell myself that I am, but those negative voices come back sometimes when I look in the mirror and they just tear me apart.

It's silly. And hurtful.

Instead of thinking, in time I will be more accepting of who I am, I think, in time I will lose the amount of weight I want and I will work out and I will look the way I want to look.

I do look forward to being older and having more confidence and experience. They say the 20's are tough.. especially the early 20s.

Thanks for your positive outlook.

I think the cliche "Beauty starts from within" rings true. So many of these models are strung out on one thing or another, their problems lie within themselves. Recently saw one of the saddest movies ever on Gia Carangi, one of the first of the supermodels. If you think beauty equals happiness then I suggest you watch this movie.
Until you truly feel good about yourself as a person on the inside, I believe you will continue to have a skewed vision of yourself on the outside.
Please try to remember, you are one of the nicest, most supportive and gracious members on the forum. You are also very brave in sharing your feelings with other members.

Well hey, you just warmed my heart.

I think maybe I worry so much about my outer appearance because I have nothing going on inside. I am just so unimpressed with myself and my life. I think I have to forget my past all together because I used to have things going to for until I started to go into depression for the first time.

But, I think I was worrying about my appearance back when I was in junior high. I took a picture of myself in a bathingsuit front, side and back as a before picture... I was determined to lose all the fat on my body. Looking back at that middle school picture... I was so thin and beautiful! I guess my perception has always been skewed. The look on my face in that picture was so sad and depressed. I feel like I have a virus or something... a mental virus that keeps me away from self love and happiness. I think my Dad started that virus from when I was born. I'm pretty sure he's messed up in the head.

Sorry if I talk too in depth about whats going on with me.... I am always like that. I mean, why not? We are all here to understand and help each other. Not only on this forum but in the world.... or it ought to be that way.

I think I ought to watch that movie...