Well things are not going the best lately. Not the worst yet but I am sure it won't get better anytime soon. My mom's boyfriend is coming back on Tuesday and I'm trying to not think about it but I can feel my stress levels rising I'm slowly starting to feel worse. Anxiety going up scary thoughts coming back. Last night they were getting to me so much I had to have lake sleep in here with me to calm me down. Thankfully he just chilled and went to sleep because sometimes he'd rather be out sleeping in his cage. 

I am just really getting nervous about him coming back though and that is a big reason my nerves are getting bad. The counseling place emailed me back and said they do not have any kind of texting option but they are now doing phone calls and zoom meeting things (like a video chat) neither of those are things I want to do but if this gets too bad I'm going to have to look into it more. A couple month's ago my old counselor sent a letter thingy with her number on it and it had some other stuff about the counseling place but I wish I knew where that was so maybe my mom could call and ask her if she would be okay doing some kind of messaging. When I went there I wasn't even able to go into the place but she came out to the car and sat in there to talk to me. It was very nice of her but apparently she isn't allowed to do that now so idk if she was even supposed to do it to begin with.

Honestly idk what to do I really just feel stuck in my own little bubble and it sucks. All I have is lake I've been trying to just gravitate twoards him whenever I feel bad and use him as kinda a safety net from all the scary stuff. I just tell myself as long as we are together I will get through it.

My daydreaming has gotten very bad to the point where it isn't really balanced anymore and it is very intense. I have always used this to cope and every now and then when things get bad it gets more vivid and takes over a bit more. Usually I will move my mouth with it closed ( kinda like ventriloquism but not making noise) to what I am saying in the daydream and make faces and hand gestures but I am able to hide it. Like it happens all the time but when I'm around people I'm usually more aware and I can be a bit more grounded. But lately it's been so bad I'm completely opening my mouth almost whispering with the daydreams and making very noticeable facial movements and I keep doing it around people and it basically is just taking over. I know it's just my brains way of coping but man it really sucks right now. I could go very into detail about how it has affected me and how deep it really goes but that is too much for this post. 

In good news though, the other day I made very beautiful pastel rainbow swirl cupcakes and made very pretty rosettes on them. Idk how to describe it but it was just very pretty. Last night I baked some chocolate cakes (three layers) and today I made icing and decorated the cake and it was very simple but cute and I learned some things along the way and it was just a fun experience.

I am really having fun with baking but I think I'm am using it as a coping mechanism again. Which usually is fine but I cant stop thinking about it to the point where I wake up in the middle of the night like half awake half asleep with like reslly obsessive thoughts about it and I'm just stuck in this weird place where I keep telling myself I need to bake this like I have to do this but obviously i cant bc its like 3am. It just won't go away until i fully wale myself up and ground myself. This had happened before but with other stuff. I think happens because I have to be slightly grounded but not too grounded before I fall asleep and the heavy daydreaming has been messing that up. I can tell I'm falling asleep the wrong way but I don't stop it bc I'm tired and I just want to go to bed. It's hard to explain but basically my sleeping patterns have been very disruptive and I'm assuming it's due to stress. I just want to create and not worry about anything else but it is very taxing on my body and mind bc I have to be like completely invested in it and I'm standing up working on so many things for hours at a time. 

I don't know what to do anymore. The scary thoughts are probably going to get worse once he gets here and I just don't want to do this. I'm so tired of worrying already and I just figured out when he's coming back like yesterday. I just want to feel safe. My cousins are probably coming up next weekend and I'm most likely gonna be on my period. It's been making my anxiety so messed up the past few times I've had it like it is very scary it makes my entire body feel terrible. Last time they were here I was horribly anxious the whole time and I'm scared for them to come back. Also scared that I'm not happy for them to come over. Usually I love having them over so this is worrying to me. Idk this is so freaking long I'm sorry for that. I hope you're all doing well and having a good day/night.