Life can change in a moment, from happiness to a nightmare. I'm still trying to find my way out of my nightmare.

Being put in the role of a care giver takes  a toll on a person emotionally and physically, you just don't realize the toll until after the traumatic events are over. And than you realize you stuffed all your emotions away to deal with each traumatic event you disasosiate to survive.

First my father was diagnosed with dementia, he fell and had an enclosed head injury, which caused him not to be able to walk or care for himself, my mother was not able to take care of him herself. At this point my partner and I have to go to a lawyer and get durable power of attorney and patient advocate  papers for my father and mother. We now had to make all major decisions for my parents, I loved my parents we were close my mom was my best friend. We had to make the most horrible decision we had no other option I had to place my father in a nursing home. I still live with the guilt everyday he didn't deserve to live his last days in a nursing home. He was a great man worked hard  his whole life cared for everyone. And I was not able to pay for 24 home care. He was the first to pass away, which I know was a blessing for he would no longer be in a nursing home. NO TIME TO GRIEVE  STUFF IT DOWN AND MOVE ON

With in a month my of my fathers passing I lost my job, the company was down sized with no warning. I lost my very good paying job my and health insurance.  NO TIME TO GRIEVE STUFF IT DOWN AND MOVE ON

My partner my live of my life is now diagnosed with cancer. We never married I called him my husband, the reason I use the word partner seems to make others more comfortable because we didn't have the legal paper I don't have the right to call him my husband so many judgemental people. Now chemo and radiation treatments. Hospital stays, emergency er visits.

At the same time caring for my mother. NO TIME TO GRIEVE STUFF IT DOWN JUST KEEP HOPING AND DEALING WITH ALL THE DECISIONS THAT NEED TO BE MADE.

Next my neighbor my friend that I could go talk to. Suddenly gets sick and passed away. NO TIME TO GRIEVE STUFF IT DOWN MOVE ON.

Next month my mother suddenly passed away on Christmas Day. NO TIME TO GRIEVE STUFF IT DOWN MOVE ON TOO MANY THINGS NEED TO BE DONE. KEEP PUSHING ON.

Next my love of my life, my soulmate battle with cancer has now changed the cancer has spread through his body. Watching him suffer was so hard, BUT I STUFFED IT DOWN I HAD TO BE STRONG AND TAKE CARE OF HIM. HE fought so hard he kept saying I can't go, there will be no one left to be there to take care of you and Bryan my son that has autism. All my love of my life wanted if he had to die was to die at home peacefully with me by his side. Unfortunately that was not possible because of his condition not being able to keep anything down or swallow and the type of pain meds to try to keep him comfortable. I live with that guilt everyday. Also with the guilt that towards the end he kept asking me to help him, and I had to tell him it was time for him to let go that his body full of cancer it was no longer working, that he needed to let go it was ok he suffered enough it was time to go and have peace and join his father and grandparents. He looked at me and said you said you would never give up on me. I told him I loved him and that I wasn't giving up on him there was nothing else we could do for him. He suffered long enough and he could look over me and Bryan in heaven. Those were the last words he said to me. He went into a coma right after that conversation. He passed away 2 days later and he waited until I wasnt there. I live with the guilt everyday.

One thing I remember the nurses always saying to me how strong I was to be able to go through this alone and how I took such good care of him about our close connection I always knew what he needed even when he wasn't able to communicate

I remember saying to the nurses I may seem strong now, but I have no ideal what will happen when he is gone.

Well one thing I know now most of me died when he died.

Now it was time to greif the loss of my partner my best friend we did every thing together my mother, my father, my friend, my job, and me.

It's been a year now since my love has passed. I still have not been able to grieve  I'm lost in a nightmare I can't escape.

In the last three years I lost so much and saw so much trauma, I stuffed it all so far down just to function that I still have not been able to grieve , it has emotionally and physically taken a toll on my heath. I still have not been able to go back to work. Monies running out more stress.

They say that you should not grieve alone, but in my case if all family and friends have died. I have no other choice.

I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks after he passed. And a greif theripist also. Still going. Diagnosed with disasosiation disorder, PTSD, aniexty and depression, insomnia.

In September the stress and insomnia started taking a toll on my body physically. My body is breaking down from the stress and lack of sleep. The doctors aren't sure what is happening. No surprise for all I have seen in these last 3 years, that's why it's called practioning medicine, there are some good doctors, that's why everyone needs a good advocate to help watch and ask alot of medical questions or you can get the wrong care.

So since September I am mostly isolated, each time I start feeling better in hopes to go to church or a group support meeting something else happens.

So I'm writing my story in hopes that I may get to make a connection and at least not feel so isolated and alone.