attachment disorder in adults Community Group
A place for adults with attachment disorder to talk about experiences, past and present, how it affects their daily lives, and give the support they can to others.
These individuals have a dismissing state of mind with respect ot attachment. They often have vague and non-specific early childhood memories. They avoid intimacy and close affective involvements. These individuals experienced caregivers as unnurturing, dismissive and critical. Avoidant adults are uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy. They are emotionally distant, uncomfortable expressing needs or asking for help. Often they do not recall much of their childhood experiences. They can be cool, controlled, ambitious and successful. They avoid conflict and tend to be passive-aggressive and sarcastic. They don't want to rely on anyone, fearing dependency or a perception of being weak.
Avoidant adults become physically and emotionally distant in relationships. They prefer detachment rather than connection, because of a very strong unconscious fear of dependency, which they believe will lead to rejection. They are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates. They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it. Thye do not do well disclosing feelings or being intimate. They can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them.
Avoidant adults become physically and emotionally distant in relationships. They prefer detachment rather than connection, because of a very strong unconscious fear of dependency, which they believe will lead to rejection. They are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates. They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it. Thye do not do well disclosing feelings or being intimate. They can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them.
He has become more and more distant, uninvolved to almost everything. He refuses to talk about anything as he gets very defensive, needing to prove his point, how right he is, how wrong i am, etc. And everything is "fine".
I am very close to walking away, but before i can do this i need to know that I have given 120% into this relationship - even though he gives very little.
Is there any websites, books, etc that gives help to the spouse/significant other of; to learn how and when to approach for conversations etc. Any help is greatly appreciated!!
I am so sorry things are going so poorly. I can only speak from my own experiences so I don`t know if I`ll be anywhere close to the mark when it comes to your situation. When I got to my 40`s, I started understanding my life more and more. I was having A-HA moments frequently and being able to understand those things that had scarred me and put the pieces together. Well, having my eyes opened to the bad things that happened to me and how they have affected me, it brought on anger and bitterness. What do I do with all this rotten information that I have finally figured out? We can go either way-1) be revengeful and want to lash out at the ones who didn`t protect us, or 2) rise above it and let our quality of life be the sweetest revenge! I am between these two points now and striving to let my wonderful life be the sweetest revenge. My motto is, "I had a poopy unbringing, but I am the Camellia (my favorite flower) that grew out of the poop".
If your husband is stuck on option #1, maybe this explains some of his behavior? He has yet to find an outlet for his rage and takes it out on the family?
I have always been someone to recommend a good book, and I have read, "Bad Childhood, Good Life", by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. it was difficult for me to get thru it-I stopped and started it many times-but it is a great place to start. She helps the reader get from option #1 and prods them to option #2 where the blessings are.
I hope things get better for you and your husband. He needs your love and support and you need him. have a blessed day!
Chris
I'm really scared. I have already made some progress. I hurt my wife horribly. She loved me so much. The more she did, the more I did everything I could to push her away. I never revealed any of this to her. We finally separated. Just 5 or 6 days ago I started letting her into my head. I've always been to embarrassed. Then I felt ashamed for the pain I caused her. She is exceptionally attractive, yet there was very little intimacy. I know this created so much undo insecurity in her. She is the type of person that is perpetually giving. She did everything for me. I did virtually nothing for her. I did everything humanly possible to keep us "roommates."
Telling her was very difficult. There's some things in my childhood that weren't good and I've never spoken about. But it helped. At least it helped me. She's still very confused. I'm pretty sure she understands me, but there was the additional hurt that she now feels being deceived all these years. Plus part of her still loves me. And she knows that I have always loved her though I often didn't act like it. It is all very confusing.
I have also spoken to two professional counselors via the phone. I received referrals to see someone for help. I've done a lot of research online. And thankfully I made a tremendous amount of progress healing the relationship with my children. My wife has been there for me. She's been a major part of the reason I'm on the road to a good relationship with my kids again. She is truly an amazing woman.
So, I'm already starting to feel more whole again. What scares me is that now I can feel the pain of the break-up. Up until now I've just been sort of numb. The struggle between wanting so badly to be loved and this condition of not being able and grotesquely enjoying the loneliness inside. My wife and I went on a "date." And I have fallen in love with her all over again. We actually got engaged on our first date all those years ago. Mutual love at first sight. And it had nothing to do with this affliction. I was dating a couple of other women at the time who I didn't love which was sort of perfect given how I am.
My wife has filed for divorce. She loves me, but I'm not sure she is still in love with me. I completely understand how hurt and confused she is. I'm committed to continuing to beat this. My kids are young 16 and 13 and they could sure benefit by me being a better person and father. Plus I'm really tired of living a lie all the time.
It took me so much effort, and I just don't want to lose it again. Yeah, a lot of times I feel lonely, but being in a relationship creeps me out. My last girlfriend wanted me to marry her. I cringe. I feel almost that she wanted to eat my flesh. She wasn't worthy, but given my current financial situation, I'm not really entitled for any better.
Anyway I don't think it is a "fear of rejection". I think as a survivor, you have to be really tough, and if you lower your shield down, even for a moment, you get stabbed. You not supposed to be in a position of vulnerability in any circumstances, because they take advantage and kill you.
Yeah, it sounds good when they write an article to be intimate, but your partner can easily take advantage of you. How would you know? Either way the best way is that she is an exceptionally beautiful and clever woman, and at least you can be proud in front of the family, and you can expect your kids to have good genes. The wife will either way betray you, so at least make sure that you get your end of the deal.
In response to the last post, I've been there. I blew up a lot of relationships with people over the years because I didn't feel comfortable with the closeness that developed. All of the things that I feared and avoided like love and real intimacy, I now crave.
One thing, perhaps the main thing that has become a revelation to me now is that being alone, not trusting, fearing others will eventually hurt and leave you isn't really freedom and independence. Hey, this is all way easier said than done, but coming to the realization that whatever has happened to you in the past may not be your fault. It also isn't the fault of those you currently shut out.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, trust others, accept love, for me anyway - that has been what is liberating,
An interesting phenomenon does occur though. At least for me. You know I lived everyday consciously and subconsciously believing the crappy stuff that happened to me as a kid was my fault somehow. Because of that I feel like I've allowed others (not everyone, but this has happened at times) to treat you differently than you'd otherwise would have. So, then your perspective changes. For me my self image has changed drastically. Who I am outwardly also has changed drastically. Much of what I used to suppress because I guess it made appear weak, you know being compassionate, sensitive, all the softer type emotions....those are actually who I really am. I used to bury that and had a very hyper-confident, sort of a tough guy façade that I kept up. No one was going to ever know what I was really like inside. I made sure of that. That's why in my first post here, I referred to this condition as living a lie. So anyway, now the real me is out. It's like others who have known me for a long time are sort of confused. I want to be treated differently by them sometimes like congruently to the real me and not the fake me that was keeping up the false front all these years.
I had never heard of Adult Attachment Disorder until she was talking about her mother abandoning her as a child and the counselor brought up attachment issues (and mentioned the possibility of attachment disorder).
After years of wondering why my wife would shut me out for months at a time, go out of her way to make sure we couldn't get close, and avoid affection at all costs, I realized that in all of her relationships, be it romantic, family, or friend, she has had the same problem of pushing people away and withdrawing as soon as they became close.
This had lead to some horrible things being said and done to me when I pushed to find out what was going on.
I am not sure how to approach her about investigating this disorder more. Her need to be independent has also lead her to want to be miserable over taking any advice or suggestions from me.
As bad as I feel and as sad as I am about what has happened in our marriage, I feel a strange comfort in finally knowing that it isn't something about me that has lead to this, but also feel terrible that she had had such a difficult time with interpersonal relationships.
I am scared though, because this affects our children as well. Any advice on how to be a good spouse to someone suffering from this?