It's only been a few day sense I lost my boyfriend. I'm still in shock! Asking myself how we got here. I new I loved him the first time I saw him. That love only grew more and more as I got to know him more. He wasn't just my boyfriend but also my best friend. Our relationship was just beginning to head in the direction that I had always dreamed of, but only better. We were finishing each others sentences and then just smile at each other when we did it. Often times he would kiss me when I was able to finish his sentence or add to it.

I felt so safe and protected when I was with him. That was an amazing feeling! I feel guilty because I didn't protect him when he was slowly dying. He had a mini stroke. I honestly thought it was because he was under a lot of stress or it was a reaction to his hair dye. Because he began to feel confused one hour after he had finished coloring it. He had a very stress full job, but a job he loved. He loved the dead lines and the constant schedule changes and traveling that came along with it. He was only experiencing confession. Confession with reading what people wrote him or what they were saying over the phone. I told him to take an aspirin, drink some water and eat some protein. In the morning he was still feeling pretty aweful. I tried to convice him to go to the doctors. That I would take him. That I would call my work and tell them I had a family emergancy. He didn't want me to do that. After a lot of talk back and forth I finally left. The next thing I new he was on a plane flying to his primary care doctors clinic back in California. (He just recently moved up here) The next day I learned he was admitted. That he had only had a TIA stroke. Which is just a warning signle of more to come if you don't treat it. Later that evening though he died. He died while I was on the phone with him. I haven't heard anything from his family and that is very hard.

I am only left with my memories. I feel like these memories are haunting me! All what I want is to feel something other than what I am feeling right now. I miss him so much! I just want his family to reach out to me. I've been texting his phone hoping his family would see it and reach out to me, but no such luck... I've emailed him hoping they would see it and reach out to me.

I'm angry with myself for not being the kind of person he needed me to be. That perhaps he would be home laughing and play with his boys like he use to on the weekends. I'm hurt that he risked his health and didn't go to a doctor here. I'm angry that I wan't able to be by his side when he took his last breath. I'm angry that his family hasn't gotten in contact with me. 

I'm normally a positive person but it's really hard to be positive when you are walking in unfamily territory...