I went on my second trip to the therapist today. After all these years dealing with things alone and trying to self-heal, I think I've heard just about everything. But it's good to affirm what I already know, get a reminder, and be assured that it's backed by a professional.

      I told her that I have a really bad problem with my "productivity quota", where I feel I have to do a certain amount of work each day, which is usually too much to handle, which results in a lot of anxiety and procrastination and bad self-esteem. Her advice that stuck with me is to not see myself as a machine that pumps out work, but as a human with a personality who needs nurturing. Also reminded me to stick with the self-care and positive self-talk. 

      She also affirmed to me that my dad's behavior is really not normal. He has a bizarre lack of empathy plus a lack of respect for my boundaries. She suggested that he may have some kind of undiagnosed disorder like aspergers, which honestly doesn't seem too far off the mark. Her suggestion was to not try to change who he is (which I hadn't realized I'd been doing) and just... distance myself. Which would definitely help. He's the one who starts up those bitching, biting self-criticism demons. 

     I had a moment today where he came up from nowhere and clapped me on the shoulders pretty hard, which sort of scared me. I responded with an annoyed grunt and walked away. He said something like "she gets all angry from a light pat, jeez!" I realized again that he's been doing stuff like this for so long- doing dumb shit then blaming me for reacting- and I've grown accustomed to it. Personal space is too much to ask for him. So is alone time. So is a break from work. I'm used to feeling guilty for normal ass things! 

     I'm used to feeling guilty for feeling feelings, for being burnt out, for having breakdowns, for NATURAL BEHAVIOR. I'm used to being told that I'm atrocious, that no one else is like this, that I'll never get into college. I'm used to being told I'm being selfish. He's even told me that had he been like me at his age, he would have killed himself. This unsocialized, empathy lacking asshat doesn't know what he's doing. And then he flips it back on me and tells me I'm emotional, immature, and rude. I've tried so hard to grow past all that but the maturity and respect I show others falls apart around him. I'm tired of him, and reasonably so. 

     So I'd say distance is exactly what I need. Emotional distance, not physical, since I can't get away from him. 

     Post therapist visit, I actually had a day of relatively low anxiety, which is a nice win... not the best day but not as bad as I thought it would be either. You know, when you wake up and thing "oh no it's gonna be one of those days" and it turns out not to be? Like that.