You've described my father to a 't'.

OMG. This is so me. Because I was abused by multiple individuals, I prefer my own company. I am afraid to get too close to others, just in case they are crazy...the way my parents were. I also ask myself if my mother didn't give a damn about me, who will. I mean, I wonder if I'm the only person who cares about me.

This is me 100%.

- uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy
- emotionally distant, uncomfortable expressing needs or asking for help
- they prefer detachment rather than connection, because of a very strong unconscious fear of dependency, which they believe will lead to rejection
- they are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates
- they can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them

When I first heard about this and read more about the symptoms and all that, it was great. I felt like I finally had an explanation for why I felt the way I did, or at least felt some hope that others had experienced this and had somehow "recovered" from it enough to live normal lives.

Yes, this describes me very well. I tend to use criticism of others as a ways to not get close. I am glad that I came accross this site, thank you for constructing it. Just this one post above from JessikaM has given me alot to think about. I can say this, I am tired of being the way I am and I really do want to change. Thanks again.

Yeah, there isn't a lot of action in this forum though. I've been seeing a therapist (by myself) for the past 6 months and then doing EFT (emotionally focused therapy) with my husband for 4 months and it's still really difficult. I guess when I found this forum, I wanted to hear more success stories, how people were able to get around it, how people were able to heal and get beyond it. It's really hard to try to connect with someone in a way that you've never really connected with anyone. I really don't mean to be a downer, I've had a rough weekend. Welcome to the forum.

this describes me totally - but I have to say that I feel no reason to change it, even though my wife keeps pleading with me to do so. I am perfectly happy to way I am (watch, someone is going to call me "defensive" like my wife always does), I never get a sense that anyone (including my wife) is any happier than I am.

(anyhow, am not sure if this topic is still active... last reply seems to be from 6 months ago... more later possibly...)

happy holidays

willf

They avoid intimacy and close affective involvements. These individuals experienced caregivers as unnurturing, dismissive and critical. Avoidant adults are uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy. They are emotionally distant, uncomfortable expressing needs or asking for help.

They avoid conflict and tend to be passive-aggressive and sarcastic. They don't want to rely on anyone, fearing dependency or a perception of being weak.

Avoidant adults become physically and emotionally distant in relationships. They prefer detachment rather than connection, because of a very strong unconscious fear of dependency, which they believe will lead to rejection.

They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it.



These are the parts that describe me. The need to change as i see it is that since my inability to allow intimacy stems from fear of rejection I may make the fear a self fulfilling prophecy by eventually driving away anyone who tries to get close eventually ending up the thing i fear most totally abandoned.

I guess it describes a lot of people. Personally,

* I want as few people in my life as possible.

* I don't like intimacy, except of the physical kind.

* I try to avoid "connecting" with people as much as possible. I try to keep my thoughts and my feelings to myself, and I really don't care what others are thinking or feeling.

* I am repeatedly called passive-aggressive, defensive, and disconnected by people. (including my wife and her shrink.)

* But I am apart from pissing off my wife, I am totally happy with the way I am and do not have any desire to change.

* In contrast to certain other opinions I've read on this page, I don't think any of this stems from any kind of fear or rejection. I honestly and sincerely don't care what other people think. Further more, since I don't go around judging or rejecting people either, so the possibility that someone might reject me really doesn't enter my mind.

* I also don't believe I am rigid or inflexible - just the opposite. The so called "connected" people I know seem a lot more firmly set in their ways and open to new ideas.

anyhow, just some rambling thoughts...

willf

This describes me well but I am unsure why since I think I have very nice parents and noone has ever tried to hurt me. I often consider myself an outcast as justification for being avoident but I don't know where that came from. Maybe because I'm overly sensitive?

I'm going to try to revive this topic, since I feel like I have this problem and want to know how others have coped with it. I feel like I've let a lot of friendships wither away because I'm afraid to let people get close to me. Plus I don't think I've been consistently avoidant. With significant others I have the opposite problem, i'm over involved and too attached to them, while with friends and with my parents and sister, honestly I'd rather not have to deal with them sometimes. I don't know, I just don't know what to do with it. Does anyone have any advice or experience to share?

I feel like I have finally found the answer for this! After a year and a half of therapy with people that were great at listening, but not very good at helping actually solve the issue, I finally feel like I have found the answer.

My husband and I were told to check out the book "How We Love" by Kay and Milan Yerkovich and honestly it's explained so much. It's very Christian, but the info on emotions and relationships is pretty accurate. Also, in the marriage therapy my husband and I did before we found this book, I felt that since I had the avoidant attachment disorder that I was the "broken" one in our marriage and somehow responsible for our problems. With this book, it made me feel better knowing that both my husband and I are screwed up.

Basically the idea is that as kids, your parents are supposed to teach you how to be a healthy emotional human being, how to feel feelings and then deal with them. But that doesn't always happen the way it should. Your parents might have had good intentions and might have been physically there for you and loved you, but if they didn't help you become a healthy emotional human being, they really failed you and you never got the tools that help you relate to other people healthily. Your parents probably were doing the best they could with what they had, but honestly they still fell short.

If all of this emotional growth happens correctly, you are considered a "secure connector". That means that you are able to express your feelings with other people and get comfort from them when you are hurt/upset/etc. You are also able to provide this support and comfort to other people. (Honestly, I think like 2% of the population is healthy like this).

However, for the rest of us, our parents essentially didn't provide us with that emotional growth and support. So this results in one of 5 types of imprints that aren't healthy: the avoider, the pleaser, the vacillator, the controller and the victim. You can check out their website for complete descriptions of each (http://www.howwelove.com/findyourlovestyle.html)

I am an avoider 100%. When I read the description of what that meant, how that plays out, etc. I felt like I was reading my own biography. My husband is a pleaser. There's a chapter in the book on what happens when an avoider and a pleaser marry and it's pretty accurate as to how our marriage works.

Once you identify your imprint, you can start to work through what that means, what type of things happened in your childhood to make you like that. There's a workbook at the back of the book that walks you through questions about what life was like growing up, etc. For example, for me growing up it was never acceptable to be upset, sad or angry. If you had any of those emotions, you had better hide it from everyone else. It just wasn't allowed. So I grew up unable to express any of those emotions and basically bottled those up and told myself that I wasn't allowed to feel those.

Their solution as to how you fix your imprint is to really be able to talk about the emotions you have and share those with someone else. Basically all of the emotional things your parents were supposed to teach you, you now have to get from your spouse. They have something called the "comfort circle" which sounds pretty cheesy, but honestly it has helped my husband and I really understand each other and really be able to share some of the hurt and pain that we have from our imprints. Basically one person is the "listener" and the other is the "speaker". The speaker has to pick an issue they want to talk about (I'm pissed when you always make us late, I had a crazy overwhelming day at the office, your parents make me want to rip my hair out, I don't enjoy sex, etc.) Then they have to pick some words as to what they are feeling (there's a huge list). This is honestly harder that you would think. Then the listener basically just listens to the other person and asks questions. The goal of this is to have the speaker feel like their feelings are accepted, that they are heard and listened to. The last part of it is "what do you need from me" which could be an apology, nothing - thanks for listening, a change in the other person's behavior, more compassion with regard to an issue, assurance that things will be okay, etc.

I don't have it all figured out and I am certainly nowhere near being emotionally healthy, but I feel like I'm on the right path and that I'm actually working on these things. I still have all of my avoider tendencies; I still don't have any close friends, intimacy is still really uncomfortable for me, it's super hard for me to share my feelings sometimes or depend on anyone, and often times I just react in anger to something and then have to think about what triggered me. But these things are lessening and I am able to understand why some of these habits I have came to be.

Also, it helps that the authors live in our town and so my husband and I have been seeing Kay (licensed marriage + family therapist) for about a month. She is an avoider and her husband is a pleaser, so it's pretty awesome how much stuff I can relate to her. She definitely knows her stuff and knows what questions to ask to get to the heart of the issue. I know the book is mainly focused about marriage, but I think there are some pretty good concepts that also apply to single people.

I was just reading my post from previously in this thread. It was from about a year ago and I wrote it at 2am when I was up searching the internet in desperation. It's amazing how my outlook has changed now that I know there is a way out of this.

Anyway, I hope this might help some of you. I promise I'm not getting any kick backs for recommending this book. When Amanda's post was emailed to me, I thought I would let you guys know where my journey has taken me. I know how lonely and sometimes hopeless it can be being avoidant. But there is hope.

wow! thanks a lot for this very helpful information - am going to go over the sources you mentioned very carefully and see what I can learn from them. Thanks for your prodigious input here!

I have been reading self-help books for years. Books on friendship and on how to connect with others, but nothing really spoke to my heart. I started studying Autism thinking I might find myself there, and for a full six months I was convinced that I had Aspergers Syndrome. But, I was roaming the bookstore one day and came across The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron and found it very intriguing so I also bought her book The Undervalued Self and that is when I first came across attachment disorders. I think I am getting CLOSER to my truth!!! Avoidant Attachment Disorder makes so much sense to me!!! I have harbored harsh feelings for my mom for so many things in childhood and have fiercely determined not to do that stuff to my kids.
I was 39yo when I was thunderstruck by the realization that the problem was ALL mine. Until then, I kept thinking that the person I was hoping to be friends with just didn't click with me. I was always looking for that certain friend who would turn everything around and make everything alright. Now I am thinking that this is permanently ingrained in my psyche, never to be erased, but that I can learn to modify how I react to other people.
How many of you thought you were "mindreaders"? I always was so sure of myself when I tried to interpret and understand what another person was saying or doing. I even imagined when I was little that I would make a great Profiler and do that as a career. Now I am thinking that I was creating a little safe haven for myself and that it was actually a defense mechanism.
Do you tell people outside your inner circle that you have serious emotional/relationship issues? (Or do they laugh and say 'We already knew that the first moment we met you.......")
Thank you for the info on the book How We Love. I'm going to look into it.

I also thought that if I just found the perfect friend that could understand me perfectly, that life would make sense, but I never really found that. I'm sure it's because I keep everything in and have a hard time sharing what's really going on with me, so if I never open up with other people, I'll never really have close friends. I can't relate to the piece on being a mindreader though.

My husband knows and one close friend knows, but that's it. I haven't told my parents or anything, mainly because I don't want them to think I blame them. (I do blame them for it, but I also believe they did the best with what they had. They were screwed up by their parents as well.) I'm also not ready to have that whole conversation yet. I think it's coming soon though as our relationship has gotten pretty strained lately and it gets pretty frustrating for me.

It's funny, I thought that I just needed to reach out for help and once I did that, it would be easy. I don't know where I got that notion, but it's completely wrong. It's easier now since I know WHAT I'm fighting, but it's harder to actually WORK on my relationships to actually connect more on an emotional level. I started this whole process 2 years ago, and I feel like I'm still knee deep in this mess. Things have gotten a lot better though and I'm so much better off than I was 2 years ago, but it's still a struggle daily. I wish the process was quicker, but honestly, how fast can you unravel a lifetime of reinforced thinking that made me need to cram down my feelings as a defense mechanism?

I've realized how much sadness I have way below the surface. My therapist who went through pretty much the exact same thing says that I'm probably going to be an emotional basket case as we start working through this stuff and she was right. I've gotten a lot better at being okay with crying and sometimes I couldn't stop even if I tried. My husband has been super patient with me, which has been nice. Because I'm not used to dealing with my emotions, sometimes things build up and I just get swamped with a million emotions at once. I'm trying to get better at dealing with them as I realize they are there, but it's hard. I still sometimes have a mindset of "I'm fine, I don't need to deal with it" but that pretty much gets me into trouble. I do think that I will eventually get to the bottom of my sadness and finally find happiness. I've been on Wellbutrin (anti-depressant) since February, but even that sometimes doesn't combat this very well.

Part of the problem is that my husband and I are both dealing with our individual issues and a lot of our own issues create this intense pattern in our relationship that's hard to break. So it's hard to help my husband deal with his issues when I'm completely triggered as a result of our interaction. We are both trying to work on this to break the patterns.

One thing I learned recently about the "avoider" is that they have a tendency towards affairs, if not real affairs, then "affairs of the heart." The avoider is so emotionally unfulfilled in his/her relationship (by their own fault really) that if someone else provides them with care and attention, then they have a huge tendency to "fall for" that person. I've been guilty of this more often than I would like to admit (but hey, this forum is completely anonymous, right?) Generally the person I "fall for" doesn't know I exist, so I guess in that way I'm lucky. Recently it's been mental fantasies about soccer players. Weird, I know. I guess it's whatever emotional needs I have, I project them onto these fantasies. I told one therapist this 2 years ago, but haven't told the current therapist and definitely haven't told my husband. I'm hoping that the more my husband and I connect, the less I will be attracted to these fantasies and that eventually the whole idea won't even appeal to me. I'm not sure if any of you have experienced something like this, but I was sort of relieved when I read about it. I felt like I wasn't the only one with this issue. Anyway, enough rambling. Hope you are all doing well.

My husband and I have been married for over 20yrs and both of us have been faithful. The first seven yrs of our marriage was the hardest then we seemed to understand each other after that. My DH (dear husband) will once in a great while socialize with coworkers, but he really doesn`t have any close friends. He is closest to his brothers and his dad. So in that respect we are alike-my sister is my closest friend (and I talk to her about 1x/wk). My DH and I are each others best friend. I have never been able to get why I can be in a successful marriage and yet fail in all my other social relationships. Even with my kids-I am not a good communicator and there is visible distance in our relationships. Recently, I asked my DH to rate my communication skills on a scale of 1-10. He gave me a 4. To begin with, realizing that my communication skills were poor was a huge revelation to me. I can`t fix what I can`t see, right? All this info has been so eye-opening and I look at things from the past and how I approached things and then I can see my "pattern" of shutting people out, etc...and then I feel like an idiot for a moment then I give myself a pass and forgive my ignorance.
I did go to a counselor for about 5 months (yrs ago), and it was a big waste of my time so I have been very reluctant to try that again. However, I am a very spiritual person and have used this to guide me.
Thanks for 'listening'!