i can't force myself to do anything. i don't want to eat or bathe or leave the apt. i can't stand the thoughts that keep going around and around in my head, it's like i'm torturing myself and can't stop. the thoughts literally make me feel like physically puking. and i can't make them stop.

i hate my life, hate all the things i've done these past few years, hate where i live, hate living alone, haven't been thinking about suicide in a while but i'm getting that tired of living feeling again. mostly it's the thoughts that torture me - if they would stop i could have some peace.

my only 3 friends all moved to different states recently, just my f'd up luck, so now i'm really feeling more alone than I have in years. and it hurts. i have so little to live for it feels like i'm just wasting time living in pain until the day i can die and be free of this misery. i'm so sick right now i can barely think and i know this is rambling. i'm just sick sad and sorry about everything.