Hello,
I happend to be having a bad night tonight and started looking up my issues and they led me here. I have never heard of Avoidant Adults in a manner that clearly described me. I am a succesful married mother of two and I honestly hate everyone else that crosses my path. I don't have many friends, the second I feel vulnerable, I start a fight and never speak to them again. I do not speak to my father and I have the worst relationship with my mother. I can barely tolerate my siblings and lately my husband has become nothing more than a pest.. The truth is, I married the most wonderful person ever walked the earth, but when he gets close to me emotionally and physically, I immediately shrug him off and find some reason to leave. I use humor for everything and I am usually the butt of my own jokes. I judge everyone, especially the people close to me. I have always been a loner, but lately it has really started to effect me. I recently started a huge fight with my best friend of 10 yrs and now we don't speak, all because I felt myself needing her. I truly believe that she would have walked out on me at some point. The sad part is that it took me 10 years to realize that she was even my best friend... I miss her soo much! I have been through 5 "fathers", 1 left before I was born,2 beat me when they were drunk and 1 molested me when I was 16. Whew, that was hard to put out there!! Each one I had to call daddy and had to love their family like my own, but when mommy had enough, it was time to move on to the next daddy and family. Mommy never left because of the abuse I endured, she knew about the abuse, she left when her needs weren't met. Yadda, yadda, yadda... Anyway! I am glad to see that I am not the only person that feels completly alone! I have found unconditional love with my children, but I am scared that my lack of emotion towards others will become a part of them and I don't want this for them...... How does one work towards a better self?

You have good reason to hate everyone that crosses your path. My belief is the relationship we have to ourselves and to others relies a lot on the templates for relationship we are force-fed as infants and toddlers, and then through our childhoods. It is possible to rewire ourselves, but it takes lots of support and, ideally, a relationship with someone who can help you unravel your template. It sounds like you may have support in your husband. Reading also helps (I have yet to look up the book suggested by Cherry6) – but when it comes to unraveling a template, I have found it necessary to work with a therapist. I would interview a few different people, maybe initially over the phone, just to see how they respond to you. In any event, know you are not alone – in your pain, or in your desire to heal. I encourage you to hold fast to your search. I wish you the very best.

Hi photogal33,
I'll start at the end of your entry-about being scared that your tendencies will become apart of your children.I have had the same fear also. I have 2 boys in college, one in HS, and a daughter in elementary. So far things have turned out well with the boys. They all have friends that they pal around with and that come over to the house. It has been a relief to see them have friends and keep those friendships for years. However, it is very hard for ME to have an easy-going relationship with the two older boys. I am the same way with them that I am with most people in my life and i hate that. I see that i have to really work at engaging with them. My third son and i have a very good relationship and can talk about anything. With my daughter, I still worry about her. I think she is taking after me even though she has had the childhood I never had and could only dream of. Time will tell.
i totally understand hating people and being judgmental. I can be very critical of others, but taking it is another story! LOL
One thing that just infuriates me is when I feel like I have been disrespected. and what is worse is that the feeling will pop up out of nowhere and i don`t have time to ready myself and prepare for it.
When you talk about needing others, that really struck home with me. I think that others look at me and think that I don`t need anything-I've got everything under control and things are running smoothly. The truth is i don't know how to need other people.
i hope you go talk to your friend and tell her the things you told us. That you get scared of the prospect of needing her, just pour your heart out to her.

Hi photogal,
Your post has been on my mind and i felt like I wanted to share more with you. I do my best perseverating late at night so I had to get up and write this so i could get to sleep. LOL
I don`t know if you have ever heard of Dr. Laura, but she has a show on Sirius/XM and has written many books. I listen to her as much to apply principles to my own life as well as to hear about other peoples` struggles. Recently, i wrote the following excerpts down in my Blackberry from one of her shows so i could always go back and read them again to my self: She said," You want to be loved just for being you. The universe doesn't work that way. In the universe you are just a number. Your hangup about wanting to be loved as you are is a "mother" problem. You didn`t get it from your mother and you are still looking for it. Those closest to you-husband, children, DO love you for who you are. Your husband chose you the way you are. Friendships are different-they have to be earned. You have to be willing to give and work at the friendship, then the love you want will come later" (this is about 2/3 quote and 1/3 paraphrase).
Dr. Laura also said this: "If you are scared to have a girlfriend, you probably want her to be like your mother. Girlfriends are not the focal point in your life and they do not want you to be the focal point of their life." To her thoughts, here, I added an additional thought of my own-Maybe I'm Afraid that they are going to turn out to be just like my mother (which I would hate)...do I automatically identify them too much with my mother? These ideas were A-HA moments for me. I hope they have some benefit to you.
A task I have given myself may sound simple, but has been something I have really had to work at, and that is using good manners and being polite and courteous to others. It means that I have to master my emotions and control my feelings in order to show another person simple respect and care. This is not an easy assignment for me, but I keep working at it and when I succeed in behaving the way I think I should, I feel really good about myself.
Well, I guess I have blabbed on enough-I wish you the best!

Hey guys

I realized this morning I haven't really been keeping up with the forum over the past month or so, sorry! Things have been kind of tough lately (emotionally) and I just haven't wanted to talk about any of this...which is dumb because you guys do a great job of making me feel better ^_^
I've been with my boyfriend about 7 months now...the nervousness and anxiety has really started to kick in. The relationship is becoming serious and all I've been able to think about is I'm getting too close, I'm letting him get too close, it's getting to be too much. Now, normally this would be about the time I'd call him and say, "I don't want to see you anymore, don't call me, don't come by," and that would be the end of it. The problem is he's the first one who's actually made me happy. It terrifies me how close I've let myself get to him, my brain keeps screaming, "Run!! Run!! Get out while you still can!!" I think the strangest thing for me though is that I know I'm not going to leave him because I don't want to give up this newfound "happiness," ... and to be honest, I'm tired of being alone. But I'm really struggling with all of this emotional turmoil going on inside of me. It's become an everyday battle...I haven't been able to sleep more than two or three hours a night for the past week and I'm smoking like a ****ing chimney (I would appreciate it if everyone left off the "you shouldn't smoke" spiel). I had a panic attack last night, first one in a long time. I'm really not sure how I'm supposed to control these emotions. I was really hoping that maybe this time things would be different and I wouldn't have to go through this. I guess this time it just sort of snuck up on me. But I'm trying and I know (well, I hope anyway) that it will pass. I keep telling myself to just be patient and stay calm and things will work themselves out. I hope I'm right. How did the rest of you (those of you who are married) get through all this? I'd love to hear any advice you guys can give me.

Cherry6,

You're right. I guess there really is no need to tell him about this whole disorder thing, though I do kind of feel like I'm lying to him by not saying something. Either way, this is is definitely NOT the time for me to worry about it.

Hi everyone. I just want to begin by saying thank you to all who have shared on this board. I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 1 year and he just recently told me he thinks he has a fear of dependancy. He does have the behaviors described above pertaining to avoiding intimacy, being emotionally distant and refusing help or expressing needs. What is so puzzling to me is that when we first started dating he was much different and more open to being a little vunerable, much more affectionate and loving. Its almost as if he flipped a switch and decided to place me away from his heart. This has been a struggle for me especially since I did'nt understand why he changed. I am now beginning to get a better understanding of what he feels from the information you have shared. I recently asked him to go to counseling so we could begin to work through the barriers we have. He said he would address this eventually and that counseling was not the answer. He told me the behavior I wanted would come eventually just maybe not as soon as I would like. Its very painful for me to be pushed away constantly and I feel like counseling is the only way to begin to address this. I dont feel this is work we can do on our own. Has anyone been able to work through this without outside help?

Amanda,
I would really encourage you to get the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. It has really helped me to make sense of all my emotions and realize why I always have a tendency to pull back in relationships. I now have some skills at recognizing those emotions and am able to deal with them better. I have been married for 6 years and have just discovered my avoider tendency about 2 years ago. My husband and I have been in counseling and it is sincerely amazing at how much our relationship has improved. I feel completely understood, accepted and am able to really be myself. It's awesome how much comfort I get from sharing things (emotions) with my husband. I would highly recommend counseling, it's really not that scary. You don't even have to tell anyone you are going.

Hello all. I'm new to this site and newly identified with Avoidant Attachment Disorder. Wow. Finally, there's a name for how I feel and words to describe my experiences of pulling away from close relationships. I only recently--a couple days ago--put the puzzle pieces together. I've been reading there is hope for people like us. So, I'm relieved. I know how much work it will take and how difficult it will be for me to move through this though. I need to take a step at a time. First order of business.... DO NOT ISOLATE...no matter how much I want it. Yep, easier said than done...but not impossible.

My wife fits this description in many ways but not in all ways. From all accounts her parents and family were terrific. There is no suspicion of any abuse. We had a wonderful relationship emotionally and physically for about 2 years and then she shut down like a switch went off. Since then she has been distant, cold, etc. She also seems to suffer from OCD, general anxiety, and depression. She took Zoloft for a while and then stopped. She doesn't believe in "talk therapy" so I'm not sure what direction I should suggest for some help. Does anyone have any suggestions of what I should do?

hi there,

i was looking into solutions for what I am going through in thereapy. The description I found online this afternoon is just staggering... It is really explaining how I have been acting for the longest time I can remember.

I have never been in a relationship with any woman. I fell in love with 2 women that were the only friends that got close to me and actually made me feel like they cared about me... RIght now I am in the middle of some fog in my head trying to find someone in my life but I just can't find the guts to ask a girl out because of all that mess I have been through. I am scared of being seen for who I am...

I have trouble with shame and a poor sense of who I am as a man. Even though I have been an over achiever in school, in sports and at work... everything on the relationship level is a mess and I am really really good at hurting myself by thinking bad things about my non-actions or passive behaviors. I have my brohter and maybe 1 friend I can talk to a bout what i am going through but it is hard.

What I would say is that I will continue my therapy. the therapist told me that most of the answer would be in affirming myself by stopping to be the perfect kid I was in the eyes of my mother and by establishing boundaries with her. I find hard when i felt she was one of the supportiung person but like many of you I realised how she messed up in my upbringing so is my dad. So, it is scary not to know on what I will set my feets but I think this is just my decision to establish myself or by just staying in that unhappy state that I can take any more...

a lot of rambling but just had to let it out.

This behaviour sounds like the person my cousin married. I was very close to my cousin until he married. Since then it seems like she has 'coloured' the way he views me and all of our family. I have tried to get close to her and extend the hand of friendship (offering to babysit etc.). I find it difficult to be around her because sometimes it seems like we are having an intimate, 'sharing' conversation but it never seems to result in a sense of intimacy. Instead, when it comes time to say hello or goodbye, for instance, she will turn away, not make eye contact, giving a clear indication that she doesn't want any emotional encounter. There are times when I experience her as downright rude, disrespectful and unkind. I wondered at one point if she had psychopathic tendencies. My real question is this: How do I love this person? I want to offer her some of what she may not have experienced in her own family, however, at the same time, I am feeling victimized by her behaviour and don't want to enable destructive patterns...right now I feel the need to protect myself. It's definitely a struggle, but one that I want to engage. I am worried about how my cousin is doing in the marriage (although he seems to have 'bought in' to some of the destructive ways) and how the children are doing (sometimes she is cruel with them and says things that will create anxiety in them about her attachment to them ie. "This child, not you, is my favorite" or "if you continue to act in this way we will leave you out in the car"--this said to a 2 year old. For those of you who have identified these patterns in your own life...do you have any suggestions? How do I love this person? How do I be in a relationship with them where I can limit my vulnerability and at the same time create an environment that invites growth? Please help...I am distressed!!

A lot of things come to mind when i read your letter. In the grand scheme of things, you have no power in this situation. Things can only change when she develops the insight to change and strives for it and gets therapy for herself. Yes, it sounds like she is abusive to the children. instead of parenting as an adult, she is parenting as a wounded child who was severely rejected and never got over it and she takes it out on the kids.
i think back and ask myself what would have made a difference to me? Being a spiritual person I look at the different definitions of "love". There is PHILEO love which is brotherly love-and an expectation that you will receive love in return. This kind of love will not work with her. She needs AGAPE love from you. This love reaches out and does what is loving and what is best at all times no matter what she does in return. You give 110% and expect nothing in return.This just might make a difference in her eyes. You, always being steadfast and supportive and loving and consistent and expecting nothing back. But it would still take years for there to be any sign of improvement. That's a tall order, isn`t it? You would be giving her that unconditional love she so desperately craves, but the problem is that your too late, she is already broken.
You cannot take her actions personally. You will always have to remember that she is reacting to an ancient past.
Your statement that conversations never seem to result in a sense of intimacy really jumped off the page to me. I appreciate your insight and will copy that down and think about my own conversations.
When it comes to her being disrespectful and rude, I have done a lot of that. I go into a rage if I feel that I have been disrespected. If only you could be in her head to see how she interpret events you might be able to understand where her reactions are originating from. I liken this to when I was teaching my kids manners. First, I had to learn manners myself!! I had a hard time with this because if I showed politeness and respect to others it meant that i had love for them. How could I love someone when I didn`t feel loved and didn`t love myself??
Thank you for loving your family. I hope that your love will continue to bless them.

Dear Cherry6
Thankyou so much for taking the time to give such a thoughtful and insightful reply. I particularly connected to your words about the different types of love. I have wondered myself if agapic love (which I can only give via God's love for me, I believe) is the ticket. It's the kind of love, I think, that makes a person look like a fool...because he or she keeps coming back, keeps responding with kindness rather 'in kind', that is, like 'tit for tat'. I ask God to help me with that, because, yes, it is not easy. But I am in for the 'long' haul ...family is very important to me...and maybe God wants to offer her an opportunity to be in an evironment in which she can heal and flourish. She truly lucked out with my cousin. He is a super guy.
And thanks also for the words about not taking her actions personally. That helps me alot. In some ways I think that I (and our family) must be just something very foreign to her...and consequently, scary and threatening.
I do worry about the children...and I see the 2 year old being closer to her dad that to her mom...and even chosing to be with me over her mom. I am afraid that she will resent that and perhaps try to sabotage my relationship with the kids. Any thoughts on that approach?
BTW, I so respect your personal insights and want to say that I am so sorry for whatever circumstances were the cause of your own wounds. You just didn't deserve that...God wants better for you.
All the best...

Dear Cousin,
Thank you for the very kind words. Your sentiments meant a lot to me-no one has ever said that to me before. I do know that God wants better for me and I have put Him first in my life. He truly has been a Counselor to me.
You mention that your cousin is a great guy. Surely, his love will bring a lot of healing to her heart. What she did not get as a child (an intact home, loving parents, for example) she gets a second chance to have right now as an adult (she can provide the intact home, she can be the loving parent...) At an opportune time this could be pointed out to her. She can have everything now that she didn`t have then.
Since you mentioned that she speaks harshly, what about counteracting that with words of encouragement and sincere praise? Complimenting her on her strengths, skills, good decision-making.
Just looking for ways to build her up that is deserved and unpretentious. Let her see her positive attributes thru your eyes. As for the 2yo, you could praise mommy to her so she can hear good things about her mommy. As far as preferring one parent over the other, much of the time that is a common developmental phase.
There is a series of books out about "love languages" that might be helpful. Love languages explain the ways people FEEL loved. Sincere praise is one of about 5 languages that we all need, but one language usually takes priority over all the others.
Take Care

So I dont have this personality trait, but my new boyfriend does. We've been together around 3 months..and I've been going insane the entire time. He doesn't like to cuddle, and when we're sexually intimate he doesn't like to do intimate things to me although he likes pleasing me in other ways. He's okay with kissing me sometimes. He hates talking about feelings or problems. He hates comforting me when I'm upset, whether over his behavior, irresponsibility with money and other things like how he spends his time, or my having nightmares or even finding out my Father and Mother have health issues, but will seldomly comfort his family or kids when they're upset...but never me. His nickname is iceman because he is so icy, well that's my nickname for him. My question is, how do I receive the love I crave and desire from him? What do I have to do, or what can I do to get him to give me what I need? I feel like he will never love me and feel like blaming myself. His Mother abandoned him as a young child so I feel that is to blame for him acting like he does. When we talk, he always seems distracted, doing other things, and can never concentrate on me. Before coming to this site and researching this condition on the internet, I asked him why he wasn't ever empathetic, why he sometimes gets to angry, seems like such a hothead, http://attachmenttherapy.com/adult.htm