Oh, my dear, Deveres-Girl, I have just signed on after a grueling 20-ish hrs. having to put down my dearly beloved 15 year old cat. And the very first thing I see is your post. I am so glad you are sharing your story, too.

My oldest son died that way also. Although not right in front of me. And, what you are describing to me is, expectedly, shock and denial. That is very natural and normal after such a heavy loss. Especially such a horribly traumatic one. ((((( HUGZZZZ )))))

Thank you starfish

((((((((((((((((Gentle Hugs)))))))))))))))))
I am not a doctor and in no way can diagnose you, but I believe you are suffering from post traumatic and should indeed seek out help.
There is nothing wrong in seeking help with what you have gone through. You should not have to deal with this alone.
Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you. I worked at a funeral home for 30 years (I just retired 3 years ago) and worked on many cases of suicide in every form......not fun. My heart always broke (and still does) for those left behind to pick up the pieces.
My hope for you is that you can pick up the pieces and move forward......but don't rush the process of healing. It is going to take time.......and a lot of it.
You took the first step in sharing here......now find a good grief counselor. The funeral homes have connections to good grief counselors. Best of luck to you.

Huge hug for you Deveres ..... Please know that it's not your fault in any way, shape or form...... Suicide is probably the most devestating death on those left behind

I would definitely find some real life help as well as online..... There are a lot of groups I believe for loved ones of someone who commits suicide that are free if cost is an issue.... Otherwise I would get into some therapy

Another hug for you sweetie and a blessing.... I am so very sorry for your loss......xo

I am so very sorry for your loss, death is always hard, but your case is even harder.

One thing I have noticed about good support groups is that being able to understand is good, but being willing to "accept that we can not understand" is also good. Please, don't feel that you have to find people who totally understand in order to share. All of us here have lost somebody (or multiple people) who deeply mattered to them, and that is a very good basis to offer support.

Let me add my voice to the chorus here, please look for a bereavement group in real life. There are even groups that focus on supporting those left behind from a suicide. There is something very supportive from standing up and stating your situation, feeling all the air getting sucked from the room, then realizing that the person you thought would least understand you has tears in their eyes and is holding your hand.

I am happy to meet you, sad for the reasons that brought you here, but pleased to meet you.

Gentle hugs

Thank you all for your welcomes, sharing your stories and your support. I look forward to finding some healing now that I have found what seems to be a healthy resource for support. I am in regular counseling as well as attending bereavement groups. It is the time in between that I find myself in a lost space.

life is painful.

Welcome to the group. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. It's great that you reached out on here. I see that you are attending Counseling and I think that is a great step forward.