I wish I could reach into your soul and give you the answers you seek, but life does not work that way.

I had about a month's advance notice that mom was fading fast, and I watched her go. But she was older (late 80s) and had been in poor health for several years, so it was less hard. But then today is the second anniversary of her passing, and it hit me really hard about an hour ago. I don't think that I had the "one year letdown" because last year I was focused on dad's recovery from hip surgery.

Yes, you lost your mother way too soon. It sounds like you need to do a lot of the post passing things for your dad or else they will not get done. Do you have any family (husband, brother active in your life/area, ... ) who can help you? they do not need to do the hard stuff, just be there for you.

From what you say, it sounds like your mother loved you and your brother very much, and she would want you to remember her, but not dwell on her.

Have you been able to grieve? Properly grieve? (That is up to you, defining what proper grieving means.) Many churches and hospitals have grieving classes, you can look some up. They can be very helpful, particularly if there are others who have lost a parent at a young age like you have.


One thing you can do is to kind of have a mental list of things that your mom meant to you. Then look for family and friends who can help with that list. Obviously there was only one person in your life who could do it all, but a group may be able to help. Perhaps an aunt can be the one who is your fashion sounding board. You did not mention a husband, so perhaps another friend can help you blow off steam when emotions of the heart turn a bit on you.

Gentle hugs, and welcome to our little group.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father and losing a parent is never easy. Yes your mother was very young and it is not fair. I was very close to my father and he was my whole support system. I have not contact with my mother so she is no help. Unfortunately things like this happen in life. Death is never easy whether is it sudden or not. It will take time to handle her passing. But try and remember the wonderful and happy memories you have of your mother. And remember that just because she is not here in the physical sense, she still exists and is watching over you. I wish you the best, blessings to you :)

I know that no matter what anyone says to you, your pain will not go away. But I can relate to how you're feeling. My mom passed away 3 weeks ago at the age of 48. The difference in my situation was that my mom had cancer for 5 years. She passed away suddenly regardless of that (she had cancer in places we were not aware of). I wanted to tell you that being able to say goodbye to your Mom would not have made the pain any less. I was with my mom at home when she passed away. Our last words were that we loved each other, we hugged. I got to say goodbye and I still feel like my heart got ripped out of my body. I am a shell of the person I used to be. Don't beat yourself up because you didn't get to say goodbye. That text message you sent her showed her how much you loved her. Mom's seem to always know that anyways.

I am sorry your dad isn't showing any support. I can't imagine having to go through a loss like that and not having someone to help you through it. But we are all here for you. We all can relate to how you feel, and we are all here for you. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but we can survive this. Every morning I want to stay in bed and sleep the pain away, but I choose to get up because I know that's what my mom would have wanted. I talk to her every day. Even if I don't get a response I want to put my feelings out there in hopes that somehow she is listening.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and I cannot think of one thing that would be worse than losing a parent. As you said in your original post, it's the natural way of things, for a parent to pass before a child. But not like this. Not this young. It's not fair, and I feel angry also. But we are all in this together. And any time you feel alone, or your dad isn't really there for you, we are all here for you. And we all know the unbearable pain you are feeling. And maybe if we all talk about it, we can start to live again.

I'll be thinking of you!

Last words can be a mixed blessing.

The last words from my grandfather were, spoken by him to mom about me, "If you had told me that we would have company I would have cleaned up." I was that "company" and he hand known me all my life, he had lost his memories of who I was.

The last words from my mother were actually nothing. I said goodnight to her as I left, with plans to return the next day for my daily visit. She gave me a vacuous look, as if to ask me who I was, why I was there, and where was she. She died that night.

The last words from my father were much the same as they had been all month long (he had been in the hospital / nursing home doing rehab) Good by, see you tomorrow. We did talk about his wedding anniversary and my birthday. He died that night.

I guess that unless we are with our loved one when they receive a fatal injury that does not harm their ability to communicate, we can not hope to have a meaningful last conversation.

How do we get around this?

Have as many conversations as you can during their life, and let the mosaic of those interactions serve as our last words.

Gentle hugs. The journey can be very hard, but we are not the first to take it, nor will we be the last. Give things time, let your emotions come as they will. As time passes you will find yourself on the giving end of support to others who are dealing with this issue.

Sorry, I am a little late to the conversation. I feel like our Journey's are very similar evern thougg no experience could be the exact same, my mother passed away from a heart attack as well suddenly at 56 and my dad is disabled so I've taken over his care giver. It is hard to greive and care for someone who has lost theor spouse at the same time. I've found comfort in listening talk about their history and things that they did when they were younger. It will always hurt but I would say make sure your dad is okay, but make sure you take tine for yourself to greive go on a walk alone or visit her grave or ashes by yourself and let yourself ask why and let yourself be vulnerable a greive and just remember the love. I wish you all the healing and I send you hugs.

My mom was my best friend as well and I still miss her everyday.... Huge hug for you and a blessing Catherine... I am so sorry to read the pain that you're in.

... When someone is taken from us though without any preparation I think the shock alone makes it that much harder ...

I don't believe your mom is that far away... There are things that we aren't shown while on this side...

Some of the emotions that you're describing are stages of grief... Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote wonderful books on grief....
Grief therapy can really help you get through this painful time as well....

Big hug....xo