So....CO Medicaid cut me off at the beginning of OCT 2017 and I got it back NOV 2017. But I did run out of my meds in the beginning of OCT. I didnt realize how manic I really was until I was without them. Talking fast, thinking fast, staying up for long hours or sleeping all the time (sometimes both....because society...lol) Oh my gawd. It was and still is mania right now. I already had all of my medications filled but I'm still a maniac. (Literally). I spoke with my counsler about it and she made notes for the psychiatrist to read over. I guess I didnt understand it until I was completely out of my meds. Now that I know what to look for, I'm completely all over the board. It's rather fusterating. Sure, I try to keep my head up and sure it feel's okay but then there is that "Downfall" that literally makes one come crashing to the ground. (Or as Katy Perry puts it). I'm not ganna lie, I'm a female and its getting to "that time of the month" so I have all the signs, the pain, the joys/the sadness, and more. It's worse than that meme the says something about 'when I tell a story, be prepared for 17 other stories and 65 distractions' or so. But now, slowly, it is transitioning to the down side, the pain, the hurt, the depression. It's hard. It's hard to keep a smile on my face (Because I work at a retail store) and go through the day without the pain, mostly physical but mental too. 

I was having a talk with someone that is temp. staying with us said that I am not a "Outsider, Scape goat," and so on. I was just appauled. The only thing I could say at that moment was "You are stupid." In which case then I was enraged. From the time I can remember, I was never accepted by other children. I didnt get a single friend until 7th grade. I was a loner and everyday kids teased me, spit at me, kicked me, tripped me, and then on top of that, durring a perioud of this, I was also being abused at home. I never really fit in with the country or the city kids. The good or the bad. The pretty or the ugly. I tried like hell to fit in, even going as far as dressing like them, acting like them, dancing like them. But in the end, I was still ostracized. Even by adults. More often than not, if something went wrong, I was blamed for it. I tried everything, even researched on, how to fit in. Even today, I still can't and don't fit in. But in a sense, I've accepted it. It just absolutly enraged me that someone would go as far, knowing my past, to say that I do not know what it's like to be alone. True, I dont live by myself, I'm staying with my parents and working and going to school, but truely, who IS there for me? Some say God, some say my Moms (Yes I have two Moms who are happily married to each other since 2009) My family? I really doubt it. My most painful memory is when my mom screamed at me "You complain about when you get hit but what about me? What about the times I stick up for you?!" She doesnt know but that memory really hurt me. I felt so alone. I didnt have anyone to turn to. Then I had my grandma, but just like any other light in my life, that was stripped from my grasp in 2009 when she passed away. My best friend is in GA and I'm in CO. 

Now, I feel like everyone is holding me away, back to that feeling of being alone, shunned, rejected. Some may say that they understand, no offense, no one truely understands this pain with EXCEPTION to those who have lived through it. Most that I talk to (or have briefly talked to before they were accepted into some group) have either committed suicide or ended up in jail/mental facility.

I guess, I'm not asking for advice this time. I just want to find someone who can tell me what is wrong here both with me and with my lack of abilities to 'fit in'. I already know I'm Bipolar, so everything is strained already. I'm at the point where I'm positive that everyone is holding me at a arms length, or they are just tolerating me because I work hard and make money. Every time I get paid, my parents hold out their hands. I always help in paying for things that are needed around the house and stuff for our animals but they always ask for more. I don't know how much more I can go. When my usefullness runs out, where am I going to stand? Where am I going to rest? Where am I going to finally call home? Will I ever feel true peace? When will this pain ever go away?