Bereavement Support Group
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As the days go on and I have to adjust to live without the love of my life.. It does not feel like it gets any easier. I still reread our text messages, rewatch our videos and listen to the videos of him singing.. what a beautiful voice he had and I would give my entire world to hear him sing to me again. On the morning of June 10, my life changed forever. Heading home from visiting my boyfriends best friend.. I dozed off at the wheel as my boyfriend and roommate were asleep and veered off the side of the highway. When I realized what had happened, I pulled him and my roommate from the car.. they looked ok.. the ambulance came and took them to the hospital and I stayed back to deal with the tow truck and the police. My best friend picked me up and I went to the hospital where I expected to see them sitting in the emergency room waiting for me. When I got there, I found out my boyfriend was in the ICU on life support with internal bleeding. I paced and cried as I couldnt believe this was all happening. The doctors said he was critical but he would survive. The next day I get a text from his mother saying.. "its not good you may want to come". I get there for her to tell me that he got a head bleed and would be neurologically devastated so we withdrew life support and he died on June 11. My whole world stopped. I couldnt believe it. I still cant believe it. Going from young and in love with such a bright future together.. to me being left alone to continue this journey with the heartbreak and guilt. I just dont understand. We had so much going for us. We were waiting for him to finish his residency and then we were looking at buying a house.. getting married.. having kids.. getting another dog. Now Im left here, alone.. without him.. I cant do this. I spent 30 hours in bed.. staring at the wall in the dark just crying. I feel awful and a terrible person. I have always tried to live life as best and perfect as I can without making mistakes and always striving for the best. This accident was my first ever and I feel like I am being punished for it to be this drastic. I cant believe the love of my life is gone.. no longer with me. I sit and cry daily.. I hate to think that I workin in a pediatric intensive care unit where I save kids lives for a living.. only to feel like for some reason, I needed to go through this much pain and suffering. I felt like I could take on the world with him by my side. Nobody understands.. I just wish it were me instead of him. I cant do this without him. He was my motivator and my biggest fan. I will never forgive myself and I feel like I ruined the best thing to ever happen to me.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
It sounds like you're punishing yourself and this won't help sweetie.... I would suggest that if at all possible you get into some therapy for grief..... Another hug......xo
But she wasn't in her usual spot.. so I thought something was off immediately. I looked towards her bedroom and saw that the door was shut but noticed the light peering out from underneath the doorway. So I convinced myself that I was overthinking about things and that she was probably getting dressed because she probably got a late start that morning - considering the night before she had complained about a very bad headache. So what I did was I went about to take my shower and was getting myself ready for these wrestling matches.. because at the time that was my life and where all of my focus had gone.
It was near 10:00 a,m and all I could think about that morning was 'what if' something is wrong.. and finally I followed my instinct to push open her bedroom door and found her collapsed in the middle of her bedroom floor completely naked. I rushed to her side trying to talk to her but she was incoherent.. so I called an ambulance and family members to come help because I didn't know what was going on. I spent the entire day at the hospital and the doctor told us she had suffered a massive stroke and that she had been lying in her floor for at least 4 hours before I had found her. That literally killed me.. because I feel like I am to blame, like I could have prevented everything had I gone to check on her sooner rather than doing my own thing. Then the fact is I didn't even hear anything out of the ordinary.. and I am a light sleeper so that bugs me so bad.
Her stroke caused her to lose her speech and she was paralyzed on the entire right side of her body. The family decided we would bring her home that way she could be cared for in a comfortable environment. I of course pitched in to help care for her. I fed her and changed her diaper and bathed and brushed her hair... but I couldn't stand to look at her, so when given the chance I avoided her because of the guilt I felt over not being able to get to her in time.
So I know what you're living with.. the guilt has been eating away at me.. and I've just been letting it boil inside me.. suffering in silence. My family now wants to clean up her house to ready for sell all the while I've lived in it for a year and haven't changed a single thing from the moment she left and now that everyone is moving stuff.. it's like I'm ready to explode. The thought of leaving her home kills me entirely. I sit and cry a lot as if she had just passed away yesterday and I want so much to tell her how sorry I am.
Maybe you should try reaching out to your boyfriend's family? They're probably hurting too and perhaps you could lean on them and them on you to help you. Baby steps, taking things day by day.. it's okay to cry and to be angry but please don't let it simmer. Don't suffer in silence like I have done. If you need to talk more I am here, okay?
~ Ashley
Your boyfriend died from injuries sustained in an automobile ACCIDENT. The accident happened because the driver fell asleep at the wheel ... something beyond her control.
I am not minimizing the tragedy. I am not criticizing you for how you feel. What I am trying to do is help you NOT add to the tragedy with 'shoulda, coulda, woulda'. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. Humans rationalize events and sometimes that rationalization begins to move outward from facts. The rationalizing can and often does over enhance the event.
I totally understand your present feelings. It IS a tragedy, and I am very sorry it happened. Just be conservative in how you rationalize it. I would advise professionally provided grief therapy. I think anyone in your position would benefit from it.
Good luck, and again, I am very sorry.