attachment disorder in adults Community Group
A place for adults with attachment disorder to talk about experiences, past and present, how it affects their daily lives, and give the support they can to others.
These individuals have a dismissing state of mind with respect ot attachment. They often have vague and non-specific early childhood memories. They avoid intimacy and close affective involvements. These individuals experienced caregivers as unnurturing, dismissive and critical. Avoidant adults are uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy. They are emotionally distant, uncomfortable expressing needs or asking for help. Often they do not recall much of their childhood experiences. They can be cool, controlled, ambitious and successful. They avoid conflict and tend to be passive-aggressive and sarcastic. They don't want to rely on anyone, fearing dependency or a perception of being weak.
Avoidant adults become physically and emotionally distant in relationships. They prefer detachment rather than connection, because of a very strong unconscious fear of dependency, which they believe will lead to rejection. They are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates. They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it. Thye do not do well disclosing feelings or being intimate. They can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them.
Avoidant adults become physically and emotionally distant in relationships. They prefer detachment rather than connection, because of a very strong unconscious fear of dependency, which they believe will lead to rejection. They are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates. They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it. Thye do not do well disclosing feelings or being intimate. They can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them.
For example, the other day at dinner, my husband was telling me about all of these things he wanted to buy for his office (he had read a book about being productive, so he wanted to make some changes that involved buying a new file cabinet and a ton of new office supplies). As I was listening to him talk, I realized that I started feeling resentful about him wanting to spend a bunch of money on things that we already had. I brought that up with him and told him that I was starting to feel a little resentful. He asked me questions on why I felt that way and I felt like he was really able to see the conversation from my perspective. I told him that I felt like I had to be super frugal the past couple of years and that I had put off buying anything that we didn't absolutely need, it felt unfair to me. We talked about that and he said that instead of me being the martyr and not buying things, that we should make those decisions together. He didn't want me to feel like I couldn't spend any money and he assured me that he didn't want to spend money unneccessarily, he just wanted to set up his desk so he was more productive, but that we could find cost effective ways to do it. I felt so much relief at the end of the conversation because he understood me. He validated my feelings and we talked about them and came out better off on the other end. That same conversation a year ago would have ended up with me feeling insanely resentful, but afraid to say anything about it.
So much of it comes from how we were both raised by our parents. We have been able to uncover hidden damage that we have suffered by being raised by emotionally unhealthy parents. Don't get me wrong, both sets of our parents provided and cared for us the best the could, but none of them were emotionally healthy, so that inequity created some damage to us that we have then incorporated into the patterns of our marriage. In my childhood, whenever there was an argument or I got in trouble for something, there was never any resolution. I would be in trouble and would wait on pins and needles for a few days until my mom was no longer upset about it. Then we would slowly begin talking again, but things were never set right. Knowing that my husband and I can have a difficult conversation, but get to a point where we can both understand each other and be able to talk about both sides of the conversation (without blowing up) and have me actually feel BETTER at the end is mind blowing.
What was helpful to me when we first started this process was to start journaling. Anytime my husband and I got into a fight, or I just felt angry or upset about anything, I would sit down at my computer and write out exactly what I was thinking and I would try to drill it down to what feelings I was actually feeling. (Our therapist gave us a list of a ton of feeling words, so I would look at that list all the time.) Growing up, I learned to basically shove all of my feelings under the rug and never deal with them. The only emotion that was okay to use was anger. So when I felt upset, it was often pretty hard to figure out exactly what the emotion was behind that. But with practice, it has become so much easier. Also, the same feelings keep coming up, so it's made it easier to recognize those. I know that feeling unseen, unimportant, guilty, blamed, burdened, overwhelmed, and alone, are core feelings to me because of my childhood.
I would suggest that you talk with your wife and bring this up with her. Tell her that you think you have an avoidant attachment disorder and that you would like to work on that to make your marriage and your relationship with your kids better. I think if you showed her the description of it, she would probably agree 100% that it fits and would probably want to do anything she could to help. (I'm guessing she will learn a ton about herself through the process as well). I recommend reading the book "How We Love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich (we are seeing Kay as our therapist and she is amazing). This book really shed a ton of light on how relationships work and the problems we get ourselves into. I felt that it was easier to read the book first and then start therapy. It helped me get my feet wet on some of these concepts and the more I marinaded in them, the more I realized how true they were and how much I really needed help. Then, I would recommend finding a marriage and family therapist that specializes in attachment disorders. I know therapy sounds daunting and I used to think that it's only for people who are REALLY screwed up, but it took me 6 months or so to be comfortable with it and now I can't believe how much better my life is because of it.
If you start meeting with someone but don't feel like you're making progress, find someone else. My husband and I saw this one guy for 6 months (before we found Kay), but didn't make a ton of progress. I wish we had bailed on him earlier. Sure, he was a nice guy and great listener, but he didn't really understand what was going on in our marriage. He was an intern and was still working on getting his hours for his credentials, so we decided to find someone who had more experience. In the beginning of the book "How We Love", they give the analogy that if you have a disease, wouldn't you want to go to a doctor who specializes in that disease who could help you treat it faster? You wouldn't want to go to some medical intern who only read about the disease in a text book. You want to go to the doctor who treats a million people a year with this disease and has a great track record of treating it.
Anyway, those are just a few of my thoughts. I hope things work out! Give us an update in a month or so.
I can't even explain how happy I am to have found this site. I finally have some place I can vent about this "problem."
Over the past year, especially the last five months or so, I have been trying really hard to work on my emotional detachment problems. I recently started dating someone (five months ago) who I've known for more than ten years, before that I was single for four years because I was too afraid to put myself into another dating situation. I've always been more comfortable being alone than having to constantly think of other people's emotions/feelings. Anyway, I've discovered that I really want this relationship to work out. I was very straightforward about my "inability" to stay with anyone for more than 10 months and I'm trying to build up the courage to tell him I suffer from emotional detachment disorder. None of my friends know and I've never told any of my family. The only person who knows is a shrink from way back when. I'm very aware of the fact that unless you suffer from these type of disorders you can never really understand them and so I'm not sure that he'll understand. Last week, for the first time in my life, I used the word "honey" while I was talking to him. Most people would think it's completely stupid but that was a very serious hurdle for me to cross. He's also the first person I've ever actually laid next to while watching a movie. I am on VERY unfamiliar ground right now and my anxiety is through the roof. I had a panic attack about a week ago just because I had a dream that things were getting serious. He knows I'm agoraphobic (for anyone who doesn't know, agoraphobia is the fear of unfamiliar places and large crowds of people, among other things) and he is very understanding about it but I'm not sure I can go through with telling him about this. I suppose it's just...well, "too much" emotion. Also, he really enjoys going out and I feel really guilty because I never go anywhere with him unless it's "familiar ground." He asked me to go with him tomorrow night to see his friend's band play (at a bar I've never been to) and I told him I would go and I would try to handle it as best I could.
I also had a very very bad drug problem for five or six years, it was the only way I could function in public. Not only could I function but I enjoyed being out and around people. But ever since I sobered up (four years ago) my agoraphobia and emotional detachment has gotten so much worse. I don't really have anyone to talk about this kind of stuff with, my family and my few friends just think I'm a solitary person. Whenever I turn down an invitation to go out (which is 90% of the time) they just grin and call me a "loner" or a "homebody." None of them know how serious it really is and as far as they're concerned even if they did know they would probably just tell me to "get over it."
I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life and I really am trying (though it doesn't feel like I am) but...god it was so much easier to just stay locked up in my room and not care. It's a really great feeling to know I'm not the only one out there with these problems.
I think if you shared your emotional disorder with your boyfriend, I think he would be super understanding and supportive. You've known him for 10 years, so I think he's committed to being your friend and is a worthy confidante. I'm guessing it will be a huge relief to finally let someone else in on your suffering. It can be amazing to have someone on your side and just be your cheerleader, or just to know you so well that they can help you when you get into an intense moment. My husband knows that I am shy around people and hate to be the center of attention, so if we are ever in a situation where I have ALL of the attention of a group on me, he knows that it's really difficult for me and he often jumps in to help make the situation much more manageable. It's an awesome feeling to be known like that. Plus we've been going to counseling together for a while so we talk about all sorts of things. It's amazing to really have someone you can confide in.
Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? There might be some anti-anxiety medication that you can take that will help. I didn't think it would really help, but I've been on Wellbutrin and Zoloft for about a year now and it has made a huge difference in my life. I am so much happier now and able to connect with people. Those meds just help to keep the dark clouds of my depression at bay which allows me to live my life without having to fight that constantly.
Did you end up going to the bar to watch the band play? How did that go? :)
Thank you for sharing. Im sure your boyfriend really appreciates all the effort you have been putting into this .Certainly it makes him feel loved to see you work thru your discomfort just for him. One thing I wondered about was, is it really necessary for you to tell your boyfriend about this? He already knows how you are: your strengths and weaknesses and he has accepted them and accepted you for who you are. If and when you tell him what would you expect from him? Do you want there to be changes in your relationship? I do share your fear, I have not explained this part of myself to my husband (of 23 yrs). A part of me does think that it would change the way he thought of me and I am not ok with that. I would perceive it as a negative thing.
I am ALL for self-improvement (learning steps and techniques that will help me get along with others better), but I am the way I am at my core and I do not think it can ever be changed.
When I started looking into impaired social relationships, I came across hypersensitivity before I found out about avoidant behavior. I totally identified with HSP(highly sensitive person). A theory I have is that as children, HSP's are at the mercy of their caregivers. If the mom's personality is not capable of dealing with a HSP child, that child will not develop in a nurturing environment and instead will develop avoidant behavior. I consider myself to be both HSP and avoidant.
I grew up in a divorced family. I am married, with children. I have no close girlfriends. My family meets my needs for companionship and friendship.
My family did not get me, but my hyper-intuitiveness allowed me to step aside, love and make room for them in spite of themselves, while keeping myself safely "hidden". They knew me to be warm and embracing, but did not know how much they didn't know about my larger self. I never tried to share it with anyone. Avoidance, for me, however, comes not only as a result of family dynamics, but as a result of a larger cultural "miss." My experience of the HSP brain is that it has me experiencing the world in ways that others typically don't share - kind of like Aspergers, but at the opposite end of the continuum. I'm fascinated that you connected first with Asperger's, because I suspect that HSP's and Asperger's share a common struggle - that of trying to find a way to co-habitate in a world that does not use the same software programming. It is a terribly humbling experience. Avoidance has been a mechanism of survival, learned, I'm sure, in my very first years. But I am now of an age (my child is grown) that makes me think it's time to open up and out.
I agree with and appreciate your insights. As I have worked through this journey, I have found myself not interested in working at relationships anymore (except my husband &kids). A part of me says it is my HSP rationing my energy. Another part of me says its no use-I`m never going to have "those" kinds of relationships. It encouraged me to have you say you are ready to open up and get out into the world. Maybe in a few years I'll be ready to devote my heart and time to pursuing more relationships.
I REALLY know what you mean about the feeling of never having "those" kinds of relationships. For me, though, it’s not so much that I’m never going to have those kinds of relationships (meaning close friends) but that I’m never going have the social ease that allows friends to “just happen.” I can’t go to work (or anywhere else) and just “have” a friend there, for example. The real me has no entry in the cultural milieu. I can be social, but when I am, I am wearing thickly fortified defenses (I wasn’t allowed to be introverted in my family of origin, so I got good at covering up.)
My story seems to be a bit different from yours. I spent most of my youth and young adulthood pretending to be social. In my mid-forties I came to decide it was time for me to try finding some kind of true friend (until then I had entertained only one way "acquaintances" where I was the friend, and few people seemed to notice they weren't getting to know me.) By the time I decided to stick my neck out (it occurred to me I had never given anyone the chance to get to knwo ME) I had a young son, and I had left his father several years earlier. So I picked someone I wanted to get to know from work – she had just come back for an exotic trip abroad -- invited her for coffee, and, interestingly, because she was/is a fiercely independent, fascinating and sensitive person, she became my first true "sister-friend" - a place she holds in my heart to this day, almost 15 years later. At this point we see each other only once or twice a year - we are both busy and no longer live in the same city - but we are key anchors in each others lives. Since then, I have grown three or four more "sister/brother-friends" - all of whom I see or talk with on a fairly infrequent basis, but who remain immediate and close to me – thought they don’t know each other. Ten years ago, I also began a new romantic relationship. In short, my closest relationships include a few close friends in addition to a child and a lover, which makes me feel like I am not quite as cut off from the world as you. On the other hand, if you have managed to build uncompromised relationships within your family, then you have “come out” more than me, and I applaud you.
The challenge of learning how to bring my sensibilities into the world at large is what overwhelms me today. I don't know if I have the strength, patience and courage it will take to accomplish this – so don’t be more than a little encouraged on my behalf. ;) The very thought of exposure terrifies me. And I have many reflexive ways of staying hidden from view.
Nonetheless, I am a creative person, and I feel called to do certain kinds of work. So I feel pressured to size up this thousand-mile layer of brick defenses I have built against the possibility of exposure, and to fight against giving in to worry I don’t have enough time in my life to take it down. I feel like a baby with brand new raw skin, who has just discovered the floor and is ready to crawl, except that I’m a grown-up, and everyone is watching.
Hope I have not rambled to much -
I enjoy reading your entries-I keep saying to myself "Yes, me too!" LOL I have had a few friends thru the years, but the relationships have not lasted. I found myself thinking that they were all misfits in some way, like me, and that I was only able to be friends with people who were just as wounded/screwed up as I was. Some years ago, two ladies, my age, would ask me to lunch on a weekly basis. We did this for about a year. Then one moved away and we just stopped getting together for lunch. It didnt occur to me until this past winter that they were trying to build a friendship with me and I couldn`t even see that. My perspective of it now is that they thought I might blossom under their care, but I never caught on. Neither of them were in the misfit category.
As far as family goes, my sister is my polar opposite and has tons of friends (her childhood and my childhood were nothing alike). But she puts up with me and we are friends....and I can explain our mother`s neurotic behavior to her....Hehehe
You bring up a big issue I have. How often do "friends" get together and/or communicate? I read a book about 'love languages'. Basically, we each have a way to interpret being loved. One person feels loved when somebody does something for them; or praises them; or spends time with them; or gives them gifts; or hugs them(frequent physical contact, touching). I feel loved when someone spends time with me. This past year, a lady and I have tried to work on our friendship. I have tried to set up some things for us to do and she has cancelled several times, but she sends me cards and gives me gifts. I suspect she is a wounded soul, too. I am a terrible gift giver and I feel bad and want to get her something but I don`t know what. Yet, she is a busy person and doesn't have much time to give me. It just doesnt seem like a good fit.
I can think of several people that I felt I was open with in order to encourage a friendship, but those relationships went nowhere. In my mind, I would be yelling,"I did everything the books said to do, why didn`t it work?!"
It is very interesting to me that in your 40`s you decided to work on true friendship. I am in my 40`s, too. I think it is the maturity that comes with this age. I have had so many discoveries/insights the past couple years that it feels like the time of discovery is ending and the time of action and living is ready to commence.
I wish there was a simple answer to your question! One thing that has helped me is a book called HOW WE LOVE by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. They explain different personality types, including avoidant behavior, and give suggestions on how to grow and mature and improve your relationships. I recommend it. You both could read it and work thru the assignments together. Also, I am a very religious person and I have gained great comfort from the bible. The bible is ALL about relationships and is an excellent resource. There are dozens of chapters teaching us how to get along with each other and how to love one another. Love is in the actions that we take. My best to you as you work on your relationship.
Sorry to have fallen out of the loop, somewhat. It wasn't that I was trying to avoid anyone (smile) but that I pulled my back and had to seriously minimize sitting time at the computer.
My heart also goes out to you, Calvin. I have just learned of a tape that overlays something called Binaural Beats with self-affirming mantras. The fellow who devised it used yoga and meditation to calm his own anxiety/avoidance reflexes, and found that by combining mantras from his meditation exercises with these "binaural beats", they were especially impactful, and they changed his life. I am going to try them myself. I don't expect a panacea, but it would sure be nice to get a leg up on this. I am also interested in the book you suggested, Cherry6. Will try to find a copy.
Part of my problem is I am a "hidden" avoidant - I cover myself so well, people don't notice I'm doing everything possible to pass, but I'm really not even tryng to connect. I even fool myself. So staying real with myself is part of my challenge.
Cherry6, interesting about your sister. I have three sisters, two of whom I am close to, one of whom I was really close with growing up, but she ended up cutting herself off from the family almost entirely. My suspicion is all four of us are dealing with some variation on the theme of avoidance - though all three of them enjoy much vaster and lively social connections than me. They, like me, also have especially close friends, but we do not share them, and cannot really talk about our personal challenges to each other. One sister and I are close to being able to do that, but that's about as good as it gets.
I had to laugh when you wrote about the two women who invited you out, and who, you now suspect, were simply trying to build a friendship. I know that story.
I feel loved when I can share whatever is truly in my heart with someone, and not worry about being teased or laughed off for it. It is a gift to me to have people I cherish my hypsensitivities - but it's been almost twenty years since I became open to the idea of friendship, and to finding them. Part of it has been simply being open to receiving true friendship, but the other part of it is also being open to what is true for me. I can like someone, even enjoy them, and I can enjoy their interest in me, but it is rare I meet someone with whom I feel free to open, and talk about the things closest to my heart. I haveto be honest about that with myself. "Anyone" won't do. I think that is the hypersensitivty part - the part that experiences things that most others don't. I have grown so protective of it, and so distrusting of others to "get it", that unless I feel some sort of intuitive "go-ahead", I don't go. I have made some terrible mistakes, following intuition, but I have survived them, and most importantly, I have also won some incredibly lovely and true friends.
On that note, my very best to the two of you. Will let you know about the tapes. Meanwhile, keep your spirit up Calvin. You sound like a sincere and lovely person. I'm sure there will be ways for you to figure out how to let your friend know about your experience - of her, and of yourself - in a way that feels right to you - even if it pushes the envelope for you. If you are careful in your efforts, and not too presupposing, then you have nothing to lose. If she doesn't get it, or can't sustain the challenge, then you have done both of yourselves a service by being up front. If she deserves you, she will want to be a part of your growth. Anyway, that's what I believe.