If you want to ramble and sound off I'm available. I'm there right now myself. So off load, it helps me cope when I'M HELPING PEOPLE. I'm a single parent with an Autistic son and I've been single for a long time, suicide is out of the question because of him, my wonderful amazing different son.
I have it planned to the last detail, when he is old enough to live independantly I can have rest at last. So c'mon off load my friend.

thanks sniffbat, i'm just trying to deal with being totally alone in this city. and i'm so sick - i can feel it - i'm not thinking well. i could never bring myself to go to a hospital, not even sure where i'd go. i doubt i'll even go to the pdoc before my next appt in 3 weeks. i have to pull myself together. i have to go back to work on monday and i want to feel ok.

the pdoc doubled my dosage of seroquel almost 2 weeks ago and i don't think it was a good thing. so i cut it back last night. i wish to god i was mentally stable

how do you stop thoughts from replaying over and over and over?

Sorry my friend but I have'nt a fucking clue. Every mistake I've made repeates every day. Some days I remember things that went arong when I WAS A KID.
The offer to ramble is still open, I can help others but me helping me seems to be out of the question. You are only alone in your city, here you are part of something good, something that can be brilliant, like you can be.
Do you know how many people here beleive in you, you are worth something that is priceless. I promise you that I will visit this site more often and be here for you if you want.

its hard to know i don't have anyone to visit anymore. no one who cares about me. my life has gotten steadily worse over the years and i can't think of suicide but i really just wish it was over. i'm so tired of going through the motions when there hasn't been any joy in life EVER. i'm sick and sad and want it to be over

Sorry my friend, I want to keep in touch tonight but's 3AM here and I need to sleep. I have to get up for my son soon. Do me a big favour and be here tomorrow. Please, I will try to help.

Why did you cut back the seroquel? I don't think it was a good idea to do that without consulting your pdoc.

We all make mistakes in our lives but it doesn't mean we deserve to suffer. You are not a bad, worthless person. You deserve to be here just as much as anyone else.

i don't feel like a bad or worthless person at all. i'm just in pain and i want the pain to stop.

I take Geodon and Wellbutrin along with Seroquel at night to sleep. i was taking 50mg and the doc upped it to 100mg thinking that might help level out my moods. but it actually made me sleep less instead of more. and it made it harder to think clearly, i could tell. so i went back to taking 50mg and actually slept better last night

i know you're making sense towritegina, i should want help, and i do, but it's such an ordeal to go to the clinic. it's two different buses to get there and then lots of waiting when all i want to be doing is hibernating at home. i can see this excuse is senseless when i'm this bad off, guess i'll be making that phone call monday.

agree with towrite here.....

no other advice, but maybe some comforting words, that I have been there as well, not so long ago.....


and I am still here.......

doing better......

xoxo

Sniffbat, I relate to what you said about living for your son.

But you do realize that a parents job is never actually done until nature forces you to die. You will never stop worrying over your son and your son will never stop needing you. You wont be able to rest until the big dirt nap forces you to against your will. or in your case with your hasty permission.

But you did bring up a good point about helping people

Heretic you've been having great difficulties for a while. I've noticed it seems that you are down a lot and struggling very hard.

I'm not sure how useful it will be to you but what sniffbat said about helping others is actually kind of useful and a good idea. I think that if you start to focus on helping some one it may both help you take your mind off your thoughts but you might just make a friend. It will also give you a purpose and raise your self esteem.

Sounds like a tall order? I'm not asking you to donate your life savings or even to save the world. You can start with very small things. You have to be on the look out, people in need are every where. And I'm not talking about the needy, all humans are needy in some way. I'm talking about going out of your way to help some one with out them even having to ask for it.

You will make both them and your self feel better. You don't have to go out of your way, you can just do it when you notice some one needs help with something. As long as you can actually be of help to them. If it's something you can't help with then you may have to either find some one who can help if you know some one who can or hope that some one who can help steps up on their own.

And a good example of how I help people is this,

since I live in the city local corner stores seem to be every where for the convenience of the locals. How ever many of these stores are small and not designed with the handy capt in mind.

Our corner store is like that, it's at the top of steps and there is no way some one in a wheel chair could ever get up them.

well I was in line at the corner store. I happened to look out the glass door and saw a gentle man in a wheel chair. He was amish and he was looking in the window with a look on his face that just said, please some one notice me and help me. Most people up north have an attitude of minding there own business and not getting involved in anything.

As soon as I saw him I dropped every thing and ran out the door. I asked him if there was something he needed in the store. I was a mess though he had a list of things he wanted (food primarily). I had to check and see if they had what he wanted. And then I kept forgetting what he told me since he had a list. I was running back and forth but hey he was patient with me.

I was also surprised that he trusted me with money up front. It's not really wise to trust any one in the city. Especially since some of these people are slick and know where the back door is.

But any how he handed me the money and I got every thing he asked for. He thanked me and told me how beautiful I was, which means something considering that he is from another culture. One that doesn't really agree with our dress code or way of life in general. And the fact that it was a bold face flattery in my opinion I know what I look like.

But I'm glad I was there at the exact moment that he needed me. I'm not sure any one else would have bothered to drop what they were doing just to help him considering I wasn't the only one there and every one elses was just ignoring him, even though it was obvious he needed something.

Who knows how long he would have had to wait or suffer. And he isn't the only one. I see people all the time having a bad day, being frustrated or who needs help in some small or mundane way that no one ever things about. I've already helped people get out of parking tickets, and resolved fights. I don't let people walk around with boogers or toilet paper stuck to their shoe. If some one needs some change I give it to them.

You don't know whose life you might save. And you might not ever realize you helped save it. But just by doing these little things it will help you so much. It will make you feel better about your self, and give some purpose and meaning back into your life.

And you might make a real friend in the process.

Until then though hang in there and keep talking.

Of course I also think you might benefit from a med adjustment. Chemical imbalance can really suck. I've suffered with self care in the past. I went for a week with out bathing never cleaned my house, and almost ended up homeless because of it.

Hugs, Eka.

I think you need to make it your goal to take those two buses to the clinic. You will feel like you accomplished something at least.

sitting around ruminating is the WORST thing you can do for depression. Bring a magazine or a book to read. A puzzle, anything to distract you.

You have been down a while and it won't get better without some action. hugs.

If you can force yourself to the clinic sweetie... it may be the start of wellness for you... we are the only ones that can take these steps...I hope you'll try your darnedest.. I know you've been suffering for some time now... big hug of comfort for you..x

The more you wait, the longer you are prolonging your pain. I take two buses to see my Dr and its so worth it. He gets me out of my shit pretty quickly. He also genuinely cares about me. He has been out on vacation and I miss him because I need to talk to him. His doctor that is covering is just worthless,
But I digress, Sit in your pain if you want to, at this point I think you do, Or get off your ass and get some damn help

I thought this thread died or I would've posted an update. I'm sorry I worry people. I feel bad about that. I talked to my pdoc yesterday (monday) and got a med adjustment and an appt in two weeks to see how it's working. I do feel a tiny bit better, just being proactive made me feel better, like I'm doing something, trying something. I'm still struggling to be honest, I know I've posted several times about it. Sorry. I can tell you're all sick of hearing it.