Hope you dumped the jerk who said you should loose weight to look like a super model. Shite, supermodels don't look like they do without an awful lot of airbrushing. Not that you read them but if you do I think fashion magazines can be just terrible for young women's self-esteem, many are not even aware of how insidious and deceitful the ads contained in such mags are.

It is a good point about having at least being pointing in the right direction at a fairly young age. I think most of us who weren't so luck did a fair abount of damange to others or ourselves before we started to get at least a little more on track with a proper diagnosis. I think a lot of self esteem issues take a long time to work out unfortunately. It take aging and maturity to some degree. I know as I got older it's gotten better just because you tend to give less of a crap what people think, become more of your own person. It just takes some of us longer. While it may always be hidden there inside it won't always come to rule over you. Be patient, find little goals and take it one step at a time.

It's true, they are re-done and reformed into what the ad wants by a computer program. I've seen it done, there's a video on youtube about it. It starts out with an average looking girl with decent bone structure and nice hair and they put tons of makeup on her and do her hair all nice and take pictures of her. Then they take the picture, put it on photo shop and make her neck taller, her eyes further apart, her nose smaller, her cheek bones higher, her face a slightly different shape and then it's finished and then they show it as it is on a billboard somewhere. Crazy.

But the Victoria's Secret models on the runway and in commercials... I'm sure they have make up on but I don't think they air brush them to look like that. I think that's what he was referring to. He went on to insult me and my body more too.... We were on again off again and finally called it quits because he's going away to school soon and we can't keep it up. But our little farewell brought me into shock and just an ill frame of mind, which I am still recovering from.

So he just confirms the voices in my head telling me I'm ugly. Now, I find it hard to open up to a guy again. But that's okay, after what happened with him, I decided to be celibate. I'm getting myself a nice promise ring.

Thanks Ondy. That's good advice. Hehe, when I read your post I imagined the voice to be like someone from south park. Lol I couldn't help it with the icon right there and everything....

There was a thread on the Victoria Secrets thing on TV, saw a clip on youtube from the link. The overuse of make up made some of the women look like men in drag. Not to offend anyone but I found the parts that I saw kind of this quite grotesque and not even remotely attractive.

hahah that's funny. I didn't even watch the runway show... I didn't think it would be wise for me to do so.

Take no notice of all the airbrushed made up diet crap, its all designed to make you feel so insecure you buy what they tell you to make yourself acceptable.

You already ARE acceptable.

Be happy in your body and don't settle for a relationship with anyone fixated on falseness.

The recovery from rape doesn't happen immediately and I would recommend calling a hotline like RAINN for comfort whilst waiting for your therapist.

I found my bipolar stabilised after I had therapy for past trauma.

Good on you for posting here!

Maybe I should write a new post for this, but I feel like I have been writing on the board too much.

I feel really low, it happened all the sudden. Maybe it's because it rained today and I was in the house all day. But most days I get pretty depressed, depressed enough to freak out with anxiety and I feel like I just would rather not be living.

That's how I feel right now. I would just rather nor be living right now, I feel so down and depressed.

If I were to make a new post for this, the subject would be - I need help.

I feel like I want to go to a ranch and tend to the horses and farm and go to therapy and groups and stay there until I am better.

I'm not going to the hospital tonight or any time soon for that matter.

My chest feels heavy and my face is blank and sorrowful.

I have school tomorrow and will be hanging out with my friend Sydonee and then I'm hanging out with my friend Zane later. How could I tell them what I'm feeling? Sydonee won't want me to move in with her and I just dont want to be that girl to Zane.

Anyway, I thought you guys might be there for me right now and that would help.

I used to live my life much more depressed than this and everyone except my family at home thought I was fine.

I understand how you feel. I seem to have so many issues, and I feel awful about myself. I was sexually abused as a child, and I never learned how to care for myself or to protect myself. I've done some things, gotten myself into situations where it's unbelievable that I haven't been murdered yet. One time, a drunk stranger knocked on my door at 3 am, and I let this guy into my house. We talked for a bit, and then he convinced me to follow him to his house to watch a movie. He ended up telling me that a demon possessed him at night and made him do "bad things" to people, and then told me he had changed his mind and urged me to leave before he lost control. That's just one story of many where I really should have ended up dead in a ditch somewhere.

I often loath myself. I think I'm ugly and overweight and damaged and don't understand how anyone could truly care for me, when I can't even care for myself. I go through periods where I stop taking my meds and stop seeing counselors. It's almost like self-sabotage. I then feel responsible for everything I struggle with.

Now that my new doctor is thinking I'm bipolar... I don't know. It just seems unbelievable that I can have even more problems. Of course, the media makes Bipolar seem like something it isn't. I was just watching a comedy last night where a character said "I'm not bipolar" and then started laughing, followed by crying, followed by anger. That's what I thought Bipolar meant, major and sudden mood swings.

It's really helped me to read the discussions here, though. A lot of members struggle with some of the same issues I do, and it's given me a better understanding of the illness.

I hope that you can eventually get the treatment you need to be gentle with yourself and live a happy and healthy life. In the meantime, just know that the bad phases eventually pass. There were times when I didn't believe that, but as dark as my life can sometimes get, there are always times when I find my way out of the darkness and am grateful I was able to get through it and experience happiness for a while.

Try not to judge yourself too harshly. You're not alone.

Yeah, well it can be good to know you have a diagnosis so all the crazy things can be explained, it's because you have a chemical imbalance. Bur then you have bipolar disorder for the rest of your life and that sucks.

Maybe I should have made a new post instead of typing it our on this thread, no one seems to notice about the suicidal thoughts. Well, typing it all out made me feel a tad better.

It's ok that you didn't make another thread about the suicidal issues. It's my fault for not reading the thread entirely through (I've had a hard time concentrating today).

What medications are you on right now, grenadine? Antidepressants have never really helped me too much during times of crisis, but benzo's are a good temporary fix. Too much untreated anxiety can lead to severe depressive episodes with suicidal urges (at least for me).

I take Xanax for panic and anxiety, but it also helps when I'm feeling suicidal. If the urges are really strong, I'll take 2 to 3 times the normal dosage and it makes me feel calm and content.

I'm not sure what other advice to give, as I haven't yet figured out a good way to get deal with suicidal episodes myself, beyond binge drinking or using recreational drugs. I would suggest trying to get out of the house for a bit, though I understand that anxiety can make that extremely difficult. Is there a restaurant you could go to or a movie you want to see?

Oh, and sometimes cleaning the house can make me feel better. It can burn off some of the energy from anxiety, as well as give me a sense of control over my environment. It also makes me feel less "lazy" and "worthless" which is how I tend to see myself when I'm extremely depressed/suicidal.

Thanks for being my friend. I think I'll take an anti anxiety pill.

I was admittedly hesitant to reply to this as there are 30 replies and I suspect you've been given loads of excellent advice and encouragement.

But let me ask you a question, if I may...

What do you base 'attractiveness' on? Is it aesthetics, or do you look beyond physical appearance?

Because I have struggled my entire life with self esteem issues, and at 32 years old, I'm just now going, wait a minute.... why am I more critical of my own image than I am of others? And do I really want to be wanted by someone doesn't have the capacity to look beyond what's on the surface?

I cannot say I love myself.... I'm not even sure it's a level of progression I'm capable of. But I have discovered the more I open my mind, and the more accepting I become of OTHERS.... the more accepting I become of myself.

This is just my experience, I'm not sure if it's in any way helpful or even applicable to your situation. And even with what little progress I have made, I expect this to be a lifelong struggle. But nothing changes unless we are willing to advocate change.

I haven't watched television in over two years now because I recognize how it negatively impacts my life. I wish I wasn't the way I am, but what can I do other than accept it and adapt?

Anyways, bit of a rant there!

There is no easy solution.... but it sounds to me like you are aware of certain things that tend to drag you down. Now you just need to find the strength/courage to let them go.

Hugs to you, I wish you the best :)