Bereavement Support Group
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My husband passed away on May 29, 2015 from a very rare cancer that took him from me just 5 months after his symptoms started. Five weeks after my husband passed away, my dad died suddenly. The day before my dad's funeral, my aunt passed away from cancer. Two weeks after my dad's funeral, my cousin committed suicide.
I feel like I can't go on. I want to die. I haven't even been able to cry for the loss of my dad, aunt, or cousin because I'm missing my husband so much. When I do cry for my dad, I feel like it's for selfish reasons. I cry for him because I want to call him because he's the one I always went to when I was upset about anything. So I start out crying over my husband, then I find myself crying because I can't talk to my dad.
People think I should be OK by now, but I lost my job because I can't even get out of bed most days. My son started school a month late because I couldn't even get out of bed to register him for school. He just started last week and today was his 4th day of school, but he's already been more than an hour late 3 times. I just can't even function anymore. I don't sleep. I barely eat. When I do eat, it's unhealthy food because I haven't cooked dinner in months. I can't keep track of my money. I just can't do anything anymore. I sent out resumes because I lost my job, but when employers call back for interviews, I just ignore them. I know what I need to be doing, and I know I'm screwing everything up. I'm aware of it, yet I can't stop it. I just want to die.
The other night I was sitting in the garage and noticed my husband's footprints on the floor from when he was painting his car and stepped in paint. I felt this urge to follow him. Like I shouldn't be here, I should be wherever he is. I cry constantly, calling out his name. I beg him for signs that he's still here. Then I cry because he's NOT here. I take his ashes out of his urn (they're in a sealed bag inside the urn) and I hold them. I talk to them. I study them, searching for some recognizable pieces. I fall asleep holding his ashes.
It's been just over3 months. I know others who lost their spouses and they went back to work right away. They carried on with their lives. Yet I'm sitting here unable to even breathe most days.
Is ANY of this normal??
I feel like I can't go on. I want to die. I haven't even been able to cry for the loss of my dad, aunt, or cousin because I'm missing my husband so much. When I do cry for my dad, I feel like it's for selfish reasons. I cry for him because I want to call him because he's the one I always went to when I was upset about anything. So I start out crying over my husband, then I find myself crying because I can't talk to my dad.
People think I should be OK by now, but I lost my job because I can't even get out of bed most days. My son started school a month late because I couldn't even get out of bed to register him for school. He just started last week and today was his 4th day of school, but he's already been more than an hour late 3 times. I just can't even function anymore. I don't sleep. I barely eat. When I do eat, it's unhealthy food because I haven't cooked dinner in months. I can't keep track of my money. I just can't do anything anymore. I sent out resumes because I lost my job, but when employers call back for interviews, I just ignore them. I know what I need to be doing, and I know I'm screwing everything up. I'm aware of it, yet I can't stop it. I just want to die.
The other night I was sitting in the garage and noticed my husband's footprints on the floor from when he was painting his car and stepped in paint. I felt this urge to follow him. Like I shouldn't be here, I should be wherever he is. I cry constantly, calling out his name. I beg him for signs that he's still here. Then I cry because he's NOT here. I take his ashes out of his urn (they're in a sealed bag inside the urn) and I hold them. I talk to them. I study them, searching for some recognizable pieces. I fall asleep holding his ashes.
It's been just over3 months. I know others who lost their spouses and they went back to work right away. They carried on with their lives. Yet I'm sitting here unable to even breathe most days.
Is ANY of this normal??
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I think that perhaps your grief has triggered a major depression and I also think that you should make an appt with your doctor to discuss this..... You can always print out what you've written here and take it with you... Your GP can refer you for grief therapy and to see a psychiatrist... There are medications that can help as well
Grief is a process and a painful one...At the same time right now you aren't able to function sweetie and I think you need some professional help... Another hug for you and a blessing
I'm glad that you've found DS as well.. It's a very supportive site... I see that you saw the post on the Widow and Widowers board and there's also a very good Depression board....xo
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/support-group
Is there someone who can come and stay with you for a while? Mom? Siblings? Good friend? Someone needs to take control of the household and see to it your son gets to school. The last thing you need is additional stress from a DFS visit. Schools will contact authorities if they perceive a need to. Also both you and your son need to eat healthy and get some the rest you need, or least lift some of the burdens. This is serious. You clearly need some immediate intervention.
PS. Try and be careful with that bag of cremation ashes. Maybe you can cradle the urn. I'm afraid that bag might break and create even more stress for you.
God bless and just please find the strength to get counseling and someone to step in and help with the house.