Yup, it sounds totally irrational, but such is the nature of stress and anxiety. If there was only one reason I am what I am, it would be allot easier to change in one magic stroke, but I bet I'd have capabilities to match my simplicity.

I don't know, either, but I do know it pays to be gentle with myself on the days I'm a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Giving myself or anybody else black eyes has yet to help a thing.

Gentle support while you fulfill your goal. Keep your eye on the prize.

When your mood see-saws, check to make sure you are not dehydrated.

Keep writing it out and sorting through everything.

You're doing a lot to help yourself.

Do you see a therapist?? I have found that the best therapists I have had have been able to help me suss out my thought processes and how I got there. They won't tell you-but help you come to your own conclusions. In the meantime I'd think your SO could hear that you have no idea why you are doing that, but you are going to try and figure it out. if you are brave you can also ask him how it effects him...at least you can validate his feelings, let him know you are aware and on it....and kind of figure out how annoyed he really is. I think if someone loves you--they will take you with your anxiety--as long as you don't make it their responsibility to fix you.

Hey Arfie,

Thank you for your comment, I really liked your use of words "a couple fries short of a Happy Meal" and you are right. Getting angry or irritated with myself and others has not helped at all, and I know it is something to work on. I'm so close to graduating already and I feel as though the time gets closer.. the more time drags.. I'm hanging on though.

Hey Mid,

I keep a water bottle at arm's reach but perhaps I was feeling a tad bit dehydrated, but true I think anytime I feel like my mood is on its see-saw I will just take a sip of water and just give myself some time. Thank you.


Hey Hyperpgal,

I sadly do not see a therapist yet. I'm working on finding one once I go back to my hometown from College. Right now, I feel as though my only free time is on Fridays since my internship is from Mon-Thurs from 9-5. I also feel a little anxious making the phone call, but I know its something I have to push myself to do,

I also tell him that its something I am working on, and he has patience with me but like sometimes he always wants to know what's wrong. Like if I sigh it's "what's wrong" even when there's nothing wrong. And it makes me feel a little overwhelmed because there's that pressure to speak and tell him if anything is wrong but everything in me is telling me "don't say anything, deal with it yourself" and I know it's wrong because I should lean on people.

I always tell him that I'm not trying to unload all of my problems on him because well, it's not his responsibility to fix me, it's all mine and I'm working on it, but he's always like "well I know but you can always talk to me." Which I appreciate but I do agree with you.

Thank you all for your responses.

Maybe he’s asking you what’s wrong because he may be sort of a people pleaser/fixer type. I am guilty of doing that with my husband and my family when I think something is wrong. It really has nothing to do with them and more about me feeling like people I love are unhappy which is uncomfortable for me. I rationally know that’s nutty and I can’t fix everyone nor is it my job. I almost do it out of habit. Just mentioning that because it may be a coping mechanism for your significant other that probably has nothing to do with your anxiety.

Also I share very little of my anxiety stuff with my spouse or anyone in my personal life. I’m not ashamed of it, or even feel that it’s trust related. It’s just something I’ve always internalized and just “handled.” Do what makes sense for you and try not to worry about what you should do or how you should handle it. That is adding additional pressure which doesn’t help.

Hang in there!

Thank you for reaching out. I am sorry you are struggling. Do have a counselor you work with for your anxiety and self-sabotage? Awareness that you are self-sabotaging is a good start to healing. What do you do to self-sabotage?

Repeating those positive thoughts are hard. But I have read just recently that the thing that we repeat is the thing that forms us. I have these two activities that help me with this. The 557 breathing technique is take 5 deep breaths in while thinking good thoughts about yourself like I matter, I am special, I am strong and then hold the breaths for the count of 7 focusing on those words about yourself, then let out the breath slowly for 5 seconds letting go of any anxious, self-defeating, unhealthy thoughts. I do this one to three times a sitting. The gratitude journal is writing down something good every morning and night something that went well in the day, or something I appreciate about myself. It can be really small but just finding something is helpful. Taking our focus off of the anxiety and depression and focusing on positive uplifting things really helps. What you think is what you believe. So thinking uplifting things you believe those things but the reverse is true - thinking negative self-defeating things, you will believe those. I will be praying for you. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to chat. Hugs and God Bless