Bereavement Support Group
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My mom died on January 2, 2011. She got sick with flu like symptoms on Christmas day. We took her to the hospital on Wednesday, and they said she had bronchitis. I stayed in Columbus, and didn't go home with her because I had to leave for school that Saturday. Long story short: She was taken to the hospital that Friday, and was admitted with pneumonia. She was on a ventilator by 5am on Saturday. (No one told me of any of this..) and died on Sunday morning. I was notified Saturday night that my mother's condition was serious. I knew she was in the hospital..and had been transferred to a different one, but the one she transferred from was really small and I figured they didn't have room. I'd gotten a few calls, but none of them saying it was serious..none of them sounding serious. I knew she had pneumonia, but I didn't think that was serious. I thought it was pointless to go and just sit in a hospital waiting for them to discharge her, and possibly get sick. I couldn't get sick, I had a physical class in the coming semester and really couldn't be sick and miss classes.
When I heard that she was on a ventilator, at like 5 or 6 pm on Saturday night...why anyone didn't tell me before then I have no idea..I don't know...My uncle had just gotten out of the hospital after being on a ventilator...she could've been fine too. I hoped she would've been fine too. When I thought it might be serious, I avoided the thought. It scared me, so I avoided it. That's what I learned to do when I was a kid...if something hurt too much or was scary...something I didn't want to be happening...if I didn't believe it then it didn't happen. I've realized that that is not the best way to deal with that as I've gotten older, and I try to combat that, but sometimes it's not a conscious decision. I didn't want to believe it could be serious, so I didn't. My two best friends and I went to the hospital that night and at 3:12 on Sunday morning, she coded. Why did that happen so quickly you ask? She had S.A.R.D.S. (Sudden Adult Rrespiratory Distress Syndrome).
We had a great relationship when I was a kid. Not so much when I was a teenager, but our relationship had gotten a lot better in the past year. We made a sort of peace and came to understandings during my Christmas break. We had a great new relationship and adventure ahead of us...and then she was taken away from me. I know everything has something positive that comes out of it...but this is hard. Really hard. I've dealt with death and people dying all of my life. Literally. I didn't know my dad really, but he died when I was 13. This is totally different. I lived with my mom. I have so many memories with her. It's like she's MIA now. We became quite close in the past year. I was reading the post secret post cards earlier and realized I'll never hear her voice again. There aren't any voicemails or videos or recordings with her voice on them.That pierced me. It hurt. It makes me really sad. Most things don't smell like her anymore. I just want to talk to her...to hug her..
She was 48. Through all of the other multitude of deaths happening throughout my life..my mom always said, "I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry." I want to hear her say that again. I just miss her. It hurts sooooo much. so so so so so much more than anyone else ever did. It's not such a great grief day.
Because I never dealt with stuff like this when I was a kid...because I just avoided it...and shut down....this is a new and not new experience for me. I was going to a grief group in my hometown, and began feeling feelings again..I'm still learning those too. It's been almost two years since I started that..but this is new experience because I'm not used to feeling these feelings in such magnitude or at all really. I kinda don't know what to do. journal? Read something..if so..what? What helps you deal? what makes it hurt less? How do i feel close to her again and not so...alone. I used to talk on the phone with her every time I went walking...everyday...so I don't really want to go walking. The group exercise classes are too late in the day for me to attend...but I do go to one twice a week, and try to do other workouts with a friend...so I'm not alone and don't end up wanting to call my mama.
Any input?
When I heard that she was on a ventilator, at like 5 or 6 pm on Saturday night...why anyone didn't tell me before then I have no idea..I don't know...My uncle had just gotten out of the hospital after being on a ventilator...she could've been fine too. I hoped she would've been fine too. When I thought it might be serious, I avoided the thought. It scared me, so I avoided it. That's what I learned to do when I was a kid...if something hurt too much or was scary...something I didn't want to be happening...if I didn't believe it then it didn't happen. I've realized that that is not the best way to deal with that as I've gotten older, and I try to combat that, but sometimes it's not a conscious decision. I didn't want to believe it could be serious, so I didn't. My two best friends and I went to the hospital that night and at 3:12 on Sunday morning, she coded. Why did that happen so quickly you ask? She had S.A.R.D.S. (Sudden Adult Rrespiratory Distress Syndrome).
We had a great relationship when I was a kid. Not so much when I was a teenager, but our relationship had gotten a lot better in the past year. We made a sort of peace and came to understandings during my Christmas break. We had a great new relationship and adventure ahead of us...and then she was taken away from me. I know everything has something positive that comes out of it...but this is hard. Really hard. I've dealt with death and people dying all of my life. Literally. I didn't know my dad really, but he died when I was 13. This is totally different. I lived with my mom. I have so many memories with her. It's like she's MIA now. We became quite close in the past year. I was reading the post secret post cards earlier and realized I'll never hear her voice again. There aren't any voicemails or videos or recordings with her voice on them.That pierced me. It hurt. It makes me really sad. Most things don't smell like her anymore. I just want to talk to her...to hug her..
She was 48. Through all of the other multitude of deaths happening throughout my life..my mom always said, "I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry." I want to hear her say that again. I just miss her. It hurts sooooo much. so so so so so much more than anyone else ever did. It's not such a great grief day.
Because I never dealt with stuff like this when I was a kid...because I just avoided it...and shut down....this is a new and not new experience for me. I was going to a grief group in my hometown, and began feeling feelings again..I'm still learning those too. It's been almost two years since I started that..but this is new experience because I'm not used to feeling these feelings in such magnitude or at all really. I kinda don't know what to do. journal? Read something..if so..what? What helps you deal? what makes it hurt less? How do i feel close to her again and not so...alone. I used to talk on the phone with her every time I went walking...everyday...so I don't really want to go walking. The group exercise classes are too late in the day for me to attend...but I do go to one twice a week, and try to do other workouts with a friend...so I'm not alone and don't end up wanting to call my mama.
Any input?
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom, I wish I had words of comfort but I don't think they exist.
I wish I could tell what makes it hurt less, I don't think anything can. I am 14months into this nightmare of losing my Dad, for me it has not got easier, all I do is live with it. I think the pain is there all the time, sometimes it's on the surface where the world can see it other times its on the inside where only I am aware of it.
Just know that whatever you are feeling is normal, it's not a normal you know or are used to but it's perfectly normal. Grief is like a tidal wave that comes out of know and just hits you over and over, everything can feel a million % magnigifed because it is, but it's ok to feel all that. Allow yourself to feel whatever. I read a book called how to survive your grief by Susan Fuller, it's easy to read, like a reference book really, you can jump to a specific feeling or emotion and there's a page or 2 on it, just letting you know how normal it is. She describes grief as you best friend, your guide and to trust it and it will take you where you need to go, sounds odd but it's so so true.
If you don't want to go walking, then don't , it's all about YOU now and what you need and want, do what you feel you want to do, don't force yourself to do anything you don't want, it won't help. Just be very kind and gentle with yourself and do whatever you want for YOU.
I write to my Dad, I got a special journal for it, does it make me feel better, not really, it's a one way chat all the time, but I get my feelings out to him, I vent, I can be 100% honest with how I feel because it's between me and Dad...........while it doesn't help me feel any better, I'm sure it doesn't hurt and I figure it's got to be better than trying to keep everything inside me.
Like I said, follow your grief, let it guide, it won't go wrong, it knows the way........the way to where I'm not sure, the way to just living in a world without your Mom. This is a new world for you, without any manuals and the one person you need to guide you is not here.
sending you much love and a big (((hug)))
Any VIDEOS of your mother when she was alive and well? Then you could indeed hear her voice! I watch videos of my dear, departed brother every now and then. Initially thought it would be painful to hear his voice again, but quite the opposite was true...his voice is still that soothing source of comfort...
It's just so complicated. :/
Nope, no videos, koolman. D:
Keep sharing with us when you feel up to it
((hugs))
I know how you feel about not hearing your Moms voice or not being able to talk to her. I had a wonderful relationship with my Mom. We could finish each others sentences and would wear the same color shirt without knowing what the other was wearing I would call her up and ask her what she was fixing for dinner and sure enough we would be fixing the same thing. So it has almost been like losing half of myself. She used to kid that we were identical twins in another life.
The only suggestion I know for me to give you that has helped me when I amreally missing our talks or I want to tell her aboutmy day is this. Talk to her. If you can talk out loud do it, and if others are around do it in your head. You know her. You know what she would say to you about thus or that. So have the conversationand know that she is hearing you inher heart. It may sound crazy but it helps me. I know she knows what is going on in my life but it just feels good to tell her so I do.
Sending you gentle hugs and sitting with you thru this.
Xxx
I kind of feel like I've moved into a place of understanding death and being more accepting of it, because 3 of the people that I loved most in my life are on the other side.
since my dad died last June our family has been in turmoil and it has been awful and unexcusable--fighting over the little bit of money that he had.
A few weeks ago, my sister, who was handling his affairs, said "I'm just waiting for dad to tell them to stop" but he's gone. Well lo and behold a huge thing happened for the better.
things got as bad as they could get within the past week and I said to her "You know he's going to intercept again...I know that he will" and guess what? He did. He said enough of this and made a bold statement in his own way.
So if you can believe that they are still their it helps. They just can't speak to you the way that they used to.
But I believe with all my heart and soul that they are there. It's just so hard to believe that and to accept it.
Your mom knew that you loved her, that's what matters. I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm not sure if it will help, because nothing really can, but I want to share my story with you. My mom was in a fatal car accident on January 12, 2011. She died on impact...she ran off the road and struck a bridge that had no protection around it. She was 47. Like you, my mom and I had a great relationship when I was a child. Teenage years were a little rough, but over the last few years, we had become best friends. I lived 5 hours away, but we talked on the phone nearly every day. I feel like we had so many years ahead of us...and she was just ripped from my life...so suddenly...so violently. My mom and my dad divorced when I was 2, she remarried when I was 10 (and I now have a 13 year old sister) and divorced again...she was engaged to be married this year. It was tough because the funeral arrangements fell on me and my grandmother...and I couldn't even eat or keep myself from shaking when these arrangements had to be made...so many decisions you don't even think about before death touches your life. I didn't sleep because I wanted everything to be perfect...I worried myself because I didn't know if she would like the things I had chosen. I feel like I am falling apart. I moved home to help take care of my sister. I changed careers. I left my boyfriend of 3 years and our dog behind temporarily. And this all happened within the last month. I am going crazy. I don't know what to do. What has given me comfort is journaling and reading. When I remember something about Mom, or want to talk to Mom, or dream about her, I write it in a journal that I got specifically for this. As far as reading goes, I read "Motherless Daughters," and a couple other grief books (one focusing on sudden loss..."I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye"), and I am currently reading "Remembering Mother, Finding Myself." You called your mom when you walked...I called my mom when I drove...on my way to work, on my way home from work, during the 5 hour drive home. Now, I have a longer drive to work since I changed jobs, and that drive and the 5 hour drive I'm commuting every other weekend to see my boyfriend is just miserable. I keep picking up the phone to call Mom, and then I realize I can't...she's not there to pick up the phone. Obviously our situation isn't exactly the same, and I can't say that I know what you're going through...but I hope this helps a little knowing someone else is feeling the pain of losing their relatively young mom suddenly when so many years of friendship should remain. I'm sorry about your mom.
"I feel like we had so many years ahead of us...and she was just ripped from my life...so suddenly...so violently."
That wasn't my entire post...I guess it cut it off...maybe it was too long. I went on to say that that quote that I put in quotation marks...described it so perfectly. I'm so sorry for your loss.
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
I wanted to let you know...my pain started all over again on March 17, when my boyfriend of 3.5 years and I broke up. He couldn't handle my grief. I wrote something a couple days after...I found strength, and I want to share the little strength I found with you:
I have been thinking of 2011 as a year of loss for me.
I lost my mom January 12 in a fatal car accident.
What does this mean for me?
It means I lost my way, my best friend, my rock, my courage, my strength.
Two months later, I lost another large piece of my life.
What does this mean for me?
It means the man I have loved for three and a half years and I are walking away from each other, and, with this, I lose not only him, the man I thought I was going to marry, but also my dog and my life in Wilmington.
I've lost yet another person, and both of their lives were so intertwined with mine.
What does this mean for me?
I could easily say (and I am guilty of saying) I'm defeated and drowning in a sea of grief. I could easily give up, and I could say it is all too much. I could easily shut down, and refuse to get up with the sun each day.
I could say that the waves are crashing down all around me, and I cannot come up for air. I could say I'm tired of fighting to break the surface and breathe. I could say I'm going to stop fighting and just let the grief swallow me, sinking me to the bottom of this sea with its anchor.
But instead, what does this mean for me?
This means I have faced adversity, and I have won. I am no longer saying or thinking those things. The sun rises every day, and so do I. I might be in a sea of overwhelming grief, but I will not stop swimming until I have reached dry land again. I will not shut down; I will not give up.
What does this mean for me?
I am stronger today than I have ever been. While I have been losing, I have been gaining. I am very blessed. And, in my time of sadness, I am still happy.
"Times of great calamity and confusion have ever been productive of the greatest minds," said Charles Caleb Colton. "The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace, and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storm."
What does this mean for me?
I have been knocked off my feet again and again and again. And, no matter how many more times I get knocked off my feet, I know I will stand again. And I will stand stronger and wiser. I will not be overcome with struggle, with sadness, with grief. I will not let the closing of one door keep me from opening another.
What does this mean for me?
My mother did not raise a quitter.
Although tragedy exists and hurts, life goes on, and happiness is found again.