attachment disorder in adults Community Group
A place for adults with attachment disorder to talk about experiences, past and present, how it affects their daily lives, and give the support they can to others.
These individuals have a dismissing state of mind with respect ot attachment. They often have vague and non-specific early childhood memories. They avoid intimacy and close affective involvements. These individuals experienced caregivers as unnurturing, dismissive and critical. Avoidant adults are uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy. They are emotionally distant, uncomfortable expressing needs or asking for help. Often they do not recall much of their childhood experiences. They can be cool, controlled, ambitious and successful. They avoid conflict and tend to be passive-aggressive and sarcastic. They don't want to rely on anyone, fearing dependency or a perception of being weak.
Avoidant adults become physically and emotionally distant in relationships. They prefer detachment rather than connection, because of a very strong unconscious fear of dependency, which they believe will lead to rejection. They are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates. They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it. Thye do not do well disclosing feelings or being intimate. They can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them.
Avoidant adults become physically and emotionally distant in relationships. They prefer detachment rather than connection, because of a very strong unconscious fear of dependency, which they believe will lead to rejection. They are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates. They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it. Thye do not do well disclosing feelings or being intimate. They can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them.
You ask: How do I receive the love I crave and desire from him? That is a good question. But I wonder if a further question might be worthy of consideration. Why are you asking him to give you something that he is not capable of giving? Can your needs be met in this relationship?
Just some thoughts...
Cousin
I just came across this site, and decided that this would be a good place to vent. So, here goes. I just got finished breaking open shaver to retrieve the razor blade inside. The idea was to cut myself just enough to see blood somewhere on my body where no one could see, then cover it up with a bandaid. Just an hour ago I was feeling so much pain, but was unable to cry. I needed some kind of release just to get back to a normal state of mind. But, I was clumsy while taking out the razor blade and cut my thumb instead. Blood dripped everywhere. I felt relief at seeing the blood, but was angry that I hadn't made the cut where no one could see. Now at work tomorrow everyone will see the bandaide on my thumb and have one more reason to think that I'm inept. After this, I settled for just digging a nail cleaner into my thigh, just to feel the pain of it. It felt good just to feel something even pain.
Shortly, after that I decided to troll the internet for the one millionth time to find answers for how I'm feeling, and this website hit all my problems right on the nose. Today my trigger was the wall of silence that I can usually make it through at work, but sometimes it really gets to me. I want to socialize, and yet not socialize all at the same time. I want to talk to people and at the same time, I don't want anyone to talk to me. I have an office to myself, so I'm pretty isolated for most of the day. When people do come into my office to talk to me, my anxiety level raises to a point where I can't think clearly, and i end up sounding or saying something that makes me look inept and stupid. When I left work today, there were a number of people still there including my supervisor, so I decided to shout out that I was leaving and for everyone to have a good night. This is something I rarely do. Ususally I just leave quietly except on Friday's when I wish everyone a good weekend. Well, I shouted and the cricket sounded back. No one answered me back. The silence was deafening as I made my way down the hall to the time clock to swipe out. I started humming a song to cover up the silence, so that it would seem like I didn't care to anyone who happened to be listening. This really upset me because it just makes me realize how unliked or unimportant I actually am in the office where I work. People will smile and say hello out of politeness, and I do the same. But, when all is said and done no one really desires my company at all.
Now, usually this wouldn't be enough to set me off, but home these days is no safe haven. My husband and I aren't really speaking to each other right now. So, I take my time driving home dreading the silence that will also greet me there. I also have two kids both teenagers, so I also will have to pull it together and put on a nothings bothering mommy face until they go to bed. All this just seemed too much for me today. I know tomorrows another day and things will hopefully get better. So, I continue my daily struggle with it all, if not for my own sake, then my kids who are the only two people in the world who love me unconditionally. Thanks for listening.
I connected with so many aspects of your letter. I certainly have no magic advice on how to successfully work on relationships-that`s why I`m on this site-but seeing that you and I are married and have teenagers, I thought i might offer up some ideas i use on how to cope. Most importantly, since you have resorted to cutting, please see a mental health professional. When we are trapped in our own perspective of what the world is like, we need an outside source to help us get a more realistic view of reality. They can help you see things from a new angle and offer up strategies to help you get thru your anxiety.
Next, your marriage is paramount! if you love your kids, you will do whatever it takes to make your marriage succesful. I love books and turn to them often for help. I would recommend The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, both by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She is a marriage and family therapist. Also, she has a book called Bad Childhood, Good Life, which is very good.
Now that i am in my 40`s, i have needed to pay special attention to my diet and nutritional needs. Think of it as a holistic way of keeping the mind healthy so that you can deal with everday frustrations. When I stray too far from my eating regimen, I develop anxiety and depression. i find it amazing how food influences one`s mood and behavior. i limit my refined sugar intake because it will very noticeably increase my anxiety. i started taking Omega fatty acids 3, 6, and 9 for the way they benefit the brain. I take B vitamin supplements and Flaxseed oil to combat depression. All these things you could research on the internet and come to your own conclusions. Exercise is also a good mood-booster. Try a 15min walk each day and see how you feel after a week. In addition, i have noticed that eating pasta a couple times a week helps me feel better. What are your passions? Can you start incorporating them into your week? Your day?
I have been dealing with my own "crickets" these days. Do to circumstances beyond my control I have been home a lot due to illness over the course of the winter. I have been hurt and disappointed by the lack of interest in my well-being which I gage by the lack of phones and cards. i get resentful and angry then i say to myself, "What have I done for them?" Then i feel my resentment blunted because I really haven`t done much for them. Then I catch myself feeling convicted and saying, "what goes around comes around".
I have given you many avenues to explore. Please do not try to tackle all of them at the same time. Use them to set goals for the next week, month, and year. Just start on one and go from there.
My best to you!
i am new to this site and somewhat challenged by it. We should all hope that at some point we each have a support group in our city where we can get the appropriate touch and care we need. However, it will let this be a start.
I a product of depression area parents who picked cotton during that horrible period. My dad's dad was a horrible provider to his children, and subsequently my father and his siblings developed attachment issues. Unresolved those issues were passed on to my dad's first born, me. He treated me as if I were not present in the very house, or if I was i was his daily criticism or beating toy. Once at about 12, i waited outside his bedroom to ask him and mom if I were adopted and why do I feel so empty in a house full of people. Dad said nothing. I continued to float through the life until i graduated from high school and never looked back, or never returned permanently back home.
I graduate from college, the over achieving. I have given myself to my work as a type A workaholic. I have four children, the youngest is a girl who was adopted. My wife died about 6 years ago, and my support system went with her. Now I am raising a child with several attachment issues, but her's scream at my unresolved issues. Here I am approaching retirement age, with a 16 year old daughter and trying to figure out why after work so hard and being so public, I have no friends to speak of, no basic support system, feel like I do not fit in the African American world, nor the Caucasion world either. I have been through about 12 jobs my adult career life, and several churches. With my daughter's issues screaming in my face and almost mirroring for me, I have come to see that perhaps i have some very unresolved issues surrounding attachment issues that have deeply affected how I serve out my life. Now that i have this picture, I want to change. I am tired of posing, and tired of hunting and looking for a friend only to be critical of him or her.
I trust this group will give me some insights into how I can work through this journey.
Bfranklin
bfranklin
Thanks for sharing your story. All of the stories I've read here are interesting and are giving me insight into pekoe I face with some of the avoidant traits. I, myself am not avoidant but more of an insecure. My husband is the avoidant in my opinion.
I pray that you find the support you need in your community. I would say that the mere fact that you are seeking help is a great start. Learning to not be afraid of the feelings you experience is a brave thing to do. You might try entering into therapy with a professional who practices EFT (emotionally focused therapy).
Our emotions can be highly charged and often shape the way we view ourselves and the world. Getting to the root of those feelings and emotions can help us feel more free. All of the messages in our subconscious minds are deeply ingrained for many years and it will take time to change these belief systems. I imagine you have alot going on with teen daughters and approaching retirement. That is nothing to sneeze at. Be patient with yourself, take your time, and you will experience some relief soon enough. Again, thanks for sharing. I, too, am looking forward to learning more in this group.
We have 4 children who are very sweet and loving. My husband grew up in an alcoholic home (both parents). Almost every family member on both sides of his family abuses a substance of some sort. He has never told me anything about his childhood. Anything that I know has come from his paternal grandmother. Basically, he was never paid any attention, could not express himself, was left alone a lot, witnessed lots of basement parties, and abuse between parents. When he was about 10-11, his mother left him and his younger brother with their dad. She gave no explanation, no real goodbye, and no return date. She just left (abandonment).
Knowing him for 18 years, he has NEVER shared any of this with me.
I guess I have come to that point now and maybe someone has some thoughts on this, I surely hope so!
In my relationship now, the question comes down to what is actually "being together with someone". We both have independent lives but some of the planning for instance includes the other. the man mentioned above, is possibly dismissively attached, he doesnt quite flare up or anything, but seeing is childhood or what I know about it and how he behaves, makes me think it possible - it is no proof though. He plans to go do something and asks, if I am lucky, if I want to come too, this is like to gigs. Or I hear that he and his brother went to get the tickets (and none were for me as his brother paid). A week can go by with no sign of him, we used to use an IM for chatting but he doesnt like the medium any more (facebook) and he does not - honestly, I've seen it - like to talk on the phone and he has little money so hardly texts, often no credit. And when I am at his house he worked all day then ate dinner there while I was waiting for him, not knowing this - there is a fair bit of "sorry, I forgot". I was waiting with my kids, which hurts, it was late when we ate in the end. And his friends who made the dinner could have asked, if I wanted to come along - even with the kids. I got no option in the matter, and this hurts. Or "I did not say because I thought you would not like this", which in retrospect could also mean that he did not even consider my wishes.. His friends and family do not often make the effort of seeing us as a unit, or I do not think they do (like, some may, but I don't know).
A talk about this shed light on how he sees things, in essence this is, as we are both on either side of 50, with already independent lives, he sees no need to be in each others pockets, and we do see each other loads (like every week, usually a few days then). He is otherwise very dedicated, one could question what is going on but it is, nothing, he is genuinely just getting on with things. So where is the balance? Mine is, well, you share a funny bit here and there, some news, the fact that you miss someone, an occasional goodnight or something. And maybe I should not complain, rarely, he does that, rarely. But I need more.. if its just every 2,3 days. Even on the phone, when you do not like it. I have been doing that until I started to get too hurt, then we had the talk, then I thought lets let sink this in. Now if I had the sense I was actually included in things, I would feel better, I would feel he considers me a partner rather than just rationally know. Since the talk I have been breaking my head over what is normal here, am I looking for the old uncondional love I will never get? Is he dismissively attached?
So I am currently trying to find out what it is like, if there is some normality in this level of not sharing. I have a trip, paid for by clients (this is really unusual for me!), coming up - its not booked yet, and the children and also him are invited. I have not told him, on purpose, I know its weird maybe because if I were to act true to nature I would have been all over the place, sharing it with him and the rooftops - in this case, he missed out on the occasion. And oh my.. this hurts so. I will invite him before I book, and I think he'll say no as he has no passport (and no money!) But is it what he does too? Am I like, furniture to him? In the way that I am there, bagged and well, the lady - but not to be considered because otherwise you give away too much of your own life? Or, in the way, that he would have actually shared that one on the spot, like I would have done normally. I don't know, we'll never know lol.
Its getting a bit long.. Today I was supposed to go out there and fetch him and visit a friend in hospital - or if not today, then tomorrow. I need to know soon though, it depends on a job he has on. Which no doubt he is trying to finish as quickly as possible (this is true, I know) so that he can come but - there is no news. I would have loved to know, like, yesterday. so that I could plan this around him. There is no word and I'll probably have to phone and ask. Another sorry, I forgot. He is rather carefree, lol, I like that. But the sorry's I forgot are not that healthy in a relationship.
Well that is my story. I just do not know. I do not even know if I am overreacting, if this was utopia and we were all securely attached, would I be? Thank you for reading if you got this far, and any ideas or anything are very very welcome! x
I am a dismissively avoidant personality, but my husband is happy and feels very loved.
I have a book recommendation that might interest you. I read it last year and found it to be very informative about avoidant personality. It is called "Trauma and the avoidant client", by Robert T. Muller. It is very insightful and maybe it will help give you more information so you can make an informed decision about your relationship. Good luck!
I think your feeling of needing and looking for a mom is perfectly normal and totally understandable. As kids, we depend on our parents to meet our physical and emotional needs. When that doesn`t happen, it leaves a big hole in our souls and we spend the rest of our days trying to fill that hole. I can think of many times that I have looked to other women as a mother substitute, someone that I could respect and admire. But, I`m too much of a perfectionist and no one ever "measures up". Here is one thing to take note of with being avoidant.
Because our needs are so great, it feeds into a self-centered/selfish mindset. We are constantly trying to fill our needs and we forget about the others around us. This style we have makes marriage challenging because there is a lot of self-sacrifice that goes into a great marriage. We have to learn to put ourselves aside and put priority on the needs and wants of our partner.
God is the only One who can meets ALL your needs and fill up that hole. If you and your husband each do your best to put the other first, then things should get better and better.