my father had been ill for a number of years with a variety of illnesses. We almost lost him for good two years go when his vocal cords became paralyzed and he was unresponsive. He lived in the intensive care unit for two months and surprised us all when he was able to come home almost the same. Except he would never be able to breathe without the use of a trache (a tube and hole in his neck). He was still able to talk because one vocal cord could still vibrate slightly. We got very lucky. This all happened after this strong man faced prostate cancer, a brain tumor, stroke. A year after he was back home with us he was diagnosed with CLL chronic lymphocytic leukemia. At this point he decided he didn't want to go through treatments when the time came. Doctors were only monitoring but not recommending treatments at this early stage. My father was 58 years old, he passed away in his sleep when the trache fell out on April 20th 2017. He was sleeping in the recliner in my parents living room be cause it was easier for him to breathe in a reclined position. My mother woke up that morning to find the love of her life unresponsive and blue. This was it, he was no longer with us. This was the hardest day of my life and I can't get past it. The thought of what my mother had to go through that morning, the voice of my brother on the phone as I fell to my knees, the blue face of my dead father laying on my parents living room floor. I keep replaying it all over and over. I'm 25 I'm not ready to say good bye. I had so much more to learn from him, so many more memories to make.

He had spent the last year helping me plan my wedding where he was to walk me down the aisle in September, give me away to my future husband who he loved dearly. 

Im now almost 100 days away from my wedding. In a deep depression and I can't bring myself to keep planning. I can't stop crying. I just want to hug him one more time.

im also very sick and ungoing agressive treatments to fight two different autoimmune conditions. 

I work part time and struggle with my illness, depression and grieving. I feel like I fell down and I can't get back up with out his strong hand to pull me back to my feet. 

I miss him so much I'm broken