k..well good luck.

are you going to be okay?

can you stay somewhere else, would that be possible...or could that help?

can you speak with ...your Creator?

you know, to be really honest, i was feeling guilty today for , being a little harsh.

like, i got pretty upset with someone, my ex, and i know i need to forget all of it, but because he hurt me so badly, i had those ideations. i would never do anything like that.

but just having the ideation made me feel like a terrible person.
i'm sorry i did. i don't feel that way now. but i need to be more careful with myself.

do you have anywhere you could stay, or a family member or friend to call?

everyone is asleep...and 500 miles away...and even if they were here to stay with...it's not anger that sets me off. I didn't even know the lady in the bathroom. this urge came out of thin air. it's proximity. if they are close enough for me to reach out and touch..then there's a chance for the "bell" to go off.

that sounds awful. i really am sorry you are dealing with this, i don't know what else to say.

i always felt this ideation but i never had the urge to act anything out like that whatsoever.


it's like i have tried to push images like that out of my mind before, because i experienced trauma as a result of abuse.

i know that. and i know i wouldn't act. but the fact that something like that has the ability to cross my mind, is scary enough for me.
i can't imagine actually feeling like doing something.

i mean, i didn't feel it always, just barely...towards the end. i'm sure it was a good thing we broke up. it was too intense.

i can't be involved in anything like that again.


i need to be stable. and if there is ever anyone else, they need to be helping my situation, not confusing me at every turn.


i hope that you find better help, and that someone will take you seriously.

what do you mean, "the other," who or what is "the other?"

the thought, the urge, whatever pushes me to want to attack people. The otherness ....the contestent for the price of my freedom..I almost lost to her today. and I was stuck in that bathroom line and I couldn't leave or get away.

I'm wondering why you want to know...not that I doubt your kindness...but you have PSTD....same as me....if this is triggering you...shouldn't you not want to know or somthing?

well you got to get help woman.

you need to go to the e.r.

I do want to go to a hospital, but the problem is I don't know which one would be best. I've got two to chose from...and I'm not sure if my hubby would take me to either one of them. I need to talk to a crisis line...but they are for people who are suicidal and I'm not.,,I'm not even drepssed...technically.

heck..I'm calling them anyway.