my dad was found dead in the isle of man just short of a month ago.

he was only 58; but an incredibly heavy drinker, and had been for many years. there is an inquest going on at the moment due to a suspision that he may have taken tablets (there were old packets of medication by his bed when he was found) but he also had a terrible chest infection, according to the autopsy.

i, at 24, had to deal with all the 'jobs' that need doing when someone passes. i and my older brother were his only living relatives and my brother did not want to help me at all. he could not handle his own emotions and therefore the job fell to me. 

my dad had no money so i (with the help of my wonderful mum, who had been estranged from my dad for over 20 years) managed to get a grant from the police dependants trust, as he was a police officer in his youth. i had to locate his will, inform his diabled sister of his passing, inform the bank, and arrange all of the funeral. it's been exhausting and i've had to take three weeks off work to get everything done, on top of my own grieving issues.

my dad was abusive when i was a child. when i was about 8 or 9, he would be physical to my brother and i. when i got older he turned to mental and emotional abuse, usually when he was drunk, via text. i didn't like my dad very much, most of the time. i had a lot of bitterness over how he had treated me in the past.

still...this has been so, so hard. i have had a lot on my shoulders and due to the fact that he had to have a post mortem, in another country, everything has took such a long time. i realised something that i hadn't whilst he was alive; that despite how i didn't like him, i loved him, very much.

i have mental health issues (as did he) and this happening has brought up a lot of problems. my self-worth has plummetted...my self care is poor...i'm eating very poorly and my sleep is broken. i am barely speaking to anyone and i feel like no one really cares. i feel like i'm in this inpenetrable bubble of suffering that no one wants to know about.

i am really struggling with suicidality at the moment...i have written my letters and wishes out. 

last year i had a huge mental breakdown and spent a long time in and out of hospital, seeing a psychiatrist...i nearly lost my job, and then my girlfriend i broke up...

this year...things got better, i rekindled with someone from my past. then...she decided she wasn't ready for a relationship after nearly 8 months. that broke me. then a friend of mine committed suicide just over a month ago. & now my dad.

i feel very alone. i feel like nothing good will ever happen to me. i don't know what to do. can anyone help?